The "O Fish l" Joke thread

[tazdev]

Seeing as there are so many jokes being posted here is a thread to post them all in

When Henry Ford went to heaven he started to reorgnise the place with a production line on harps and angel wings.
God got his nose out of joint over the pushy entrepreneur.
"Listen," said God, "you are talking to the inventor of the human female, the most efficient machine ever made."
"Her body work may be great," said Ford, "but her input valve is too close to her exhaust and men often get them mixed up."
"Even so," said God, "there are more men riding my machine than anything you ever made."




hey its a start:finger:

[Damien]

Ok......that was just plain wrong! :roleyes:















Yet, it was kind of funny

[YogsVR4]

Yuck yuck!

Find your sign. Libra is the funniest I thought.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don't worry, though, it's probably nothing.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Beware of clams, today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Everyone's talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it's pretentious of you to talk about "Bob Nostradamus", but who cares? They'll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

[YellowMaranello]

Originally posted by YogsVR4

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.

Well, maybe I'll get around to that tomorrow. I like pisces the best though.

[Heep]

Haha, I love Aquarius

Sounds like something I'd do

[taranaki]

Amazing new study

London Study


A study in London showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual
cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged,
masculine features,

And if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man
with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

[Ando_Rules]

haha thats funny man, and god is definatly right on that one lol

[tazdev]

CNN Late Breaking News!

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

[tazdev]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.

The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.

Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "

A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"

The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"

The bartender replies, "No!"

The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"

[tazdev]

An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and to get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute quickly became annoyed and yelled, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight," blurted the old man.

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished!"

"What did you say?" asked the geezer.

"You heard me! You're all finished!"

"Oh, dear," replied the old man, as he reached into his pocket, "how much do I owe you?"

[tazdev]

The teacher was telling her students in the sex education class about human anatomy. She took her pointer and pointed to the picture of the female and said, "the female has two breasts and one vagina."

She then pointed to the male picture and said, "The male has one penis."

Little Johnny jumped up from his seat and said, "That's wrong teacher."

"Why do you think I'm wrong, Little Johnny?" begged the teacher.

My daddy has two of them," explained Little Johnny. "One that's about three inches long that he pees with, and another one that's about eight inches long that he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!"




ok so I'm bored hope you all enjoy these when you get here

[tazdev]

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious to see her daughter's friend eating her out, she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

[YogsVR4]

[Damien]

Heard the 2nd and 3rd one before but I gotta hand to ya Taz! :hehe::hehe::hehe:

[Ando_Rules]

Originally posted by tazdev
CNN Late Breaking News!

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.

The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!

r u seriosu or is that a joke guy, if its a joke its funny