life sucks.

[Suislide]

a whole bunch of things have been happening that make me feel like i don't even want to wake up anymore. i'm sitting here, and i just feel like slouching. i can't sit up straight, like there's all this weight on my shoulders. i'm so depressed and pissed off and bored and hating life...

first, my parents tell me that i now have to pay rent to live in my own house. go on about "becoming an adult" or "you should have expected it" if you want, but i didn't expect it. they pounced it on me without warning, and right at the time when my bank account is running low. this also means that i'll now need to get a new job since my current one is not giving me enough hours.

then, my cell phone breaks. like...snaps in half. people trying to call me, but i can't answer the phone or see who's calling, which is one of my biggest pet peeves. and now that i have to pay rent, i don't know when i'll be able to afford another phone.

rent ALSO means that i won't be able to afford a car, YET AGAIN, until spring. great, another set back from me getting a car. why do i even try?

on the topic of cars, every douche bag who expresses interest in buying my old rusty POS 240SX as a parts car, falls out of contact with me before the deal can be sealed. so i'm still stuck with this piece of shit, and now i desperatley need the money.

my tattoo: an inch long section became irritated and is scabbed over. i'm not sure what it'll be like underneath when the scab comes off, or how long the scab will take to come off (it's been 2 weeks already). the rest of the design is scab free except for this one spot, and i'm afraid it'll be terribly faded and i'll have to go in for a touch-up. another thing i can't afford.

my friends are all gone to University or College. i'm stuck here with absolutely no-one to hang out with. my life consists of waking up, showering, going to work, coming home, sitting on this god-forsaken machine for however long, then sleeping and doing it all over again the next day. i have absolutely nothing fun to look forward to, just work.

i have no idea where i'm going either. i dicked around in high school and earned shit marks, so i've fucked myself out of University unless i go back to high school for a year. i could go to College, but not until next year because i put off applying for this year and by the time i got around to it, it was too late (story of my fucking life). i have no motivation when it comes to school and i doubt i'll go anywhere in life.

the ex girl"friend". she claimed she still wanted to be friends with me after we broke. her original excuse for the break was that her feelings changed and she just wanted some space for a while. she maintained that there was always a chance that we could get back together once she was comfortable again. now it's not like i was sitting around waiting for her. i was definitley looking elsewhere, even hooked up once or twice at parties, but all of it was meaningless. deep down i still loved her and only her. to show just how strongly i feel about her, it's been a month since we split, and i'm still not over her. i still think about her and the things we did, the times we had, and i cry. i miss her so fucking much.

so tonight i call her. she said maybe tomorrow we could hang out since neither of us worked. i call to find out that she "forgot" she made other plans first, so we couldn't hang out. oh, and she's going away for a week on saturday, so tomorrow was the last chance we could've hung out before she left. gee, thanks...

so i ask her what her plans are that she has tomorrow. without warning or without prodding even (i don't even know why she went into it because my question had nothing to do with it), she goes into this long shpiel about how she doesn't want to lie to me anymore.

i won't type out the whole conversation, but the gist is: for the last 2 weeks of our relationship, she was seeing someone else. he was the reason that she broke up with me, and she's been with him ever since, lying to me the whole time so to "not hurt me".

you fucking BITCH! you didn't want to hurt me at first. well did you think waiting a month and letting all this tension build up would help at all?!

as soon as those words left her mouth, i sat for a second. then i vomited. all over my jeans, all over my carpet. took me half an hour to scrub it out.

after i finished puking, i asked her if he was there. she said no. then i hear his cellphone ring in the background. nice, way to stop lying to me.



so here i sit, feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my body, feeling like i have no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. feeling like i live in an apartment building rather then my house now. feeling like i have no future, that i'm going nowhere. feeling like i'm alone in this town with no friends and no-one to go to for advice, or hang out with to get my mind off of things. my face hurts from crying, my eyebrow piercing is bleeding because my face has been scrunched up all night, my cheeks are sticky with tears, the inch-long section of my tattoo is stinging, and my room smells like carpet cleaner.

i want to die.

[goat_launcher]

This shit's circular man - an upturn in your life has to hit sometime. And don't worry about the slut - her time will come as Led Zeppelin says. Keep us updated.

[Toksin]

Check your PM's, B-rizzle.

[ghostguy6]

Wow sounds exatly like the shit I went through, things will get better for you. Dont worry about the ex. there are tons of good women out there, if I can find one Im sure you can too. Feel free to PM or Im me anytime if you wanna talk about. Ive been there before, so I know what it feels like.

[-Davo]

What the fuck. If you just change that story to you going to university, you had a spit-fucking-image of my life. We're the same in every minor detail it's scary.

The hardest thing in life is watching the one you love, love someone else. I felt that tonight.

[Ssom]

Alcohol + Pool B-Rizzle. 5 hours ago I was almost in tears (Various reasons, none of which I want to go into- but it's similar reasons to yours for the most part), then I got tipsy and found some company, as well as a new drinking/pool on Fridays buddy.

Try your best to make an effort to meet new people, you'll thank yourself for it one day, my good friend.

[YogsVR4]

Sorry to hear of all the rough stuff going on Brian. Its to bad this shit takes so long to turn around. It won’t happen overnight, but you need to get yourself motivated to change some things in your life. Your still real young so your options are really open. Perhaps a tour in the service (could be the coast guard), a roughneck job in Alaska, some time in the Peace Corps, work on a cruise ship or anything else that gets you out of town and away from the focal point of your current problems.

I hope you can get over all the issues. Things will never be the same again – ever. I wish you good fortune.

[-Jayson-]

yes it definitely sounds like you need a life change, like YogsVr4 said, go out on your own, do something random (not suicidal) and move out. Get an oddball job in some city and start living your life, if you work hard at what you do, you can do almost anything.

[Mediocrity]

I'll never understand why people cry over the lying whores.

But keep awake men, life turns good.

[ghostguy6]

Originally Posted by Mediocrity

I'll never understand why people cry over the lying whores.

Its because they always rip out our hearts and in most cases stomp on it in front of us, then they kick us in the balls before they leave.but then you find the right one then you dont have to cry anymore, the only crying you do is tears of joy

[Mediocrity]

Does the realization that she was just a stupid bitch not take hold?

i'd only feel stupid for a day and go on with it... but oh well.

[Suislide]

she is a stupid bitch.

but it doesn't change the fact that i loved her more then i've loved anyone, despite all the shit she pulled.

no-one seems to understand that. people tell me to just get over her, burn the bridge or whatever. it's just not that easy for me with her, so you'll have to acknowledge that fact.


with that said, i can't thank you all enough for the kind words, well wishes, offers of help, and PM's (from those who have sent them to me). it does help, a bit, to know that others are out there. doesn't really make me feel any better, but unfortunatley there's nothing anyone can do to make me feel better, so thank you all for trying.

i'll keep you updated.

[ghostguy6]

I know you cant just let her go, that takes time to get over, best thing you can do is to try and forget about her. Go out and have some fun, meet new people and try to meet some women as well. And if you want to talk your more than welcome to, PM or IM it doesnt matter. PS women seem to love the "guy on the rebound" routine, given your current situation that may work quite well, keep your head up things will get better

[twospirits]

I agree. I like Yogs idea on the peace corps as well as the cruise.

Brian check you PM.

TS out

[Mediocrity]

Glad to see you're keepin' on.