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| COMPLETELY off-topic Talk about anything other than cars. But you can't be mad and angry in this forum! |
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#1
11-02-2001, 09:31 PM
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In the spirit of bad jokes
While waiting for my Fiance to get here from downstate Allow me to put a groan on your lips.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking." "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm) 
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#2
11-02-2001, 09:32 PM
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I gots more
"I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm)
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#3
11-02-2001, 09:33 PM
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Are you dazed yet?
A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. ""That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck." A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick." "How sick are you ?" asks his boss. "Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm)
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#4
11-02-2001, 09:34 PM
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Please - allow me to continue....
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross !" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*** off!" Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A: Fsh
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm)
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#5
11-02-2001, 09:37 PM
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I know this will probably piss someone off....
Q: What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? A: Decalfinated. Q: Whats long and thin and covered in skin? Pink in parts and u shove it in tarts? A: Rhubarb Q: Where did napoleon keep his armies? A: Up his sleevies Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can go to sleep with a light on! Mummy why do I keep going round in circles? Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.. Little Johnny always gave his teacher raisins everyday, till one Tuesday. When she asked him why he had stopped bringing in the treats that she liked so much, he said, "Miss, my rabbit died."
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm)
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#6
11-02-2001, 09:39 PM
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Ho ho ho - I see you've lasted this far. You're a glutten for punishment.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists. An old couple were in a Doctors office and the Nurse told the old man that she needed a semen, urine and stool sample. The old man looked at his wife and said, "What did she say?" his wife said, "She wants your underwear." Two guys are talking. First one says: "I can't remember if the doctor said my wife had AIDS or Alzheimers." Second one says: "That is easy. Take her to the other side of town, If she finds her way home. Don't have sex with her." A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm)
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#7
11-02-2001, 09:41 PM
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True diehards have made it this far....
Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear? A: Cuz their peckers on their face. Did you hear about the Italian that joined the C.I.A.? His first assignment was to blow up a bus....and he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe! A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'Gator."
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm)
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#9
11-02-2001, 10:40 PM
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Quote:
__________________
 1989-2001. Audi V8. Metallic blue. 3.6l. 260hp. Black leather and woodgrain interior. Murdered by a Hiace van.  She is no more. She will be remembered. Rest in peace .
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#11
11-02-2001, 10:49 PM
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I've yet to hear a joke that makes me laugh more than my all time favorite joke.....
Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A. "Where's my tractor?"
__________________
 ________________________________________ Mark Brown 1991 Volkswagen Jetta (1.8L I4/5-speed/FWD)
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#12
11-02-2001, 11:32 PM
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Quote:
a guy walked into a bar and said OUCH!!!
__________________
 Please impede from anathematizing me just because I elocute loquacious locutions more Brobdingnaging than one could elucidate with a perspicacity as Lilliputian as your own.
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#13
11-02-2001, 11:42 PM
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First Guy: My girlfriend is kinda loose.
Second Guy: How so? First Guy: I was giving her "manual" stimulation and she "Stop, your ring is hurting". So I said "Ring nothing. Thats my wrist watch!"
__________________
Resistance Is Futile (If < 1ohm)
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#14
11-03-2001, 12:22 AM
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aaaaaahahahahahaa
 oh sh*t my stomach hurts now.. 
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#15
11-03-2001, 03:43 AM
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Quote:
__________________
1989-2001. Audi V8. Metallic blue. 3.6l. 260hp. Black leather and woodgrain interior. Murdered by a Hiace van. She is no more. She will be remembered. Rest in peace .
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