The Driver's Seat: I'm judging you on your aftermarket parts.

[AF News Desk]

The Driver's Seat:
I'm judging you on your aftermarket parts
“That three-foot aluminum wing and those flame decals are cool!” - Something I will never say.

Jonathan Swigart - AutomotiveForums.com
Dec. 9, 2011

They say “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

I suspect 'they' have never considered the automotive enthusiast.

For many enthusiasts – myself included – the infancy of our interest in automobiles likely included a period of “taste deprivation.” That is to say, we liked things that by all accounts were very poor in quality due to our lack of experience with things that were high in quality.

Those of us fortunate enough to evolve past this stage have learned what true automotive beauty is, allowing us to enjoy the masterful workings of people who show their automotive interest and pride through modification and aftermarket styling.

However, there still exist drivers who are blinded by the pseudo-quality car parts offered at a discount by box-stores, and exaggerated Fast and Furious motifs on incredibly underwhelming cars.

Therefore, to those drivers, I direct a few comments on your purchases and what they suggest to me:

The Giant Wing – I wish I could tell you that this looks great on your '97 Pontiac Grand Am. But I can't. Just like I can't tell you that by putting it on your car, you're getting better downforce on your rear wheels – primarily because your car is front-wheel-drive. I wish I could tell you that people who know cars will look at your $70 modification and say “hey, that's cool – I should do that to my Grand National.” But I can't. Because no one with a Grand National would ever say that. Finally, I wish I could tell you that I have hope for you. Unfortunately, the Tap-Out decal that covers your rear windshield suggests that anyone who offers you real advice will be met with some poorly-formed sentence that inevitably ends with “bro.”

The Fart-can Exhaust – This modification defines 90 percent of the idiot car modders out there: The ones who buy an aftermarket exhaust system in hopes of adding 20 horsepower to their stock Cavalier/Civic/G5/Tercel/other should-only-be-stock vehicles. That's right, I'm talking to you, guy who puts a full cat-back exhaust at an angle on a stock, base-model Ford Focus. I wish I could look at you with a straight face and say “that's going to do wonders for your gas mileage and horsepower,” but I know for a fact that I would fail. You see, the reason so many cars have small exhaust outlets is because of back-pressure, which assists in the propulsion of your car. When you put a three-inch exhaust on a car that isn't performance-oriented in any way, you're actually hurting your car's power AND mileage. Translation? You spent $200 to make your car slower and less fuel efficient.

The Sticker Fanatic – If stickers added horsepower, some drivers out there would be pushing 1000 easily in their stock, mid-90s Eclipse GSs or their Cavalier LS four-doors with the mirror-tinting. But they don't. In fact, most stickers only add skepticism about the prowess of most vehicles that possess them. And why shouldn't they? Just because you put three or four JEGS stickers on the rear windshield, maybe a Flowmaster sticker on one of the triangle windows in the back and a “turbocharged” sticker that you stole from a junkyard on the trunk lid does not mean you are cool or that your car is “boss.” I personally believe that unless you're driving for NASCAR or represent a sticker company, the only sticker that should be visible on your car is the one that keeps your license plate valid. But that's ok – you go ahead and keep trying to insist that your sticker-covered car will destroy that Camaro SS while justifying NOT opening the hood because “I don't have to prove anything to you – I KNOW it.” Sure you do.

The Bodykit Kids – I know you saw it on eBay and the guy selling it SWEARS that it will fit your car, but the likelihood of it looking good is slim to nil. What's that? You mean you've already torn the front lip off while going over the train tracks? Surely not! Who would have thought something held on by bolts with lock-washers and a couple of zip-ties wouldn't be properly secured? Nevermind the fact that the edges of the front lip stuck out far enough to put curb-feelers to shame – what about that ridiculous amount of space between the ground and the car itself; kinda renders a “ground-effects” package pointless, don't you think? Oh, and the one-inch gapping between the side skirts, rear valance and the body itself look great – not to mention the primer-gray coloring against that seafoam-green paint.

Those “wheels” – Despite popular opinion among your group of friends who drive stupider looking cars than you, those 18-inch rims on your Civic do NOT look “dope.” Nevermind the fact that they've been curbed so much they look like part of an art project – how do you justify fender-gapping so poor that your tires rub when you're pointed any direction save for perfectly straight? And don't get me started on the camber kit you felt the need to install on your '90s Impala, that you just can't seem to find tires for that will last more than 10,000 miles. The only consolation I can find is that you're not driving a Ford F-150 on 10-inch, gold-spoked rims. Yet.

Your “hood-scoops” or “Shaker hood” – I've got to be completely honest here: I don't care WHAT car you put this on, it will never, EVER look good. Ever. You can justify it to yourself all you want, even arguing that it doesn't match the color of your car because “it's a new trend,” - you will never hear anyone who knows anything about cars say “I NEED that!” Your car needs one of those like it needs detachable, racing-style steering wheel (who knows – maybe getting in and out of your '96 Corsica is tough to do with those fake Recaro seats that you got for $50 each on Craigslist) or a blow-off valve emulator.

Some of you may read this and know exactly what I'm talking about. Others of you may read this and say “Hey! That's not funny – My [insert option above] looks great on my car!”

If you are one of the latter, I will simply say this: Thank you.

Thank you for not buying good cars and doing the horrible things you've done to your car to something that a person who knows what they are doing should own.

-------------------------------

Jonathan Swigart is an award-winning journalist and has been around the automotive world his entire life. "The Driver's Seat" will explore some of the basic aspects of driving that drivers often overlook, among other topics related to driving and the auto industry. He lives in Champaign, Illinois with his wife and son and works at the University of Illinois.

You can reach Jonathan by emailing [email protected]

[CivicSpoon]

Now that's funny!

[amy@af]

damnit! I only have 16" Enkei's on my Civic I'm not cool enough

[BLU CIVIC]

Originally Posted by LadyNRedSi

damnit! I only have 16" Enkei's on my Civic I'm not cool enough

i've got 14" BMW bottle caps

[-Josh-]

Originally Posted by LadyNRedSi

damnit! I only have 16" Enkei's on my Civic I'm not cool enough

You're cooler than you need to be.

[Moppie]

Awesome post Jon!



Don't just judge though, I think there needs to be some laughing go on.

Next time you see a crap car with lots of stickers and bad parts tacked on, point and laugh.

If you know someone who does this to their car, ring them up and laugh.
Laugh at them via email, laugh at them on skype, and then go around to their house and laugh at them in person.

[mike@af]

Great write-up Jon. I completely agree with you. Now allow me to express my uncensored thoughts.

Blacked out taillights - This does not look cool, your black car with black wheels, and blacked out headlights and taillights does not even resemble that of an F117. It resembles a piece of monotone shit rolling around down that screams, "Hope you don't mind the fact you can't see my taillights, not like I use my brakes or turn signals anyway."

Hoodpins - Is your car a race car? If not, why the hell do you have hood pins?

Japanese Badges - Wow, that is a sweet JDM Honda Integra you have there, I was unaware they came in left hand drive, oh wait, you drive a fucking Acura Integra, dumbass. Also, a Infiniti G35 never was and never will be a Skyline, so your GT-R badge on your G35 make you a GT-Retard.

Japanese Badges Continued - Those stupid chevrons that are yellow and green. You know exactly what I am talking about. Do you realize in Japan that means, "Caution Student Driver"? Why the hell do you want something advertising that you suck a driving...oh wait...never mind.

Hella Flush - Who ever came up with this fad needs a lesson in physics. Slamming your Civic/Integra/240SX/Other Fad Car to the ground by cutting your springs, rolling your fenders, stretching your tires, and adding massive amounts of unneeded camber does not look cool. It looks like your suspension is fucking broken and you're too stupid to fix it.

Stretched tires - Stretched tires screams, "I spent all my money on these 10" wide wheels, but can't afford the tires the right size so I'm just going to use these Triangle/General/Wal Mart Special 215s and stretch them to fit." or "Yo, I got these 10" wide wheels for my civic, but they wont fit with a proper size tire so I'm going to stretch a tire that is way too narrow so that they will fit after my I roll my fenders. It will look dope, I will call it hellaflush." ...it's hella stupid.

Roof racks for those who don't need them - When did having a roof rack on a car become a fad? What the fuck is the point if you are not a cyclist?

Rusted hoods - Im just glad that fad died.