Let's start a joke thread
clawhammer
01-30-2006, 12:07 PM
So we haven't had a joke thread in a while. Here's one:
It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
clawhammer
01-30-2006, 12:09 PM
There are these 2 guys playing golf at a golf course. as they are playing, a another guy catches up with them. instead of waiting for the two guys to be done he asked if he could just join. the two men agreed. after playing for a while. they get to know each other, they start to tell each other their profession. the first guy says he's a dentist, second guy says he's a teacher, and the new guy was a little reluctant to say at 1st but tells them he's a hit man. the two men were little surprised, and asked him to prove it. so he went into his golf bag and pulled out a sniper rifle. they are really impressed and asked if they can see the rifle. the hitman mentions that the rifle scope can see up to 5 miles. so the dentist was really impressed. and used it to look towards his house. as he is looking towards his house with the sniper rifle he see's his wife at his house, but also see's his neighbor. the dentist says, "W.T.F.! my wife is cheating on me with my neighbor!!! she lied to me that b****" he asks the hit man, "how much for a bullet?" he says, "500 dollars a bullet." the dentist reponses, "kinda pricey but i'll pay, i want you to shoot my wife in the mouth for lying to me and shoot my neighbor in the d*** for banging my wife." the hit man gets in the prone position and aims for a good 20 mins. the dentist gets impatient and asks; "whats taking so long?" the hitman respones, "hold up almost there im trying to save you 500 dollars!"
xviciousx
01-30-2006, 12:19 PM
:lol:
Damien
01-30-2006, 01:07 PM
2nd one has been reposted so many times, it's probably in the internalmemory of AF. 1st was made me laugh, haven;t heard it in a long time. :lol:
Where's Tonio???
Where's Tonio???
vinnym86
01-30-2006, 02:52 PM
i haven't heard the second one, that one made me laugh, lol
Where's Tonio???
He was abducted by aliens. or circus clowns.
Where's Tonio???
He was abducted by aliens. or circus clowns.
FlippiN.af
01-30-2006, 03:10 PM
Heres a joke:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
:lol:
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
:lol:
Muscletang
01-30-2006, 08:33 PM
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Why did the idiot drive off the cliff?
So he could test his air brakes.
Why did the idiot take a bail of hay to bed with him?
He wanted to feed his nightmares.
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards."
Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck."
It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!"
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Why did the idiot drive off the cliff?
So he could test his air brakes.
Why did the idiot take a bail of hay to bed with him?
He wanted to feed his nightmares.
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel, and there was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
While in a pub in England, a condom machine in the men's room had this on the ad: "Manufactured to strict British standards."
Underneath, someone had scratched, "So was the Titanic."
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her orgasm is stuck."
It was opening night at the theater and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!"
sv650s
01-30-2006, 08:39 PM
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
XeVeNskyLiNE
01-30-2006, 08:49 PM
^lol
skanks
skanks
mike1224
01-30-2006, 08:57 PM
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him
mike1224
01-30-2006, 08:58 PM
this one's old
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, ! the man was impressed .
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, ! the man was impressed .
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
driftinggrifter2
01-30-2006, 08:59 PM
This lady walked in to a butcher shop with her two kids to pick up some fresh cuts. When she got to the counter the butcher looked her up and down then looked at the 2 boys. After a few moments of awkard silence he ask her if her boys were twins. She said no this one is 7 and this one is 4, why do you ask?
He looked at her and said that he didn't think it was possible for someone so ugly to get f'd once much less twice. (been awhile since i told that one i think i screwed it up :rolleyes:
He looked at her and said that he didn't think it was possible for someone so ugly to get f'd once much less twice. (been awhile since i told that one i think i screwed it up :rolleyes:
mike1224
01-30-2006, 08:59 PM
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell h im different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Becky
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell h im different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Becky
SLoe
01-30-2006, 08:59 PM
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a
hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a
hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
SLoe
01-30-2006, 09:00 PM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
> > The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
> Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in
> three days.
> >
> > But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What
> is your first request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
> >
> > Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
> whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
> >
> > Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde
> woman on his back.
> >
> > As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
> Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You
> have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
> days.
> >
> > What is your second request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
> >
> > Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
> horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
> disappears over the horizon.
> >
> > Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
> returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive
> than the blonde.
> >
> > She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
> >
> > "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill
> you tomorrow. What is your last request."
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
> alone."
> >
> > The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
> the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs
> Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen
> carefully, for the last time. I said "BRING POSSE!"
> > The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
> Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in
> three days.
> >
> > But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What
> is your first request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
> >
> > Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
> whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
> >
> > Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde
> woman on his back.
> >
> > As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
> Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You
> have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
> days.
> >
> > What is your second request?"
> >
> > The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
> >
> > Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the
> horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
> disappears over the horizon.
> >
> > Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
> returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive
> than the blonde.
> >
> > She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
> >
> > The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
> >
> > "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill
> you tomorrow. What is your last request."
> >
> > The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,
> alone."
> >
> > The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to
> the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs
> Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen
> carefully, for the last time. I said "BRING POSSE!"
vinnym86
01-30-2006, 09:20 PM
I've done this one before, but here it is again in all its glory:
A blonde and brunette are watching the 10:00 news. The top story focuses on a man who is standing out a window in a skyscraper.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 that he jumps." The blonde quickly takes on the bet.
...The man jumps to his death.
The blonde starts to pull the money out of her pursewhen the brunette is struck with guilt. "I'm sorry, i can't take your money, i already saw this story on the 5:00 news earlier this afternoon." The blonde's reply?
"Oh, so did I, i just didn't think he'd do it again."
A blonde and brunette are watching the 10:00 news. The top story focuses on a man who is standing out a window in a skyscraper.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $50 that he jumps." The blonde quickly takes on the bet.
...The man jumps to his death.
The blonde starts to pull the money out of her pursewhen the brunette is struck with guilt. "I'm sorry, i can't take your money, i already saw this story on the 5:00 news earlier this afternoon." The blonde's reply?
"Oh, so did I, i just didn't think he'd do it again."
SLoe
01-30-2006, 09:42 PM
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would
listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
L-Spec
01-30-2006, 10:05 PM
Aha, that was good loeman, I want a mule now.
SLoe
01-30-2006, 10:11 PM
Aha, that was good loeman, I want a mule now.
I am glad I could amuse you L-spec :smooch:
p.s. I can get you that mule if you want it. I know a guy who knows a guy who.....:grinyes:
I am glad I could amuse you L-spec :smooch:
p.s. I can get you that mule if you want it. I know a guy who knows a guy who.....:grinyes:
drewh4386
01-31-2006, 02:37 AM
2 Blondes walk into a bar............
Sorry it was a classic for the old poster "nicecar"
Sorry it was a classic for the old poster "nicecar"
Loekee75
01-31-2006, 08:26 AM
3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."
FlippiN.af
01-31-2006, 09:31 AM
...
"What’s wrong with me, doc?" says the patient. "My balls have turned blue. You gotta help me."
The doctor examines him and concludes his testicles have to be removed or the man will die.
"Are you nuts?" the patient cries. "I can’t let you do that!"
"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks, and the patient glumly has his testicles removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient is back. "Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but now my penis has turned blue, too." The doctor examines him again but reaches his previous sad conclusion: If the patient wants to live, his penis has to go.
Now the man’s crying. "But how will I pee?"
"We’ll install a plastic pipe," says the doctor. "You don’t want to die, do you?"
The man has his penis removed and everything’s fine, but two weeks later he’s back at the doctor’s office. "Doc, the plastic pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"
"Well, I can’t quite figure it out," admits the doctor. "Wait–do you wear jeans?"
"What’s wrong with me, doc?" says the patient. "My balls have turned blue. You gotta help me."
The doctor examines him and concludes his testicles have to be removed or the man will die.
"Are you nuts?" the patient cries. "I can’t let you do that!"
"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks, and the patient glumly has his testicles removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient is back. "Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but now my penis has turned blue, too." The doctor examines him again but reaches his previous sad conclusion: If the patient wants to live, his penis has to go.
Now the man’s crying. "But how will I pee?"
"We’ll install a plastic pipe," says the doctor. "You don’t want to die, do you?"
The man has his penis removed and everything’s fine, but two weeks later he’s back at the doctor’s office. "Doc, the plastic pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"
"Well, I can’t quite figure it out," admits the doctor. "Wait–do you wear jeans?"
tonioseven
01-31-2006, 09:50 AM
i haven't heard the second one, that one made me laugh, lol
He was abducted by aliens. or circus clowns.
Both. Alien circus clowns:icon16: Hi everyone. I'm still alive; somewhat.:wave:
He was abducted by aliens. or circus clowns.
Both. Alien circus clowns:icon16: Hi everyone. I'm still alive; somewhat.:wave:
clawhammer
01-31-2006, 12:46 PM
3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."
:puke:
:puke:
vinnym86
01-31-2006, 05:40 PM
3 vampires go into a bar
....
"I'm going to make some tea."
aaaaawwwwwwwwooooooooohhhhhhh maaan... c'mon... C'MON!!
::loud exaggerated groan::
....
"I'm going to make some tea."
aaaaawwwwwwwwooooooooohhhhhhh maaan... c'mon... C'MON!!
::loud exaggerated groan::
FlippiN.af
02-01-2006, 01:36 AM
3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."
Thats gotta be the sickest joke I heard in a long time.
Thats gotta be the sickest joke I heard in a long time.
drewh4386
02-01-2006, 06:52 AM
THAT has my vote for the sickest post EVER....!
nissan_240sx
02-01-2006, 07:28 AM
Originally Posted by Loekee75
3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."
sick.
3 vampires go into a bar. The first vampire orders a pint size glass of blood from the bartender. After serving the first vampire, he asks the 2nd what he'll be having. The 2nd vampire replies that he'll have a pitcher of blood with a couple glasses for his buddies. The bartender goes and gets him a pitcher and some more glasses. "What will it be today?" he asks the 3rd vampire. "I'll have a tall glass of hot water", says the 3rd vampire. The bartender looks at the vampire funny and says "umm....alright, then" and gets the glass of water. When he returns, he can't help but ask the vampire why he would want a glass of hot water, and not a refreshing blood drink. The vampire then reaches into his pocket, pulls out an old bloody tampon and replies "I'm going to make some tea."
sick.
drewh4386
02-01-2006, 07:44 AM
:banhim: :D
FlippiN.af
02-01-2006, 09:20 AM
:iceslolan
A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she's so down to which she replies, “My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.”
“What a coincidence!” he said, “My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.”
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have their kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headed towards the door.
“What's going on?” she asks. “I thought you wanted to get kinky?” The man turns to her and says, “Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.”
:rofl:
A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she's so down to which she replies, “My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.”
“What a coincidence!” he said, “My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.”
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have their kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headed towards the door.
“What's going on?” she asks. “I thought you wanted to get kinky?” The man turns to her and says, “Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I’m all done.”
:rofl:
nissan_240sx
02-01-2006, 09:32 AM
hahahah, you made my day. That was good
stoned_pimp420
02-01-2006, 10:28 AM
That's wild as well as wrong on so many levels, that's all I'm gonna say about that one.
twospirits
02-01-2006, 07:37 PM
The Wonderful World of Disney...
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later,
and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by
2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally,
at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to have turned into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince,
Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that
kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other..."
PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto
suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away
enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a Sword to her throat,
said "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
MICKEY MOUSE
Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said, "she's fucking Goofy."
SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Drinking and Flushing
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is
screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates," answers
the drunk man.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
"You IDIOT! You're sitting on the MOP BUCKET!!!"
:lol:
TS out
CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella
agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later,
and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by
2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally,
at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to have turned into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince,
Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that
kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other..."
PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex.
Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto
suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away
enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
RED RIDING HOOD
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a Sword to her throat,
said "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not!
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
MICKEY MOUSE
Micky Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said to
Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said, "she's fucking Goofy."
SNOW WHITE
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him,
knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming,
"Lie to me! Lie to me!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Drinking and Flushing
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is
screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my privates," answers
the drunk man.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
"You IDIOT! You're sitting on the MOP BUCKET!!!"
:lol:
TS out
driftinggrifter2
02-01-2006, 07:59 PM
A boy goes up to his father and tells him that he has an assignment at school which is bringing in your own words the definition of the word “POLITICS”.
The father says to him that he is no expert but he can give him an example that maybe helps him to put together a definition. So he tells him: Let’s pretend our house is a country, so I am the government; your mother is the administration; you are the people; the maid is the working class and your little baby brother is the future. Do you understand?
The boy replies that he would need to think about it and that the next morning they will discuss it.
That night, when everybody is sleeping the baby is crying like maniac and nobody came to his attention. So he goes to see his brother and found out that he had poop all the way up to his neck, and even though the crying was really loud, his mother was sound asleep and saw that his father was not in the bedroom, so he goes to the maid looking for help and saw daddy doing the maid, so he decided he would do nothing, and went back to sleep.
The next day, the father asks the kid if he did get the example he told him, so he can put together the definition of the word “Politics”. The boy tells him as follows: “While the government is fucking the working class, the administration is fast asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
60 is the worst age," said a 60 year old man. "You have to pee, but go to the toilet and nothing ever happens. It is so annoying.” "No, your wrong. 70 is the worst age," said another man. "You have to have a bowel movement, but go to the bathroom but nothing ever happens. It is so frustrating.” "Well, your both wrong, 80 is the worst age of all," said another man.
The 60 year old man asked, " Well, do you pee regularly?"
"Yes," replied the 80 year old man, "I pee every morning at 6:00 am."
The 70 year old man asked, "Well, do you have a regular bowel movement?"
"Yes," answered the 80 year old man, "I have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am"
"Then what is your problem," asked both guys.
The 80 year old man replied," I don't wake up until 7:00 am"
The father says to him that he is no expert but he can give him an example that maybe helps him to put together a definition. So he tells him: Let’s pretend our house is a country, so I am the government; your mother is the administration; you are the people; the maid is the working class and your little baby brother is the future. Do you understand?
The boy replies that he would need to think about it and that the next morning they will discuss it.
That night, when everybody is sleeping the baby is crying like maniac and nobody came to his attention. So he goes to see his brother and found out that he had poop all the way up to his neck, and even though the crying was really loud, his mother was sound asleep and saw that his father was not in the bedroom, so he goes to the maid looking for help and saw daddy doing the maid, so he decided he would do nothing, and went back to sleep.
The next day, the father asks the kid if he did get the example he told him, so he can put together the definition of the word “Politics”. The boy tells him as follows: “While the government is fucking the working class, the administration is fast asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit.
60 is the worst age," said a 60 year old man. "You have to pee, but go to the toilet and nothing ever happens. It is so annoying.” "No, your wrong. 70 is the worst age," said another man. "You have to have a bowel movement, but go to the bathroom but nothing ever happens. It is so frustrating.” "Well, your both wrong, 80 is the worst age of all," said another man.
The 60 year old man asked, " Well, do you pee regularly?"
"Yes," replied the 80 year old man, "I pee every morning at 6:00 am."
The 70 year old man asked, "Well, do you have a regular bowel movement?"
"Yes," answered the 80 year old man, "I have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30 am"
"Then what is your problem," asked both guys.
The 80 year old man replied," I don't wake up until 7:00 am"
driftinggrifter2
02-01-2006, 11:26 PM
Here's one more a friend just told me
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date after being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the farther to sit down, then proceeded to shove his two finger up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the farther blew, the peanut flew out his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said," That's so wonderful ! Isn't he smart ? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older ?"
the father replied "From the smell of his finger, our son in-law
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date after being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the farther to sit down, then proceeded to shove his two finger up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the farther blew, the peanut flew out his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said," That's so wonderful ! Isn't he smart ? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older ?"
the father replied "From the smell of his finger, our son in-law
vinnym86
02-01-2006, 11:58 PM
Monkeys!!
One day me 'n my friends are chillin at this bar when this guy with a monkey on his shoulder comes in. He orders up some bourbon. he's obviously pissed off about something, and doesn't really care that his monkey starts wandering the bar. It just keeps picking up shit and eating it. peanuts, fruits, everything. it was pretty cool, until he got to the pool table, and ate the cue ball. I went to the guy and told him.
i'm like, "shit dude, your monkey just ate the fucking cue ball!" The guy just gave us a stare, got his monkey, paid for the drink, little extra for the cue ball, and left.
About a month later, we see this guy again at the same bar. Monkey was still with him. He had the same order, and was in the same mood. alright, so were just kinda talked and watched the monkey eat more shit. only thing was, it kept picking up the food, putting it up his ass, then eating it. so i asked the guy,
"yo, why is your monkey putting shit up his ass?"
He looked at his monkey, looked at me, and said "He's gotten a habbit of measurin' what he eats."
One day me 'n my friends are chillin at this bar when this guy with a monkey on his shoulder comes in. He orders up some bourbon. he's obviously pissed off about something, and doesn't really care that his monkey starts wandering the bar. It just keeps picking up shit and eating it. peanuts, fruits, everything. it was pretty cool, until he got to the pool table, and ate the cue ball. I went to the guy and told him.
i'm like, "shit dude, your monkey just ate the fucking cue ball!" The guy just gave us a stare, got his monkey, paid for the drink, little extra for the cue ball, and left.
About a month later, we see this guy again at the same bar. Monkey was still with him. He had the same order, and was in the same mood. alright, so were just kinda talked and watched the monkey eat more shit. only thing was, it kept picking up the food, putting it up his ass, then eating it. so i asked the guy,
"yo, why is your monkey putting shit up his ass?"
He looked at his monkey, looked at me, and said "He's gotten a habbit of measurin' what he eats."
nissan_240sx
02-02-2006, 12:04 AM
Here's one more a friend just told me
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date after being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the farther to sit down, then proceeded to shove his two finger up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the farther blew, the peanut flew out his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said," That's so wonderful ! Isn't he smart ? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older ?"
the father replied "From the smell of his finger, our son in-law
thats fucken funny
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date after being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the farther to sit down, then proceeded to shove his two finger up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the farther blew, the peanut flew out his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said," That's so wonderful ! Isn't he smart ? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older ?"
the father replied "From the smell of his finger, our son in-law
thats fucken funny
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
drewh4386
02-02-2006, 02:46 AM
Here's one more a friend just told me
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date after being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the farther to sit down, then proceeded to shove his two finger up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the farther blew, the peanut flew out his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said," That's so wonderful ! Isn't he smart ? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older ?"
the father replied "From the smell of his finger, our son in-law:spit: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date after being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the farther to sit down, then proceeded to shove his two finger up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the farther blew, the peanut flew out his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said," That's so wonderful ! Isn't he smart ? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older ?"
the father replied "From the smell of his finger, our son in-law:spit: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
SLoe
02-02-2006, 05:11 AM
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best Friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called
his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best Friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
stieh2000
02-02-2006, 08:49 AM
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
FlippiN.af
02-02-2006, 09:29 AM
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
:rofl:
Another one:
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
:rofl:
Another one:
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”
clawhammer
02-02-2006, 01:38 PM
The last 3 jokes were hilarious. Keep it up guys.
Here's a blond joke:
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
Here's a blond joke:
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
mike1224
02-02-2006, 02:18 PM
At a recent rally Bob Dole was asked if he wore boxers or briefs.
He replied, 'Depends.'
He replied, 'Depends.'
mike1224
02-02-2006, 02:31 PM
i've seen this one either here or in s-10 forum
Southern Values http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking.
As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, “Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin.” Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep.
Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. “She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!” To which his father replied, “Well son, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!”
Southern Values http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking.
As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, “Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin.” Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep.
Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. “She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!” To which his father replied, “Well son, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!”
mike1224
02-02-2006, 02:31 PM
Bush, Einstein and Picasso http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.
And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"
Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.
When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.
Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."
St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"
Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."
sv650s
02-02-2006, 02:31 PM
The last 3 jokes were hilarious. Keep it up guys.
Here's a blond joke:
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
you bastard!
Here's a blond joke:
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
you bastard!
mike1224
02-02-2006, 02:34 PM
What Is Politics? http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.
--makes sense to me
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.
--makes sense to me
mike1224
02-02-2006, 02:37 PM
Seasick http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of fifty years suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask. "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said ''I've been thinking. There is no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for twelve bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned his wife said, ''You know, since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"
So back to the pharmacy he went, and brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask. "You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over thirty years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"
mike1224
02-02-2006, 02:42 PM
Hair Spray: Can You Dig It? http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
mike1224
02-02-2006, 02:45 PM
you bastard!
hell i gave up after the third link......
hell i gave up after the third link......
drewh4386
02-02-2006, 03:34 PM
The last 3 jokes were hilarious. Keep it up guys.
Here's a blond joke:
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
hmmmmm......no....i didnt like it.
Wheres the joke?........:D
j/k
Here's a blond joke:
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
hmmmmm......no....i didnt like it.
Wheres the joke?........:D
j/k
FlippiN.af
02-02-2006, 04:33 PM
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
driftinggrifter2
02-02-2006, 05:26 PM
hmmmmm......no....i didnt like it.
Wheres the joke?........:D
j/k
It's almost like.....How do you keep a blonde in suspense put you have to do it to blonde for it be funny. They almost always go for it
Wheres the joke?........:D
j/k
It's almost like.....How do you keep a blonde in suspense put you have to do it to blonde for it be funny. They almost always go for it
FlippiN.af
02-03-2006, 10:12 AM
Couple of blond jokes:
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."
"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”
stieh2000
02-03-2006, 03:20 PM
Here's a blond joke:
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
That is by far the longest joke I have ever come across. GOOD GOD!
Now for some jokes of my own:
Now I'm sure you've all heard the joke "what's the difference between a Corvette/other fancy car of choice and a pile of dead babies - I don't have a Corvette in my garage."
Well, whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Camaro?
I only have 1 Camaro.
Now whats the difference between my Camaro and the pile of dead babies?
1) My Camaro fits in my garage
2) My Camaro is only one color.
3) My Camaro doesn't leak any fluids.
4) My Camaro only holds up to 16 gallons of gasoline.
5) You have to stand next to my Camaro to smell the fumes.
6) My Camaro weighs under 2 tons.
7) My Camaro is not for sale.
8) I'm not up all night working on my Camaro.
9) My Camaro was made with some rubber (think about it- rubber)
10) The glass in my camaro isn't little tiny shards.
(I'll add more as I think of them)
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274
That is by far the longest joke I have ever come across. GOOD GOD!
Now for some jokes of my own:
Now I'm sure you've all heard the joke "what's the difference between a Corvette/other fancy car of choice and a pile of dead babies - I don't have a Corvette in my garage."
Well, whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Camaro?
I only have 1 Camaro.
Now whats the difference between my Camaro and the pile of dead babies?
1) My Camaro fits in my garage
2) My Camaro is only one color.
3) My Camaro doesn't leak any fluids.
4) My Camaro only holds up to 16 gallons of gasoline.
5) You have to stand next to my Camaro to smell the fumes.
6) My Camaro weighs under 2 tons.
7) My Camaro is not for sale.
8) I'm not up all night working on my Camaro.
9) My Camaro was made with some rubber (think about it- rubber)
10) The glass in my camaro isn't little tiny shards.
(I'll add more as I think of them)
SLoe
02-03-2006, 04:41 PM
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway
through she leans over and says, " I just let a silent fart. What do
you think I should do?" He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
through she leans over and says, " I just let a silent fart. What do
you think I should do?" He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
Muscletang
02-03-2006, 04:50 PM
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and sprint is already in the U.S.
Because everybody who can run, jump, and sprint is already in the U.S.
SLoe
02-05-2006, 03:03 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their
stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She
shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four
more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their
stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She
shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four
more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last
Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."
FlippiN.af
02-05-2006, 05:39 PM
Three guys are sitting in a bar, all very drunk and bragging about their families.
First guy says, “I’ve got four strong boys, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!”
Second guy says, “That’s nothing. I have eight children, one more and I’ll have a baseball team!”
Third guy says, “You guys have no idea about true happiness! I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
:grinno:
First guy says, “I’ve got four strong boys, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!”
Second guy says, “That’s nothing. I have eight children, one more and I’ll have a baseball team!”
Third guy says, “You guys have no idea about true happiness! I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
:grinno:
drewh4386
02-06-2006, 01:22 AM
Three guys are sitting in a bar, all very drunk and bragging about their families.
First guy says, “I’ve got four strong boys, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!”
Second guy says, “That’s nothing. I have eight children, one more and I’ll have a baseball team!”
Third guy says, “You guys have no idea about true happiness! I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
:grinno:
I bet he is always many strokes over par also....
First guy says, “I’ve got four strong boys, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!”
Second guy says, “That’s nothing. I have eight children, one more and I’ll have a baseball team!”
Third guy says, “You guys have no idea about true happiness! I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
:grinno:
I bet he is always many strokes over par also....
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