Need some help guys

[evil_elmo]

ok its my time now, i had a BIG fight with my girlfriend and it was all my fault!! i reget it so much now and i want her back so much but i hurt her to much and she doesn't want to see me at the moment, she say that she wants some time apart to think but i'm so heart broke i haven't been giving her the time she wants, i'm always thinking about her and wanting to see her

so guys what can i do to keep my mind off her and give her the time she needs???

[Worshp]

Hey dude. Sorry to hear about this. It sounds like something similar to what I went through when i broke up with my ex 3 months ago.

Not sure if this is the situation, but we never actually had an argument when we broke up. She said that she needed some time and space, and I gave it to her. The thing was that that allowed her to decide that she didn't actually want to be in a relationship in the first place.

But you know what the good thing was. i decided I didn't want to be in a relationship either. We were at the stage where we lived and breathed each other, and in a way it meant that we actually both lost ourselves. In any relationship I get into from now on, I know I must respect the other persons freedom to be by themselves, have their own time and space. The thing is that I thought I didn't want my freedom when I was in a relationship, however after coming out of it it was the biggest thing that I missed.

Give her time, and try not to bug her too much. You can say that you are sorry for having an argument with her if it was your fault, however sometimes an argument is just a sign of deeper troubles or giving it a reason for things to end.

As far as my advice goes, I don't think that being in my situation is exactly the same, however I know that when I stopped calling my ex, and getting on with other things, was when she flet like she was losing me forever and wanting me back. The thing was when that happened, I didn't actually want her back.

[evil_elmo]

thank you my friend

i'm only 20years old and this is my first true love, i gave her everything and i loved her so much, and still love her

we have been going out close to 2 years now, but i was her friend to start with and within the time we have been going out we were very close, we probaby see each other nearly everyday if we don't see each other she or i will always call, our love was so strong until i fucked it all up and i will give anything to turn back time to fix it

i want to give her the time she needs but i'm scared she will move on, when i saw her last time we was so strong, like she didn't need me anymore, i'm so scared i'm going to lose her forever i can't take it anymore, i want her back

so when did you stopped calling your ex Worshp?? cause i want her to want me

thank you again

[Worshp]

No probs man..hang in there!

Stopping calling my ex all happened in one day. I had called her in the afternoon after about 2 months from breaking up. Before then we had been basically talking everyday and ended up crying without fail everytime. What finally clicked inside me was that I didn't need to go through all of this shit. I could live and survive without her, and it was better to know now that she wasn't the right one for me than find out when most of my life was over.

I also went out with my ex for 2 years, and I loved her as much as you do with your girlfriend. The thing was that all that love meant that I had to give up things which now I wouldn't be prepared to do. I sold my beautiful S6 RX7 for her, got into a house I wasn't sure about buying and stopped making friends and going out because it was what I thought she wanted.

True love is unconditional, yet when i think back oon it now, there were a lot of conditions...even though they were unspoken. We never had an argument, and that really frustrated me because i was never able to vent my true feelings. We never tried to do different things together and we always did stuff because we thought that that was what a couple wanted to do.

I know this is hard, but you have got a whole lot of your life ahead of you. You are 20, and I am 27. When I was 20 I was in a 6 year relationship until 24 and then in this last one until 26. I never got to experience the freedom and happiness of being a single person and only having to worry about yourself. And I can tell you now as a 27 year old who basically was married for the last 8 years of my life, that the feeling of being single and being able to work on being yourself and a better person is the best feeling I have had in my life!

Don't miss out on what is so important, and that is to grow into someone that you want to be, not what someone else wants you to be.

If you want to email me, email me @ [email protected]

[evil_elmo]

thats what all my friends have been telling me, that i'm young and i shouldn't settle down yet, and try new thing, but i can't i want a long term thing, i want her to be my wife later in life, she is my first love and i want her to be my only love and i want to grow old with her.

you're a very strong man ben and i don't know how to handle things, i hope everything will be better but i can't get my mind of her, i have a b18c sitting in my back yard and i don't even care about my cars now, i would sell everything for her just to get her back

[evil_elmo]

thank you ben you have made my day abit better, i'm going to take my ek for a drive now and clear my head

[Worshp]

Originally posted by evil_elmo
you're a very strong man ben and i don't know how to handle things, i hope everything will be better but i can't get my mind of her, i have a b18c sitting in my back yard and i don't even care about my cars now, i would sell everything for her just to get her back

I said exactly the same thing about my CRX when we broke up...but trust me, I love cars, and I want to be with someone that loves me for everything, not pressuring me to change myself into someone that she want's me to be.

I'll tell you what REALLY helped me a lot!

Write down in a diary everything you are feeling, and I mean everything...I filled up pages and pages with shit about her, and who I thought she was..what I liked and what I didn't. In the end there were quite a lot of things I didn't like about her and so I stopped putting her on a pedastal and started to see her for who she really was. This helped me to realise that she was not 'perfect' for me, and there were a lot of things that I saw that I probably couldn't cope with if we were to be together for the rest of our lives.

I know exactly the feeling regarding wanting to be in a relationship and to be married with her, but in all honesty, sometimes when you are apart you can see a clearer picture. I still think about my ex and how wonderful she was, but to stop thinking like that I can think of all the pain and the hurt she caused me. The thing is that this has happened now, and from now on you will have memories about what it is that she has done to you.

What did you actually do to make her feel this way, because the thing is that she may have been feeling like this for some time.

Here are some words that I wrote while waiting for you to reply.

Have no regrets, don't hide away, love your life, and be aware of what makes up the essence of life, don't be afraid of the things you can't change, and don't fear change because change is only a natural part of life.

From now on you can be whoever you want to be, you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. If you were to die tomorrow, then die without regret and know that you gave your life your best. You are stronger than sadness, regret and fear. All that you have to lose by giving your best is your inhibition to succeed. If I fall in love again I have succeeded in getting over the loves in my past. If I am dumped I have succeeded in being apart from someone who was not meant for me. Life is about living for now and the future because one thing we cannot ever do is change what happened in the past. You can change what happens from now on, and you can decide the way that you deal with this. Ask yourself this question. “Is this an opportunity to meet someone special that will love you unconditionally, or waste away your own special life for someone who doesn’t?”

[tannee]

Hey evil...im sorry to hear..
Ok...
Well...from past experience...make sure you dont lose it...yes i agree...keep ya mind off things...take ya car for a drive...hang with friends...just one thing you make sure not to do is that...not to party too much to keep ya mind off things...coz if she finds out...(you know how women think)...she will think...'oh he's having a good time without me'...or something along the lines...

Ok...she need time alone...give her space but not too much...coz she might drift. DONT push her...give her time and support. Mmmm...i dont know what you did...but you seem pretty upset...so the way i run by is that...if your relationship is strong...and you two love each other deeply...you two will pull through...and once you past that stage...your relationship will be stronger...mmm...not sure i helped...coz i dont know what you did...but good luck buddy,..

and remember...'keep ya head up'

later.

[TOYVTi]

Christ im gone for 5 mins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man i hope i made it in time. I really wanna give u advice, because i know exactly wat u going through, it sounds so similar to my ex gal!! I want to help and pass on sum of my experiences that i think will help u in this, as in making the right decisions, but first remember this:
People can give advice, but really, u will do wateva U THINK is necessary, cos u have to experience it, life is very hard sumtimes! My famous quote "we can only show u the door, u must walk through it" Morphus The matrix!! Hence matrix on my car! Im obsessed!

I had lots of advice wen i broke from my gal, but i took none of it, cos i was so desperate to get her back, i really was cut up!! I was exactly the same, fri nite we were tight as, then at the end of the nite, i was a sad guy, fuk knws why, but was really sad! Being mean, u know, then the next day boom, it was over, and shit, she really didnt wanna see me, nothing eh, this advice i got was not to bother her, but i decided to neways, i went around as a surprise visit, she had no idea i was coming around, this was a bad idea, it was in concrete after i did this. I then realized i was never getting her back, which was one, very hard, two good also, because i knew i had to get on with this, and deal with it!

I stopped eating for over a week, lost a bt of weight, and i think u seen a pic of me, im a skinny dude (wirey i say) so my parents were getting reel worried. My car took a turn for the worse, i didn’t have fun driving it (man i was bad) and nething i did, playstaion, drinking, with mates, nething i was not happy, nothing ever in the world could make me happy, only she could! My ex was my first love, and also i spent soo much time with her that it wasnt funny, same as worshp, didnt ever have one min spare, it was really hardcore with her, very unhealthy, in 2.5 years, me and mi high school luv were so tight that the lifestyle change after it all was soo daunting that i was getting sick, i wasnt healthy mentally! I would never get into a deal like that again, like i would love sum1 that much again, but i really need mi time with mi car, to play station, to do wateva i want!

At the time, i thought, man im never going with another girl. But Honestly man its like this, things happen for a reason, and boy is it hard, but really this might be the way its gonna be, and eventually u'll realize this as i did!

And then worshp broke up, and i emailed him to try and lend sum advice, but man, he has it sorted now!! I have a new respect again for u Worshp, really intelligent man u are, moving words, and very thought out things to say, man it meant something to me, reading this thread! Makes mi advice to u sound like crap!

But elmo, look for ur mates for comfort, and stay strong, i hope i had sumthing good to say, if u wanna ring me, or wateva, mail me and ill forward the number. Cos i is only 21, and its so far, the toughest thing i did, really was a grown up thing, i was surprised at how gutted i was.

Stay strong, and u'll work through it, remember if ur happy with ur self, ur happy with ur life. Forgive ur self for ur mistake, and realize it wasnt ur fault, and realize, if u didnt do this, she would have, like with me, i had no balls to break up, but i was mean (dunno y) and she left, like i forced her to hate me, then she went, but man i am reel happy now, and me and my ex are very good mates, but not like that

peace out buddy!! (sorry for the 722 words!!)

[evil_elmo]

THANK U

you guys are like a second family for me, all my friends work during the day and i turn to shit cause i just think to much then i will do someone dumb like try see her then i will drive her away more

reading all this and hearing all everyone has said to me, i'm very confused at the moment, all i know is that i want her back but i'm going to give her time but i'm still going to drop off a single red rose every week, just to say i'm still here and i still love her

thank you everyone, you guys are the best!!!!

[Worshp]

Toy and I went pretty much through the same thing..I mean, i had real difficulty eating, so I made sure that whenever I had a craving for something, I ate it as fast as I could....mince pies at 2am...just get one or two or 6!....garlic mussles...get them....you just have to be sure that you get as much energy as you can because believe me, crying and worrying is as hard as running a marathon every day.

I know exactly how you both feel about the never wanting to see another woman, and thinking that this woman is completely the right one. I remember crying to my mum on the phone and saying how beautiful she was, and all the things that she did for me, but what I also realised is that no one person should rule that much of your life. There is only so much you should expect from someone else and I think both her and I expected perfection.

You know how I said that it clicked for me one day. Well it was almost 2 months later (everybody copes with these things in different ways), and I actually physically said to myself, I am not going to let this ruin my life. I started to think about all the positive things that I had..my friends who respected me so much, my love of cars, my career, my education, my health, my direction in life...and I started to realise that this part, the relationship part was only a part of me that had ended, but at the same time, the excitement was that it was a new beginning. And guess what?

The next day I flew to Auckland, I was a completely different person. Honestly if you had talked to me the day before and then the next day, you would swear that I had a split personality. And it came to me that I have the opportunity to find someone that I truly care for, respect, love unconditionally and I can go through the whole falling in love thing again. I know this sounds scary, because it was totally scary when I first broke up to think "god I have to do the whole single thing again", but in being scary, it is actually challenging yourself to find out who you are and what you really want!

And you know, when I was in Auckland I met my indian lady...Miss India. And she is completely different to my ex, and in many ways I am so glad that I have been given the opportunity to rewrite my life again! I am falling in love all over again, and I am at one with myself. I don't have to rush into anything for the sake of comfort, I can actually get into something that I truly want to be in.

The old expression, there are other fish in the sea, seemed like such a load of bollocks to me 3 months ago, but my man, this is so true, and there are probably more fish out there that are as perfect for you or even more so than the person you are breaking up with.

My life now vs what it was when I was with my ex was like comparing Summer to Winter. Now in the summer, my heart is warm, life is full of opportunity and my head is the clearest it has ever been. During my winter with my ex I was starting to resent not being myself, and just coping with the dark days, hoping that someday my heart would again feel the heat of summer. Now that I am free, I look on life in a completely different way, and the person that I want to be with needs to be able to see that life is about change, opportunity, growth and freedom, not about routine, contraction, rules and stagnation.

[Worshp]

Originally posted by evil_elmo
reading all this and hearing all everyone has said to me, i'm very confused at the moment, all i know is that i want her back but i'm going to give her time but i'm still going to drop off a single red rose every week, just to say i'm still here and i still love her

thank you everyone, you guys are the best!!!!

OK...this is my advice...you can take it or leave it.

I'm not sure what you did....and I suppose in some way it has a bearing on what has happened, but.

Assuming it was just a general argument, this may have just provided her with the opportunity to get out. If this is the case then it doesn't really matter what you do because she wont come back to you, and giving her roses etc, will just make her feel more and more trapped. Everytime I said to my ex can't we work this out, or talk about it or whatever, this just made her even more resentful...the only recurring theme with her was that she wanted space, to not be in a relationship right now, and to work out her life. I should have seen these things as a sign because nowhere in there did she say, I will work this out for myself and then i'll be back...or yes I will discuss this with you in a weeks time. Basically it had already ended in her mind, but it hadn't clicked for me in mine.

My advice is this:

If your expectations are low you won't be shocked if she doesn't come back to you but if she does you will be really happy

If your expectations are high you will be devastated if she doesn't come back to you, and if she does then your expectations will only be met.

Set realistic expectations to avoid being hurt.

I wish you well, and if you need to talk i'm only an email or phonecall away.

[Moppie]

Originally posted by Worshp
however after coming out of it

I miss all the good stuff!



Damn you guys all sound pathetic!
and they say Kiwi men can't comunicate. I might just have to save this page to show the next g/f who tries to tell me that.




So what did you do Elmo that is so terriable?
You sound like your really in love and in deep trouble?

But just remember one thing, 20 is still young, I know plenty of people who have broken up after 2yr long relationships all in thier early 20s. (I tend to wisen up early, and dont drag it on that long. ). So if you can try and take a good objective look at whats going on, and how you really honestly deep down feel about her.
If you geunily believe you absolutly love her like nothing else in the world, and you cant imagine another day with out her then some damage control is called for, and if she feels the same way about you, (which is a required part of you loving her) then you will be alright eventualy.

If however you prehaps dont love as much as you might think you do, then maybe its time to say goodbye and move on. Its a hard thing to do, but in the end will be worth it.

[evil_elmo]

we just had fight and one thing led to another and by the time i knew what i loss it was to late

our fight wasn't anything that big when i think about it and when i look back i wish i never started it, it is the biggest mistake and reget in my life

Worshp are you still going past chch on the way down??

[Spunkymonkey]

OK.....girls perspective...

When she states she wants space, I agree that you should try and honour that wish even though it may be hard. The more you attempt to contact her, the more she will want to run.

Like some of the others said, she will feel more smothered, and might feel it was the right thing to do (split up). Even the roses may be a bit much.

If she truly wants to be in a relationship with you, she will come back to you.

I agree the argument may have brought up issues, or a reason for her to get out. Especially if this was her first major relationship. Sometimes girls can just feel like its getting too serious, and want out.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this pain. That's life unfortunately, and if it was meant to be it will work out.

Cheer up ok