What to do when you hate your buddy's girlfriend?

[kublah]

As the title implies, I can't friggin' stand the chick my room mate has been dating for the past year+. I think she is terribly, horribly wrong for him and that he could scrape a more suitable mate off the bottom of the trashcan. I could go on all day about how much I dislike her and why but that would probably belong in stress release, and that's not really why I'm here...

I guess I'm just wondering if it's my place to say something to him about it. I've known the guy for 7 years, went to college together and all... So I'd like to think that he'd value my opinion on such things, but he's seen me blow it with enough women that he'd probably do the opposite of whatever I suggested... But at the same time I've learned from all the mistakes I made, and the feeling that I'm watching him make a lot of the same ones I did just kills me. I want to help, but are some things better learned for yourself, the hard way?

Should I let the respect I have for him keep me quiet and let him work this out for himself? Or do I give in to my desire to help him, if only by showing him a contrasting opinion on current events? I have a very strong feeling that things are going to get worse before they get any better on their own, and watching him waste his young life with this silly, mentally imbalanced little demon is truly painful. HELP!

[NSX-R-SSJ20K]

yea you just have to hang in there can't do anything about it

telling your bud that you hate his GF won't help anyone what-so-ever

[NSX]

What is it that's so bad?
Is she using him or something?

[YogsVR4]

I suggest you don't say anything unless asked. Then be polite, but to the point. You don't want to alienate your buddy with strong words about someone he obviously has feelings for.

[zebrathree]

What Yogs said. I was in the same situation myself. My mate tried to 1X himself over this girl. She is very very bad for him; plays mind games alot.

She is very very lucky I havent seen her since, though I understand she still tries to hang around.

[TRDboi]

If she's doing something that could cause harm to your friend, you owe it to him to let him know, in a polite way, of course... If you just don't like her, keep your mouth shut. You could always, coincidentally, be absent whenever she's around & your friend will probably get the hint.
My best friend was hooked on this girl that was using him and trying to change him into what she wanted & not loving him for who he was. She was also destroying his esteem & he seemed to be constantly depressed. I drove several hours to spend a weekend w/ him to try & open his eyes & I think he's forever grateful. Who knows how low he would have gotten if he kept chasing after her....
With your situation, it all depends on circumstances like how close you and your friend are, how much he values your opinion on such matters, etc.

[GTStang]

Cant say shit. Your friend has to learn on his own.

[99civic03]

Cant say shit. Your friend has to learn on his own.

Yeah, theres nothing you can do, just know that the relationship will end sooner or later and u need to just wait it out until then.

[tonioseven]

I used to fart and do really ignorant things when I was around my buddy's g-friend. Seriously. I respected his feelings for her though.

[rbohm]

all you can do is give your opinion when and if he askes for it. otherwise keep your mouth shut. be polite to her, but at the same time distant from her. if your buddy has a clue, he may ask you why and you can tell him then, just be cool about it though and DONT insult her. it will just alienate you from your buddy.

[kublah]

*sigh*
After continued deliberation I think the do nothing crowd takes it. For whatever it's worth I'm pretty much already doing most of the things that have been suggested. I don't really talk to her unless she says something to me, then my answer is as politely brief as I can make it before vacating the area.

I really don't want to make this seem like a problem between me and her exclusively. Sure, having her around our apartment constantly kind of cramps my style and I'd rather not have to go out of my way to avoid someone who basically lives under my roof. But the thing that bothers me the most is watching him waste his time and dig himself deeper and deeper into the already near-bottomless chasm that he's gotten himself into.

I hope my buddy does have a clue and that he's noticing the way I act around her, but sometimes I don't think he knows how I feel about her at all. I act in a certain way when she's around, but she's always around so he never really sees the other side of the spectrum. I'm afraid he might think that my often sh!tty attitude is just that, a bad attitude, not a reaction to something that continually upsets me...

This blows...

[Carguy393]

I was just kind of in this same situation. No one liked my buddies girlfriend and we knew she was cheating on him but flat out telling him that she was a slut and was cheating on him would have done nothing. Although ignoring the problem doesnt help either.

I think the best thing to do is to tell your buddy that in your opinion he is making a lot of mistakes that you have made already. Tell him that you are just afraid that he is going to make the same mistakes and just tell him to be careful.

When you talk to him try and say you as little as possible. Always say I. Give him examples of the things that have happend to you and tell him just to be careful. Ex. I just afraid that your girlfriend is going to (Use example here) like (one of your ex's) did to me.

Finally just leave an open invitation in case he needs help such as "and if you need help with something just let me know and I will help you out."

It may not get rid of her right away but If and when she breaks up with him it will make it a lot easier for him to rebound. Then the next time you see him making a mistake he will be more likely to listen up.

[integra818]

Hey kublah, YOU don't like her...but maybe your buddy does. If he has'nt dumped her, you should'nt tell him to. If he feels happy with her then he should stay with her. That's what a relationship is about right?..bieng happy with someone? It's like saying "damn, I hate my friend's car, it's freakin ugly, I should tell him to sell it"...but what if your friend LIKES that car? Am I making sense???

[kublah]

Of course that makes sense. I've thought the same thing many times. Unfortunately, conditions that have been undisclosed up until now kind of cast that argument in a different light. He hasn't dumped her, but he tried to at least twice that I know of. Both times she told him she was going to kill herself if he kicked her out. Each time he was convinced to take her back. He doesn't seem happy at all when he's with her... I hear her yelling at him more than I hear either one of them laughing. She gives him enough shit that anybody else I know would have sent her packing by now, but it seems to me like he somehow feels obliged to stay with her because she depends on him for so much, or to avoid all the trouble ending it would cause.

I like the car metaphor. I wouldn't just hate my buddy's car because it was ugly. If he had an Aztek and loved driving it and it took good care of him, so be it. But if he's driving a car that is not only horribly ugly but breaks down a lot, is expensive to maintain and provides little pleasure of ownership, I gotta wonder why he doesn't sell the damn thing. He can easily afford a new one, and he deserves a better one. But I don't think he knows how much more he might enjoy a different car, just as I'm not so sure he realizes how much he might enjoy a healthier, more supportive and all around normal relationship.

[integra818]

Has your buddy had any girlfriends before this one??? I mean...sorry to say but it's like your friend is desperate to keep her. If I was leaving a girl and she threatened to kill herself, it would'nt affect me because what she does AFTER we break up is her business. I'm not aying I wouldnt care if she killed herself, but it's not like anyone is FORCING her to kill herself. Tell your buddy to step up to the plate and dump her without caring what she'll do afterwards. (wow, look how my views have changed after your last post ) Good luck with you and your buddy.