2001 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

[wicked]

If you get the urge to purge at work, this may be of some help:

2001 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions and dumping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing turds in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK(Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing turds, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd log hits the water and the turd is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of airtime the turd has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET SHITTER
Definition: A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a shitter of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A shitter who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in, check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

[kris]

[Jay!]

I'm an "out of the closet shitter" who uses a "safe haven." You all needed and deserved to know that. :hehehe:

[YogsVR4]

LOL Those are pretty damn funny!

[deftonez24]

OK, we all know we've been under most of these categories. Mainly the camo-cough for me. Now that this thread has been started i think that nothing can be considered taboo anymore. Try taking a shit in a fast food place with no locks on the door. Now thats embarassing.

[kris]

hahaha. Better yet. In boot camp, all you have is a shitter, next to a shitter, next to shitter, etc. That takes ome getting used to Oh, they have stalls, but no doors.

[deftonez24]

wow that would suck, especially if there weren't stalls, it be strange if you turn your head and see your buddy jim and have to say. "uhh, hey jim, you uh got any toliet paper?"

[koh]

they have those doorless stalls at a high school around here too...lucky i go to another one

[Lizard King]

lol I can imagine all this toe tapping and coughing coming from the stalls.

I will never forget the time I thought I was alone in a bathroom and took none of the above precautions, only to meet a girl upon exit.

[CraigFL]

And then there was the time I was racing at Indanapolis Raceway park in the 70's..... There were no stalls at all, just about twenty of those porcelain fixtures lined up in a row. You got to meet everyone when you stepped in the door...:o

[kris]

Wickeds stories were pretty funny. Too bad he had to post a virus and get banned.

[ragt20]

I was hoping someone would post this...it was f**king hilarious the first time I read it and still great :hehehe:

[LX98Civic]

I'm guily of this one

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in, check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.