Let's start a joke thread
SLoe
02-06-2006, 05:20 AM
Third guy says, “You guys have no idea about true happiness! I’ve got 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course!”
:grinno:
:screwy: ?? 17 wives = true happiness ??:chair: :slap:
:grinno:
:screwy: ?? 17 wives = true happiness ??:chair: :slap:
FlippiN.af
02-06-2006, 01:23 PM
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…" The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"
SLoe
02-06-2006, 04:38 PM
Mayor Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on
Roe vs Wade. He said he didn't care how people got back to their
houses........
Roe vs Wade. He said he didn't care how people got back to their
houses........
SLoe
02-06-2006, 04:49 PM
The House of prostitution
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
FlippiN.af
02-06-2006, 05:04 PM
The House of prostitution
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
:rofl:
Great Joke.
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought..... Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.... On the side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.".
"Very well my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door".............He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:..........
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
:rofl:
Great Joke.
SLoe
02-06-2006, 05:13 PM
danke schon
FlippiN.af
02-07-2006, 10:40 AM
A few jokes:
A doctor is caught having sex with one of his patients, and within minutes the whole hospital is talking about it. Later that day he’s cornered by an administrator, who says, “Rumor has it you had sex with a patient. I demand an explanation.”
“Look,” says the doc. “I’m single. I’m not the first doctor to screw one of his patients, and I won’t be the last. So what’s the big deal?”
“But, Sam, you’re a veterinarian!”
A guy calls in sick to work.
“What’s wrong?” asks the boss.
“I’m sick,” the guy replies.
“You sound all right.”
“No, I’m really sick. Believe me.”
“Listen, you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can’t be that sick!”
“Dude, I just banged my sister. Don’t tell me I’m not sick.”
A doctor enters his examination room to find a beautiful woman waiting in a paper gown. He starts the examination by rubbing her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks.
“Yes, checking for cancer,” she says.
“That’s right,” he says, marveling at her amazing body.
He leans her back on the examination table and starts giving her a gynecological exam. Crazed with desire, and noticing her eyes are closed, he stands up and unzips his pants. The woman doesn’t flinch.
He decides to go for it and puts Tab A in Slot B.
“Do you know what I am doing now?” he asks.
“Yeah, getting gonorrhea. That’s why I’m here.”
A doctor is caught having sex with one of his patients, and within minutes the whole hospital is talking about it. Later that day he’s cornered by an administrator, who says, “Rumor has it you had sex with a patient. I demand an explanation.”
“Look,” says the doc. “I’m single. I’m not the first doctor to screw one of his patients, and I won’t be the last. So what’s the big deal?”
“But, Sam, you’re a veterinarian!”
A guy calls in sick to work.
“What’s wrong?” asks the boss.
“I’m sick,” the guy replies.
“You sound all right.”
“No, I’m really sick. Believe me.”
“Listen, you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can’t be that sick!”
“Dude, I just banged my sister. Don’t tell me I’m not sick.”
A doctor enters his examination room to find a beautiful woman waiting in a paper gown. He starts the examination by rubbing her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asks.
“Yes, checking for cancer,” she says.
“That’s right,” he says, marveling at her amazing body.
He leans her back on the examination table and starts giving her a gynecological exam. Crazed with desire, and noticing her eyes are closed, he stands up and unzips his pants. The woman doesn’t flinch.
He decides to go for it and puts Tab A in Slot B.
“Do you know what I am doing now?” he asks.
“Yeah, getting gonorrhea. That’s why I’m here.”
travis712
02-07-2006, 02:58 PM
Heres a short one:
What does a lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?
I'll see you next month.
:bananasmi
What does a lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?
I'll see you next month.
:bananasmi
Igovert500
02-07-2006, 08:35 PM
A cruise ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic. The only two who make it to the lifeboat are a man and woman he rescued, who has no arms or legs. After days of drifting, without food, starving and dehydrated, the realization that they may die sets in. The woman finally gets the courage to ask the man a favor.
"What can I do for you?" he asks
"Due to my handicap, men are intimidated and I have never recieved much attention from them. In fact I've never even been hugged before. If you wouldn't mind, would you please give me a hug?"
The man obliges and gives her a hug.
Hours later, the woman musters up the courage to ask for another favor.
"Sir, I've never been kissed before, do you think you could give me a kiss?"
"Sure" he replies as he leans in to kiss her.
Finally as teh day finally ends and night begins to fall, the woman realizes she may never see another man again. Not wanting to die a virgin, she talks herself into ask one last favor of the man.
"Excuse me sir, up unto today, I had never been hugged or kissed, and you were nice enough to do both for me. As you can probably guess, there is something else I have never had a man do to me."
Sensing where she is going with this the man, gets up, grabs teh woman and tosses her overboard.
"There you go, now you're fucked"
"What can I do for you?" he asks
"Due to my handicap, men are intimidated and I have never recieved much attention from them. In fact I've never even been hugged before. If you wouldn't mind, would you please give me a hug?"
The man obliges and gives her a hug.
Hours later, the woman musters up the courage to ask for another favor.
"Sir, I've never been kissed before, do you think you could give me a kiss?"
"Sure" he replies as he leans in to kiss her.
Finally as teh day finally ends and night begins to fall, the woman realizes she may never see another man again. Not wanting to die a virgin, she talks herself into ask one last favor of the man.
"Excuse me sir, up unto today, I had never been hugged or kissed, and you were nice enough to do both for me. As you can probably guess, there is something else I have never had a man do to me."
Sensing where she is going with this the man, gets up, grabs teh woman and tosses her overboard.
"There you go, now you're fucked"
FlippiN.af
02-07-2006, 09:09 PM
A cruise ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic. The only two who make it to the lifeboat are a man and woman he rescued, who has no arms or legs. After days of drifting, without food, starving and dehydrated, the realization that they may die sets in. The woman finally gets the courage to ask the man a favor.
"What can I do for you?" he asks
"Due to my handicap, men are intimidated and I have never recieved much attention from them. In fact I've never even been hugged before. If you wouldn't mind, would you please give me a hug?"
The man obliges and gives her a hug.
Hours later, the woman musters up the courage to ask for another favor.
"Sir, I've never been kissed before, do you think you could give me a kiss?"
"Sure" he replies as he leans in to kiss her.
Finally as teh day finally ends and night begins to fall, the woman realizes she may never see another man again. Not wanting to die a virgin, she talks herself into ask one last favor of the man.
"Excuse me sir, up unto today, I had never been hugged or kissed, and you were nice enough to do both for me. As you can probably guess, there is something else I have never had a man do to me."
Sensing where she is going with this the man, gets up, grabs teh woman and tosses her overboard.
"There you go, now you're fucked"
Thats just f***ed. :grinno:
"What can I do for you?" he asks
"Due to my handicap, men are intimidated and I have never recieved much attention from them. In fact I've never even been hugged before. If you wouldn't mind, would you please give me a hug?"
The man obliges and gives her a hug.
Hours later, the woman musters up the courage to ask for another favor.
"Sir, I've never been kissed before, do you think you could give me a kiss?"
"Sure" he replies as he leans in to kiss her.
Finally as teh day finally ends and night begins to fall, the woman realizes she may never see another man again. Not wanting to die a virgin, she talks herself into ask one last favor of the man.
"Excuse me sir, up unto today, I had never been hugged or kissed, and you were nice enough to do both for me. As you can probably guess, there is something else I have never had a man do to me."
Sensing where she is going with this the man, gets up, grabs teh woman and tosses her overboard.
"There you go, now you're fucked"
Thats just f***ed. :grinno:
GForce957
02-07-2006, 10:52 PM
hahaha cruel yet tasteful
FlippiN.af
02-08-2006, 10:54 AM
Q: What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A: A dictator
After a long day at work, a guy decides to go get a couple of drinks before he heads home. Next thing he knows, the bar’s closing and he’s bowel-failingly drunk. When he gets home, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his ass. What’s worse is that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and the broken glass carved up his butt real good.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and he checked himself out in the mirror. What he saw scared the shit out of him and he tried to bandage himself the best he could under the circumstances. After all this, he just wanted to sleep so he crawled into bed.
The next morning, as his head was pounding and his ass was throbbing, he tried to think of a good story for his wife.
“You really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where did you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s funny,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the hell did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
A: A dictator
After a long day at work, a guy decides to go get a couple of drinks before he heads home. Next thing he knows, the bar’s closing and he’s bowel-failingly drunk. When he gets home, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.
Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his ass. What’s worse is that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and the broken glass carved up his butt real good.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood and he checked himself out in the mirror. What he saw scared the shit out of him and he tried to bandage himself the best he could under the circumstances. After all this, he just wanted to sleep so he crawled into bed.
The next morning, as his head was pounding and his ass was throbbing, he tried to think of a good story for his wife.
“You really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where did you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s funny,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the hell did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”
Drifty
02-08-2006, 12:27 PM
ha ha
clawhammer
02-08-2006, 07:01 PM
There are these 2 guys playing golf at a golf course. as they are playing, a another guy catches up with them. instead of waiting for the two guys to be done he asked if he could just join. the two men agreed. after playing for a while. they get to know each other, they start to tell each other their profession. the first guy says he's a dentist, second guy says he's a teacher, and the new guy was a little reluctant to say at 1st but tells them he's a hit man. the two men were little surprised, and asked him to prove it. so he went into his golf bag and pulled out a sniper rifle. they are really impressed and asked if they can see the rifle. the hitman mentions that the rifle scope can see up to 5 miles. so the dentist was really impressed. and used it to look towards his house. as he is looking towards his house with the sniper rifle he see's his wife at his house, but also see's his neighbor. the dentist says, "W.T.F.! my wife is cheating on me with my neighbor!!! she lied to me that b****" he asks the hit man, "how much for a bullet?" he says, "500 dollars a bullet." the dentist reponses, "kinda pricey but i'll pay, i want you to shoot my wife in the mouth for lying to me and shoot my neighbor in the d*** for banging my wife." the hit man gets in the prone position and aims for a good 20 mins. the dentist gets impatient and asks; "whats taking so long?" the hitman respones, "hold up almost there im trying to save you 500 dollars!"
clawhammer
02-08-2006, 07:02 PM
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".
SLoe
02-08-2006, 08:15 PM
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
>
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
>Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except the cowboy boots.
>Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today,
>it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
>
>Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S
>HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
>
>To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a
hat."
always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the
house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
>
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
>Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the room completely naked except the cowboy boots.
>Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today,
>it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
>
>Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S
>HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
>
>To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a
hat."
GForce957
02-08-2006, 08:33 PM
hahaha
Muscletang
02-09-2006, 01:07 AM
(NOTE: I don't hate sorority girls. I have several good friends who are in sororities and they are NOT sluts. I do find these jokes pretty damn funny though.)
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
What's the difference between a telephone booth and a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
FlippiN.af
02-09-2006, 11:30 AM
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I’ll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"
FlippiN.af
02-09-2006, 07:02 PM
A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!" The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas. The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."
"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "The first thing we’re going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."
PWRDbyUNCLEbens
02-09-2006, 10:07 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: These jokes are great
So a boy comes home one day, and tells his mother that he had sex. His mother who is upset with the boy :nono: tells the boy to go into his room, and wait for his father to come home and discipline him.
Time passes, and finally the boy hears his father enter the house. He hears his mom tell his father the story. The father then stomped toward his room and slammed the door behind him :cya: . When his dad enters however a proud grin comes over his sons face, and he greets his son with open arms obviously proud that his son had become a man :) .
Father: "How about I buy you that new bike you wanted son?" :naughty:
To which the boy replies "Not now though dad my butt still hurts" :eek: :gay:
What's worse then 10 dead babies in one trash bag?.... One dead baby in 10 trash bags.
Ten priests are being tested through trials to see if they are "pure" enough to become priests.
They pass all the tests then they finally come to the last one.
A bell is tied to each one the of the priests penises. They are then told that a beautiful women will then come dance in front of each one of them, and if their bells ring they will have failed the tets, and may not become priests.
A gorgeous big-breasted blonde comes out, with nothin on. She proceeds to dance in provocatively in front of the first priest, but nothing happens.
She then danced in front of the second priest in training trying even harder to get the bell to ring.
The trend continues each time with her trying harder, and harder, top get their bells to ring, but to no avail.
She then comes to the last priest, and feeling rather frustrated starts grinding on the man, trying to get a rise. In the process however she knocks his bell off.
The man then bent over to pick up his bell, and all the bells started ring.
So a boy comes home one day, and tells his mother that he had sex. His mother who is upset with the boy :nono: tells the boy to go into his room, and wait for his father to come home and discipline him.
Time passes, and finally the boy hears his father enter the house. He hears his mom tell his father the story. The father then stomped toward his room and slammed the door behind him :cya: . When his dad enters however a proud grin comes over his sons face, and he greets his son with open arms obviously proud that his son had become a man :) .
Father: "How about I buy you that new bike you wanted son?" :naughty:
To which the boy replies "Not now though dad my butt still hurts" :eek: :gay:
What's worse then 10 dead babies in one trash bag?.... One dead baby in 10 trash bags.
Ten priests are being tested through trials to see if they are "pure" enough to become priests.
They pass all the tests then they finally come to the last one.
A bell is tied to each one the of the priests penises. They are then told that a beautiful women will then come dance in front of each one of them, and if their bells ring they will have failed the tets, and may not become priests.
A gorgeous big-breasted blonde comes out, with nothin on. She proceeds to dance in provocatively in front of the first priest, but nothing happens.
She then danced in front of the second priest in training trying even harder to get the bell to ring.
The trend continues each time with her trying harder, and harder, top get their bells to ring, but to no avail.
She then comes to the last priest, and feeling rather frustrated starts grinding on the man, trying to get a rise. In the process however she knocks his bell off.
The man then bent over to pick up his bell, and all the bells started ring.
FlippiN.af
02-09-2006, 10:53 PM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: These jokes are great
So a boy comes home one day, and tells his mother that he had sex. His mother who is upset with the boy :nono: tells the boy to go into his room, and wait for his father to come home and discipline him.
Time passes, and finally the boy hears his father enter the house. He hears his mom tell his father the story. The father then stomped toward his room and slammed the door behind him :cya: . When his dad enters however a proud grin comes over his sons face, and he greets his son with open arms obviously proud that his son had become a man :) .
Father: "How about I buy you that new bike you wanted son?" :naughty:
To which the boy replies "Not now though dad my butt still hurts" :eek: :gay:
I love this joke. Just great. :evillol:
So a boy comes home one day, and tells his mother that he had sex. His mother who is upset with the boy :nono: tells the boy to go into his room, and wait for his father to come home and discipline him.
Time passes, and finally the boy hears his father enter the house. He hears his mom tell his father the story. The father then stomped toward his room and slammed the door behind him :cya: . When his dad enters however a proud grin comes over his sons face, and he greets his son with open arms obviously proud that his son had become a man :) .
Father: "How about I buy you that new bike you wanted son?" :naughty:
To which the boy replies "Not now though dad my butt still hurts" :eek: :gay:
I love this joke. Just great. :evillol:
clawhammer
02-10-2006, 10:54 AM
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and, of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."
GForce957
02-10-2006, 11:46 AM
hahahah, that was great clawhammer
XeVeNskyLiNE
02-10-2006, 12:45 PM
Found this little jewel in the Eclipse forums. Stupid fast.
http://videos.streetfire.net/search/the+fast+and+the+furious/0/B998C08E-B301-4454-B647-710281CC06F3.htm
http://videos.streetfire.net/search/the+fast+and+the+furious/0/B998C08E-B301-4454-B647-710281CC06F3.htm
FlippiN.af
02-10-2006, 01:35 PM
A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
:grinyes:
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
:grinyes:
Damien
02-11-2006, 02:51 PM
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
FlippiN.af
02-11-2006, 04:24 PM
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
I've seen this joke somewhere, just can't remember.
Still funny.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
I've seen this joke somewhere, just can't remember.
Still funny.
FlippiN.af
02-11-2006, 05:12 PM
Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.” The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.” The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
SLoe
02-11-2006, 11:56 PM
> > A Blonde Guy Gets Home Early From Work And Hears
> > Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom. He Rushes
> > Upstairs To Find His Wife Naked On The Bed, Sweating
> > And Panting. "what's Up?" He Says.
> > "i'm Having A Heart Attack," Cries The Woman.
> > He Rushes Downstairs To Grab The Phone, But Just As
> > He's Dialing, His 4-year-old Son Comes Up And Says
> > "daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ned's Hiding In Your Closet And
> > He's Got No Clothes On!" The Guy Slams The Phone Down
> > And Storms Upstairs Into The Bedroom, Past His
> > Screaming Wife, And Rips Open The Wardrobe Door. Sure
> > Enough, There Is His Brother, Totally Naked, Cowering
> > On The Closet Floor. "you Rotten S. O. B. ," Says The
> > Husband, "my Wife's Having A Heart
>attack And You're
> > Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids!"
> > Strange Noises Coming From The Bedroom. He Rushes
> > Upstairs To Find His Wife Naked On The Bed, Sweating
> > And Panting. "what's Up?" He Says.
> > "i'm Having A Heart Attack," Cries The Woman.
> > He Rushes Downstairs To Grab The Phone, But Just As
> > He's Dialing, His 4-year-old Son Comes Up And Says
> > "daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ned's Hiding In Your Closet And
> > He's Got No Clothes On!" The Guy Slams The Phone Down
> > And Storms Upstairs Into The Bedroom, Past His
> > Screaming Wife, And Rips Open The Wardrobe Door. Sure
> > Enough, There Is His Brother, Totally Naked, Cowering
> > On The Closet Floor. "you Rotten S. O. B. ," Says The
> > Husband, "my Wife's Having A Heart
>attack And You're
> > Running Around Naked Scaring The Kids!"
Muscletang
02-12-2006, 12:00 AM
Q: How do you know if a girl from Arkansas is a virgin?
A: If she can run faster than her brothers.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits.
A: If she can run faster than her brothers.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits.
FlippiN.af
02-13-2006, 02:34 PM
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her "pay" to the bank to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" To which the little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock…"
clawhammer
02-13-2006, 03:28 PM
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her "pay" to the bank to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" To which the little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock…"
I laughed at that one.
I laughed at that one.
FlippiN.af
02-14-2006, 02:09 PM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!”
“This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
-Jacko-
02-14-2006, 02:23 PM
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?:naughty:
Because it was dead!:rofl: :rofl:
Because it was dead!:rofl: :rofl:
mike1224
02-14-2006, 03:48 PM
heres a flash animation about a boring office job. Most of these things I'd do if I were working in an office. The phone thing I used to do while as a checker. http://funny-pictures.com/ecards/dontdothat/?cardurl=office.html&title=Boring%20office
edit: sorry forgot to paste link. Damn alzheimers.
edit: sorry forgot to paste link. Damn alzheimers.
mike1224
02-14-2006, 03:59 PM
FlippiN.af
02-14-2006, 04:24 PM
fun at the airport
http://funny-pictures.com/ecards/dontdothat/?cardurl=airport.html&title=Fun%20at%20the%20Airport
Those are funny. :grinyes:
http://funny-pictures.com/ecards/dontdothat/?cardurl=airport.html&title=Fun%20at%20the%20Airport
Those are funny. :grinyes:
fredjacksonsan
02-15-2006, 08:23 AM
THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing
dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing
dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
nissan_240sx
02-15-2006, 08:32 AM
^
:lol:
:lol:
mike1224
02-15-2006, 09:03 AM
^
LOL :rofl::rofl::rofl:
LOL :rofl::rofl::rofl:
FlippiN.af
02-15-2006, 11:30 AM
THE BLIND WAL-MART CLERK
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing
dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol: :lol: :lol: :grinyes: :grinyes: :grinno: :grinno: :icon16:
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing
dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol: :lol: :lol: :grinyes: :grinyes: :grinno: :grinno: :icon16:
FlippiN.af
02-15-2006, 02:00 PM
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just ice cream.“
mike1224
02-15-2006, 02:09 PM
ORRT ORRRT ORRRTTT ..... lol
nicecar
02-15-2006, 02:18 PM
2 Blondes walk into a bar............
Sorry it was a classic for the old poster "nicecar"
hey its not my fault
Sorry it was a classic for the old poster "nicecar"
hey its not my fault
allworld
02-15-2006, 02:39 PM
New Cowboy boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies...
"Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."
An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies...
"Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."
FlippiN.af
02-15-2006, 02:47 PM
New Cowboy boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies...
"Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."
Got to tell you that this joke has been posted already.
Its still funny. :grinyes:
An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are in. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Charles yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Margaret replies...
"Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."
Got to tell you that this joke has been posted already.
Its still funny. :grinyes:
blacksol28
02-15-2006, 07:32 PM
A man and his neighbor are sitting on the porch together watching his dog play in the lawn. The dog stops and licks his balls. "I wish I could do that." Says the man, to which his neighbor replies. "It's your dog, do whatever you want."
Muscletang
02-16-2006, 01:18 AM
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
Damien
02-16-2006, 01:46 AM
^old, but classic! love 'em!!! and i work at Home Depot!
xavier3jr
02-16-2006, 02:32 AM
lmao!
FlippiN.af
02-16-2006, 03:11 PM
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.
Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”
“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.
Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”
“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”
Muscletang
02-16-2006, 03:35 PM
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
-----------------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
----------------------------------------------------------
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
-----------------------------------------------------------
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
----------------------------------------------------------
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Bobby56
02-16-2006, 03:46 PM
Superman has always had a thing for Superwoman. One day he's flying over her house and looks down. She's lying on her deck, completely naked with her arms and legs spread. Figuring he might not ever get another chance like this one he flies down and super-bangs her and flies off again. Superwoman is dazed for a minute then says "What the hell was that"? "I don't know, says the Invisible Man, but my a** sure hurts".
stieh2000
02-16-2006, 06:43 PM
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Thats not that funny... it's just common sense!:naughty:
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Thats not that funny... it's just common sense!:naughty:
fredjacksonsan
02-17-2006, 07:49 AM
> HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT
> in January 2009
>
> Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
> First night in the White House. She has waited so long..........
>
>
> The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
> "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
> "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
>
>
> The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
> Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
> "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
>
>
>
> On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
> Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>
>
>
> Lincoln says,
>
> "Go to the theater."
> in January 2009
>
> Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her
> First night in the White House. She has waited so long..........
>
>
> The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,
> "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
> "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
>
>
> The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...
> Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>
> Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
> "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
>
>
>
> On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...
> Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
>
>
>
> Lincoln says,
>
> "Go to the theater."
nissan_240sx
02-17-2006, 08:12 AM
Superman has always had a thing for Superwoman. One day he's flying over her house and looks down. She's lying on her deck, completely naked with her arms and legs spread. Figuring he might not ever get another chance like this one he flies down and super-bangs her and flies off again. Superwoman is dazed for a minute then says "What the hell was that"? "I don't know, says the Invisible Man, but my a** sure hurts".
I remember hearing this when I was in grade school lol
I remember hearing this when I was in grade school lol
FlippiN.af
02-17-2006, 09:40 AM
While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, “Jesus is watching you.” To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard.
The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”
The parrot says, “Moses.”
The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”
The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”
The burglar asks the parrot, “What’s your name?”
The parrot says, “Moses.”
The burglar goes on to ask, “What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?”
The parrot replies, “The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus.”
fredjacksonsan
02-17-2006, 09:48 AM
:rofl:
:thumbsup:
:thumbsup:
SLoe
02-18-2006, 10:32 AM
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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