Let's start a joke thread

[clawhammer]

So we haven't had a joke thread in a while. Here's one:

It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.


As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

[clawhammer]

There are these 2 guys playing golf at a golf course. as they are playing, a another guy catches up with them. instead of waiting for the two guys to be done he asked if he could just join. the two men agreed. after playing for a while. they get to know each other, they start to tell each other their profession. the first guy says he's a dentist, second guy says he's a teacher, and the new guy was a little reluctant to say at 1st but tells them he's a hit man. the two men were little surprised, and asked him to prove it. so he went into his golf bag and pulled out a sniper rifle. they are really impressed and asked if they can see the rifle. the hitman mentions that the rifle scope can see up to 5 miles. so the dentist was really impressed. and used it to look towards his house. as he is looking towards his house with the sniper rifle he see's his wife at his house, but also see's his neighbor. the dentist says, "W.T.F.! my wife is cheating on me with my neighbor!!! she lied to me that b****" he asks the hit man, "how much for a bullet?" he says, "500 dollars a bullet." the dentist reponses, "kinda pricey but i'll pay, i want you to shoot my wife in the mouth for lying to me and shoot my neighbor in the d*** for banging my wife." the hit man gets in the prone position and aims for a good 20 mins. the dentist gets impatient and asks; "whats taking so long?" the hitman respones, "hold up almost there im trying to save you 500 dollars!"

[xviciousx]

[Damien]

2nd one has been reposted so many times, it's probably in the internalmemory of AF. 1st was made me laugh, haven;t heard it in a long time.

Where's Tonio???

[vinnym86]

i haven't heard the second one, that one made me laugh, lol

Originally Posted by Damien

Where's Tonio???

He was abducted by aliens. or circus clowns.

[FlippiN.af]

Heres a joke:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[Muscletang]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.


Why did the idiot drive off the cliff?
So he could test his air brakes.


Why did the idiot take a bail of hay to bed with him?
He wanted to feed his nightmares.


A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"


While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards."
Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."


A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck."


It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.


A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!"

[sv650s]

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

[XeVeNskyLiNE]

^lol


skanks

[mike1224]

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Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
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When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

[mike1224]

this one's old

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, ! the man was impressed .
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

[driftinggrifter2]

This lady walked in to a butcher shop with her two kids to pick up some fresh cuts. When she got to the counter the butcher looked her up and down then looked at the 2 boys. After a few moments of awkard silence he ask her if her boys were twins. She said no this one is 7 and this one is 4, why do you ask?
He looked at her and said that he didn't think it was possible for someone so ugly to get f'd once much less twice. (been awhile since i told that one i think i screwed it up

[mike1224]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell h im different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.




Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Becky

[SLoe]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a
hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[SLoe]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
> > The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
> Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in
> three days.
> >
> > But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What
> is your first request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
> >
> > Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
> whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
> >
> > Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde
> woman on his back.
> >
> > As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
> Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You
> have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
> days.
> >
> > What is your second request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
> >
> > Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
> horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
> disappears over the horizon.
> >
> > Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
> returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive
> than the blonde.
> >
> > She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
> >
> > "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill
> you tomorrow. What is your last request."
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
> alone."
> >
> > The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
> the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs
> Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen
> carefully, for the last time. I said "BRING POSSE!"