Grand Prix Off-Topic Thread (Closed)

Any new jokes guys?

Any new jokes guys?

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "Take off, you won't bring it back."

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day,
Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"


He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit
when you hear the price.

A guy sits down at the bar. he calls the bartender over and bet him a beer he can bite his nose.
THe bartender thinks for a minute and takes the bet.
The guy takes out his false teeth, bites his nose, and smiles
The bartender says " you got me, that was good one, here's your beer.
a while later the guy calls the bartender over, and bets him another beer that he can lick his eye.
The bartender thinks a minute and takes the bet
The guy pulls out his glass eye and licks it.
The bartender shakes his head and pours the beer.
The guy walks around talking to some other patrons and comes back.
He bets the bartender $1,000 to set up a glass at the end of the bar and he says he can pee in the glass and not miss a drop.
The bartender asks, "from that chair, without moving, no tricks this time?"
guy says "yep, I won't move from this stool."
The bartender takes the bet, slide slides the glass, and the guy pees all over the bar, not hitting the glass at all.
The bartender comes down laughing his ass off, "You missed every drop, you owe me $1000".
The guy says, "that's ok, I bet those three guys in the corner $5000 I could pee all over your bar and you'd laugh about it".

According to a recent survey, 93% of Ford Trucks sold since 1990 are still on the road, the other 7% got their owners all the way to their destination.

Not really a joke , but a great true story.

A friend of mine bought a basket case 67 Mustang fastback, and dressed it up like a GT350. He then put a big block chevy in it, and took it to an all Ford show, claiming it was an original GT350, but the only way he could make it fast was to pull that Blue oval boat anchor out of it and put in a BB chevy. He also said he sold the original motor from the car to his neighbor for a "sleeper" Mercury Zephyr project car since he had no use for it. He literally had people threatening his life, until he finally owned up to the fib. They promptly kicked him out.

I stumbled across these car acronyms. Haven't figured out what to call a Pontiac????? "Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac" :dunno:

Automobile Acronyms

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Withdrawal
Break My Window
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DAEWOO
Darn Automobile ain't Expensive but With Out a doubt Obsolete

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overpay (for) This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless
Very Weird

Marriage Counseling

This husband and wife from Oakville go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing
every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on
and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and
kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her.

Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and
Wednesday, but Friday I play golf

the one i heard for pontiac didnt use the word "ninny", but i guess thats a little safer.

FORD
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of Research & Development
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. & Ron`s DNA
backwards -> Driver Returns On Foot



But what about F%&cked Old Rebuilt Dodge? LOL

the one i heard for pontiac didnt use the word "ninny", but i guess thats a little safer.

Had to play it safe. Wouldn't want to say what the "Ninny" stood for in the acronym we've all heard floating around.



My favorite is: Ford = "F$@&ed on Race Day".

Bob,
That's why I like this;


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v425/kustomkid54/post-9-1113606325.jpg

Bob,
That's why I like this;


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v425/kustomkid54/post-9-1113606325.jpg


That they did Jim...lol. :bigthumb:

too bad it's not pomtiac, it could be:
Performance Over Mustang, Trailer It And Cry

How about: Pontiac = Preferred Over Nissan, Toyota, Isuzu And Chevrolet.

How about: Pontiac = Preferred Over Nissan, Toyota, Isuzu And Chevrolet.


SOLD!!!

And I thought Ohio takes speeding seriously!!!!

http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f44/richtazz/Speedtrap.jpg

And I though Ohio takes speeding seriously!!!!

Looks like a PhotoChop Rich. Most Apache and Cobra pilots that I knew in the Army were too afraid to fly that low...lol. :lol2:

It's obviously a photochop, but I got a kick out of it. I wish there was a spot big enough on the chopper to put an Ohio state trooper logo, I'd have done it. Anyone who has traveled through Ohio would agree. Being from Michigan, I don't dare do 3 over in Ohio, especially if Michigan beats Ohio State in football the year you're traveling.

It's obviously a photochop, but I got a kick out of it. I wish there was a spot big enough on the chopper to put an Ohio state trooper logo, I'd have done it. Anyone who has traveled through Ohio would agree. Being from Michigan, I don't dare do 3 over in Ohio, especially if Michigan beats Ohio State in football the year you're traveling.

We migrated from New Jersey a long time ago. Traffic back east has gotten to where it is no fun. Big change compared to our wide open interstates in the Southwest. Still have to watch out for the State Troopers every now and then though.

Bob,
You need to come to Florida. Even the troopers run the red lights. But when they do, your going to get the ticket when they hit you.
Were I live, the speed is set at 15 MPH. I called the police two weeks ago because we had a kid doing at least 50 or 60 every day.The cop came down 3 or 4 times. He was doing atleast 60 everytime. I stoped the kid the next day. Up out in front of him. The I told him I'd beat his ass if he does it again. I guess I forgot I lost 100 ponds. He got out of his car. By the the guy across the street came out. And throw him almost over his car. Oh, this guy held golden gloves for about 5 years. I told the guy don't come by again, "Or the same thing will happen". Boy I hope the guy across the street is home the next time also. :rofl:





We migrated from New Jersey a long time ago. Traffic back east has gotten to where it is no fun. Big change compared to our wide open interstates in the Southwest. Still have to watch out for the State Troopers every now and then though.

Bob,
You need to come to Florida. Even the troopers run the red lights. But when they do, your going to get the ticket when they hit you.
Were I live, the speed is set at 15 MPH. I called the police two weeks ago because we had a kid doing at least 50 or 60 every day.The cop came down 3 or 4 times. He was doing atleast 60 everytime. I stoped the kid the next day. Up out in front of him. The I told him I'd beat his ass if he does it again. I guess I forgot I lost 100 ponds. He got out of his car. By the the guy across the street came out. And throw him almost over his car. Oh, this guy held golden gloves for about 5 years. I told the guy don't come by again, "Or the same thing will happen". Boy I hope the guy across the street is home the next time also. :rofl:


In 10 more years I will probably retire in FL. I really don't why but I like South Florida. I grew up a few years in Miami (Cutler Ridge/Homestead AFB). My father helped opened up one of the first Nike missile sites there during the Cuban missile crisis. As you know I come from an Army Air Defense family. Just loved that HAWK (Home & Wife Killer) we used to work on. NOT! :lol:

Speaking of idiot kids, this kid was hauling a$$ in his Monte Carlo SS and failed to negotiate a curve while drag racing on the street in front of my house. He creamed his passenger side front end. Then he tried to leave the scene of the accident. Knocked down our steet name sign too. I heard the impact and ran outside. He didn't make it far because the strut had collapsed from the impact and the mag wheel had shattered. I told him son you ain't going nowhere and called 911. They called a wrecker and impounded his car. In order to negotiate these double curves at high speed you need a Porsche or Corvette. The EPPD just took delivery of a few of the new retro-style Mustang GTs. They are unmarked. Gotta watch drag racing Mustangs from now on. :biggrin:

That would suck getting busted after spanking his Mustang. You can't outrun those darn radios. Back in the day, I had a young cop pull up next to my Cutlass and want to race. I looked in my mirror and said loud enough for him to hear, " Nope I sure don't see it!" He asked me what I was talking about, I said "the STUPID sign tatooed on my forehead." He says, "no, I really want to race to see how fast this cruiser is, I won't bust you." I rolled my eyes and said "RIIIIIGHT!!! Have a nice day officer."

That would suck getting busted after spanking his Mustang. You can't outrun those darn radios. Back in the day, I had a young cop pull up next to my Cutlass and want to race. I looked in my mirror and said loud enough for him to hear, " Nope I sure don't see it!" He asked me what I was talking about, I said "the STUPID sign tatooed on my forehead." He says, "no, I really want to race to see how fast this cruiser is, I won't bust you." I rolled my eyes and said "RIIIIIGHT!!! Have a nice day officer."

Brings back memories of the old days. Major difference is we could outrun the cops and radio back then. Today you'd need 1000cc and up sport bike and a lot of luck and most of those chases end in tragedy.

Bob,
Just sent you a email. It's cute, but I don't think it belongs on here. Let me know.
Jim




Brings back memories of the old days. Major difference is we could outrun the cops and radio back then. Today you'd need 1000cc and up sport bike and a lot of luck and most of those chases end in tragedy.

Bob,
Just sent you a email. It's cute, but I don't think it belongs on here. Let me know.
Jim

lol. :lol: Yeah its cute and unique Jim. Personally, I don't see any problem with it. I mean its not porn. :evillol:

I think everyone will get a kick out of it.

Bob, been trying to post that thing. Can't get it done. Must not have enough brain cells left to do it. It's up to you. Good luck.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v425/kustomkid54/p0000000138.jpg



lol. :lol: Yeah its cute and unique Jim. Personally, I don't see any problem with it. I mean its not porn. :evillol:

I think everyone will get a kick out of it.

Does anybody have any cross reference material for sizes on rectangular air filters? I'm looking for a 4.25 x 12.25 x 1.5 all ±.25 with the hard plastic side protrusions. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Just thought I'd give a little weather report so you guys can be glad your living in the south.
Saturday morning I was looking at green grass out my window,Sunday morning there was over a foot of snow this morning its over three feet deep at the end of my driveway.
You want to talk about bad drivers you got to see them when it gets like this.

Just thought I'd give a little weather report so you guys can be glad your living in the south.
Saturday morning I was looking at green grass out my window,Sunday morning there was over a foot of snow this morning its over three feet deep at the end of my driveway.
You want to talk about bad drivers you got to see them when it gets like this.

Maybe the groundhog was right Wylie. 6 more weeks of winter....up North that is. :dunno:

We're sunny and getting into the 70s. :bigthumb:

Yeah, we got blasted with 6-7 inches here in Flint, MI. Detroit missed the largest brunt of it, they only got 3" or so. Leave it to mother nature to try to screw up the Super Bowl for Detroit. Speaking of which, how about that officiating? I'm a Steelers fan, but there is no excuse for the lack of quality officiating this year in the NFL.

Bob, been trying to post that thing. Can't get it done. Must not have enough brain cells left to do it. It's up to you. Good luck.


Jim, where was the original link to that streaming video. The web address/URL? Just copy and paste it. Otherwise you'll have to put the file on a video hosting site.

Yeah, we got blasted with 6-7 inches here in Flint, MI. Detroit missed the largest brunt of it, they only got 3" or so. Leave it to mother nature to try to screw up the Super Bowl for Detroit. Speaking of which, how about that officiating? I'm a Steelers fan, but there is no excuse for the lack of quality officiating this year in the NFL.

Even though it must be tough for them I think we see allot more on TV than they see on the field.

Hey: I never notice there was an Arcade here before.
http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbulletin/arcade.php

The Refs left a lot to be desired but Seattle just simply blew it and Pittsburgh was the better team and deserved to win the Superbowl.

I couldn't believe the two missed field goals by Seattle although range was sufficient and their failure to capitalize on at least 2 red zone conversions. And talking about butter fingers and dropping the ball. Seattle looked like they were playing a pre-season game.

Bob sent you the one I received. Maybe you can do it.
70 degrees? It's been almost 80 herer every day this winter. But now we are getting some cold nights. Lastnight it was 44. But goes back to 77 in the day.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v425/kustomkid54/ricejoke07.jpg


Jim, where was the original link to that streaming video. The web address/URL? Just copy and paste it. Otherwise you'll have to put the file on a video hosting site.

I feel sorry for you Jim!! Only 77 degrees!! Must be nice to languish in tropical temps while we here in the east can't seem to get temps higher than 50 this time of the year. Supposed to get cold here again this weekend and then they are calling for that stuff that is a four letter word. You know SNOW early next week. Oh well only 42 days 'till spring!!!

does any one know of any performance upgrades for a 1991 pontiac grand prix se if so please let me know

Best performance upgrade for it is trade it in on a 98' GTP. :rofl:





does any one know of any performance upgrades for a 1991 pontiac grand prix se if so please let me know

Best performance upgrade for it is trade it in on a 98' GTP. :rofl:

Hey Jim, no shop talk allowed. I thought this "off topic" thread was for other BS. No technical advice or GP talk...lol. :lol: We talk about the weather, beer, women, sports, jokes, travel, politics and other inane stuff and I emphasize beer and women. :rofl:

Hey Jim, no shop talk allowed. I thought this "off topic" thread was for other BS. No technical advice or GP talk...lol. :lol: We talk about the weather, beer, women, sports, jokes, travel, politics and other inane stuff and I emphasize beer and women. :rofl:



But he needs help bad. You know as well as I do, the 98 is hios only hope.:rofl:

You Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When

1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

2. You can't drive your car in the rain.

3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

4. You are afraid to drive your car.

5. You spend more on tires than on food.

6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper.

9. You have to go to the track to buy gas.

10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.

11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.

12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding.

15. You arrive somewhere before you left.

16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

22. You need parachute braking.

23. 'Significant other' won't even ride in the car.

24 There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.

27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums!

28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???)

29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???)

30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.

to add to the list:

you measure fuel consumption in gallons per mile

your new cam's lobes have snow caps.

John Force is scared of your car.

your 60 ft times have only zero's left of the decimal point

Ten Commandments For the Car Collector


1. Thou shalt not read thy Hemmings on company time, lest thy employer make it impossible to continue thy car payments.

2. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's car nor his garage, nor his battery charger.

3. Thou shalt not store thy car out-of-doors except for the wife's Toyota.

4. Thou shalt not deceive thy wife into thinking that thee is taking her for a romantic Sunday drive when indeed thou art going out to look at another car.

5. Thou shalt not love thy cars more than thy wife and children.

6. Thou shalt not despise thy neighbor's Edsel, nor his DeSoto, nor even his '47 Plymouth.

7. Thou shalt not tell thy spouse the entire cost of thy latest restoration, at least not all at the same time.

8. Thou shalt not promise thy wife a new addition for the house and then use it to store cars.

9. Thou shalt not allow thy sons and daughters to get married during the car show season.

10. Thou shalt not buy thy wife a floor jack for Christmas.

Anyone have a favorite micro-brew or Imported Beer? I like trying different beers, but hate the skunky ones like Heineken. My wife is a big fan of Hacker-Pschorr, and I like Leinenkugel. Any thoughts?

Anyone have a favorite micro-brew or Imported Beer? I like trying different beers, but hate the skunky ones like Heineken. My wife is a big fan of Hacker-Pschorr, and I like Leinenkugel. Any thoughts?

I spent 6 years in Germany when I was in the service. So, I stick with Bitburg "Bitburger Pils" German beer. We get the real non-export version at the German Air Force Club on base. "Bitte Ein Bit".

We've got some great local brewers around here I doubt if they export though, I know you can get allot of Canadian domestic stuff in the U.S.
I like to try the local stuff where ever I go the last good one I had was in Philadelphia I don't remember what it was called but everybody was drinking it.
Nova Scotia has a good Ale called Keith's http://www.keiths.ca/
Last good one I had in Toronto that I really liked is Steam Whistle http://www.steamwhistle.ca/

Hey Why is there a gold cup beside my name did I win a price?

Hey Why is there a gold cup beside my name did I win a price?

Congratulations Wylie. You are now a bonfide AF gamer.

Cool I new I could do it.
I'd like to thank my mom and my dad for all their support over the years and to all the AF'ers out there who helped me along.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you
Thank you very much

funny stuff Wilie, that response got a chuckle.

I want a cup too!!! (whining like a kid)......GTP DAD!!!!!! why does Wilie get a cup and I don't??? It's not fair!!!! :cwm27:

If you need me I'll be in the Arcade.

I want a cup too!!! (whining like a kid)......GTP DAD!!!!!! why does Wilie get a cup and I don't??? It's not fair!!!! :cwm27:

lol. Here you go Rich. Now you just need to figure out how to get it next to your name. Maybe Wylie can give you some assistance. :lol:

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y186/lizzywiz/trophy.gif

I think all you have to do is go here http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbulletin/arcade.php and get a hi score.
Don't worry guys I'm over there kickin butt defending our form.

I'll try at home, I keep getting interrupted at work and there's no pause.

O ya work? I'm not even sure if they know I'm here.
Just kidding actually I'm swamped as well.

At home I never get a chance to be online.

I'm tie fighter Champ!!!! I got a cup too....WEEEEEEE!!!!!

Nice cup richtazz you da man.
Yours looks like it has a nicer shine that mine.

I worked hard to earn that puppy, polished it up with the FORCE!

So many arcade games to choose from. Good way to pass the lunch hour.

Do you lose the trophy if someone else beats your score on any particular game? :dunno: