Oh no, not again.

[wicked]

This evening I made the mistake of eating a nice dinner, then going out for a long bike ride. As soon as I had gotten a few miles from home, I felt some turds lining up at the top of my poop-chute, and I could tell that they wanted to take the plunge. Now, at this point, my feelings were contradictory: on the one hand, if I shit my pants, I'd have a great story to tell on alt.tasteless; on the other hand, if I shit my pants, well...
I'd have shit my pants.

It was in this state of cognitive dissonance that I happened to come upon a public park. I entered and made my way to the main building, and lo and behold, the shitter was still open. There was even a place to lock my bike right outside. It was perfect...almost TOO perfect. I was relieved, but a little bit disappointed too.

It was quite a pleasant bowel movement. The shit was at a point on its
phase diagram such that it could exist in both solid and liquid forms. As
I sat there, radiating the heat of my exertions, the feces oozed out of me, sounding and feeling as if it were lubricated with shaving cream (not the menthol kind, the regular kind). I relaxed and reflected for a few minutes, then began to wipe.

"Hold on there, Sean," I thought to myself. "Best to wait a bit. You know
shit like this always comes in waves."

"Aw, fuck off," I answered myself. "It's getting dark, and I have a long
way to go. Anyways, I'm sure my anus will behave itself." (Note the
foreshadowing.)

So I got back on my bike and left. Sure enough, five minutes later, I felt
another phalanx of feces forming, preparing for a rush at my butthole. It just so happened that at that point, I was on a long stretch of sidewalk that was screened from the road by trees and had only a field on the other side. I stopped my bike and got off. I came this > < close to dropping trou then and there and pinching a loaf on the pavement. I stopped, though, when I realized that a) I was pretty sure it was gonna be really slimy, and b) I had nothing to wipe with but green leaves--and, it now being dusk, I wouldn't have a chance of telling the bad plants from the benign. I got back on my bike and continued on.

As I got back into the downtown area, the feeling of fullness in my rectum got worse. I put my sphincter in a full Nelson, squeezed for all I was worth, gritted my teeth, and pedalled on.

The last few blocks before my house were awful. You know how, when you're trying to reach a toilet on foot, the faster you go, the harder it is to keep control of your Little Pink Asterisk(tm)? Well, I was having the same problem, even though I was on my bike. It was most maddening. And, I realized later, my butt had been mashed up against the seat for so long, the muscles in charge of clenching probably weren't in the best condition.

Finally, I reached my house. No time to lock the bike, I just dumped it in
the front yard and raced up the steps...TOO LATE! My abused asshole
finally collapsed; I groaned as I felt my pants fill up with Choc-O-Lava(tm again). Fuck, I hadn't shit my pants in almost a decade. As I trudged up the steps to my apartment, I had an ironic smile on my face. My underwear was so full, I was afraid I'd drip on the rug, but that, at least, didn't happen.

I went into the bathroom, took off everything, and sat on the toilet to
finish what I had begun outside. Even before I sat down, I saw that I
already had some MONSTER dingleberries, on account of my rather hirsute hole. I inspected my undies, which held a layer of turd-paste a half-inch thick. I was struck by how much the paste resembled refried beans. In fact, if so meone had shown me a dish of shit like that, and asked "Sean, is this shit, or is this refried beans?" I'm sure I would have said "Gotta be refried beans, man." It even smelled a bit like refried beans. Really RANCID refried beans, but still.

Finally, when I was sure that my bowels were *completely* evacuated, I began the long wiping process. It was a rather unsettling feeling, wiping shit off of my nuts. And, on the third or fourth wipe, my hand came away with a shit-nugget stuck to one knuckle. At that point, I decided that perhaps a shower was in order. I stood up and stepped over to the shower stall; immediately, I felt liquishit running down my legs. I laughed. As I waited for the water to warm up, another shit-nugget fell off of my ass and hit the floor with a wet >thwack<. I laughed again.

Well, the rest of the story is pretty boring. I stuffed my shit-laden
undies in a plastic bag, then tossed it in the trash, where it sits on top,
in plain view...I don't give a fuck. Unfortunately, I had soiled my last
clean pair of underpants, so I had to go digging around in the dirty
clothes for a spare pair.

Y'know, most folks would be pretty embarassed about shitting their pants, but not me. No, I figure if I can amuse a few thousand people with the tale of my misfortune, it makes the whole thing worthwhile. KnowhutImean?

[enzo@af]

I know what you mean.

[koh]

so descriptive...hella funny though...

[MBTN]

Dude, you should make a book of all these stories.

[gang$tarr]

man you have some serious ass/shit problems.... i think you should see a doctor... i've never shit my pants (well since i was a baby in a diaper)

[primera man]

Dude...you have a arse problem ....you really have some bad luck dont you !!!!

Very funny though

[Jay!]

Just invest in a colostomy bag.

[Porsche]

The thign that interests me the most is the way you describe it. Your like an intelligent Forrest Gump. I'd say a book is in order also. "My Adventures with the Bowels from Hell" or something. ;D

[primera man]

This poor guy here reminds me of your storys !!!!

[Porsche]

Ahhhh, did you have to put that up?

[primera man]

Originally posted by Porsche

Ahhhh, did you have to put that up?

Sorry dude.....didn't think it was any worse then the story ..LOL.

I'll remove it if others think the same .

[Jay!]

I'm cool with it. I love www.doodie.com.