Australia: You f*cking beauty

[Setanta]

I love a Sunburnt Country
We, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional coon.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are one nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.
Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it’s "liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more homos than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family who bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception.
Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent red wines, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation - where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen).
They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the boring views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too (most of it with VB written on it).
Although the Territory is the centre-piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And then there's Queensland - supposedly God's country. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The nation's capital. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us that Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party (albeit a redneck gun-toting one) can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while Brian Bloody Harradine can get 24,000 votes and control the whole country. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it’s about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count like cricket, netball, rugby league, rugby union, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock and the tastiest pies in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know that we hate the poofs who make it.

We shoot, we vote, we are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis!

[Oz]

That's Awesome!! Original?

[Setanta]

I wish - I have no talent in the humour stakes

[Spunkymonkey]

That part about the Tasmanians was very funny

[taranaki]

Good to see that a country can find its own inadequacies funny..If an American were to write about the USA in such terms,he would be lynched,or at least dragged onto Letterman to explain himself......
Glad to see so many Kiwis in Australia.As Sir Robert Muldoon once noted,any New Zealander silly enough to want to emigrate to Australia should do so,as they will increase the average IQ of both countries....

[Spunkymonkey]

Originally posted by taranaki
Good to see that a country can find its own inadequacies funny..If an American were to write about the USA in such terms,he would be lynched,or at least dragged onto Letterman to explain himself......
Glad to see so many Kiwis in Australia.As Sir Robert Muldoon once noted,any New Zealander silly enough to want to emigrate to Australia should do so,as they will increase the average IQ of both countries....

1 + 1 = window (doesn't do much for IQ average)

1 - 1 = 0 hahaha...so yours would be getting worse :P

j/k

[Ssom]

"At least we are better than the Kiwi's", that one had me choking with laughter:silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2: :silly2:









Damn, I will never call the South Islanders complicated and uncivillised again