Let's start a joke thread

[allworld]

New Cowboy boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Margaret replies...
"Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."

[FlippiN.af]

Originally Posted by allworld

New Cowboy boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Margaret replies...
"Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."

Got to tell you that this joke has been posted already.
Its still funny.

[blacksol28]

A man and his neighbor are sitting on the porch together watching his dog play in the lawn. The dog stops and licks his balls. "I wish I could do that." Says the man, to which his neighbor replies. "It's your dog, do whatever you want."

[Muscletang]

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.

[Damien]

^old, but classic! love 'em!!! and i work at Home Depot!

[xavier3jr]

lmao!

[FlippiN.af]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.

Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”

“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

[Muscletang]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

----------------------------------------------------------

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

[Bobby56]

Superman has always had a thing for Superwoman. One day he's flying over her house and looks down. She's lying on her deck, completely naked with her arms and legs spread. Figuring he might not ever get another chance like this one he flies down and super-bangs her and flies off again. Superwoman is dazed for a minute then says "What the hell was that"? "I don't know, says the Invisible Man, but my a** sure hurts".

[stieh2000]

Originally Posted by Muscletang

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Thats not that funny... it's just common sense!

[fredjacksonsan]

> HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT
> in January 2009
>
> Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
> First night in the White House. She has waited so long..........
>
>
> The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
> "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
> "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
>
>
> The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
> Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
> "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
>
>
>
> On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
> Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>
>
>
> Lincoln says,
>
> "Go to the theater."

[nissan_240sx]

Originally Posted by Bobby56

Superman has always had a thing for Superwoman. One day he's flying over her house and looks down. She's lying on her deck, completely naked with her arms and legs spread. Figuring he might not ever get another chance like this one he flies down and super-bangs her and flies off again. Superwoman is dazed for a minute then says "What the hell was that"? "I don't know, says the Invisible Man, but my a** sure hurts".

I remember hearing this when I was in grade school lol

[FlippiN.af]

While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.” To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.

The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”

The parrot says, “Moses.”

The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”

The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”

[fredjacksonsan]

[SLoe]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."


A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."