Let's start a joke thread

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
That ones the funniest. :rofl:

:lol: :lol:
A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
:lol: :lol:

Heres a funny one:
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

hahah

A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cashbox and closes it. "Excuse me, but where’s my change?" asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

:lol:

TS out

This post is arbitrary.

It made me smile

okay....i deleted it

A Texas businessman is in town to meet with a large Japanese corporation. The meeting is set for a golf course the next day, so that night, the Texan decides to get some entertainment in the form of a hooker. Considering his meeting, he selects a Japanese hooker.

While they are having sex, she keeps screaming, “Ding Wa! Ding Wa!” Thinking that this must mean “great” or “awesome,” he prepares to use it to impress his business associates.

So the next day, while golfing, one of the Japanese men tees it up and gets a hole in one! The Texan looks at him and says, “Ding Wa!”

The Japanese man looks up curiously and asks, “What do you mean "wrong hole?"

hahahh stuff so funny

A couple is on their honeymoon and the new bride tells her husband to be gentle because she is a virgin. Shocked, the groom says, “but you’ve been married three times before.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but my first husband was a psychologist and only wanted to talk about it, my second husband was a gynecologist and only wanted to look at it, and my third husband was a stamp collector and only wanted to…God, I miss him.”

After a moment of silence, she then turns to her newest husband and says, “And since you’re an attorney I know I’m going to get f***ed.”

^heard it many times, but it never gets old! :lol:

One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.

“We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon.”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “Well, you found her.” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the hooker, “I just thought you might like to open those beers first.”
:grinyes:

I never read through all of the posts but i'll give it a try. Hopefully this ones hasn't been said.

An elephant walks up to a camel and says, "Now i've seen it all, you seem to have breasts on your back." The camel replied, "thats funny coming from someone who has there d**k attatched to there face."

It was funny the first time I heard it.

I never read through all of the posts but i'll give it a try. Hopefully this ones hasn't been said.

An elephant walks up to a camel and says, "Now i've seen it all, you seem to have breasts on your back." The camel replied, "thats funny coming from someone who has there d**k attatched to there face."

It was funny the first time I heard it.

Hehehe......



I'm sorry but thats all I could get out. :p

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner. “You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!”
The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, “Did you do what I told you to do?”
“Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!” she shouts.
The owner, looking confused, replies, “It’s a perfectly trained frog. I can’t understand what’s wrong.”
He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.
“What?” she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, “Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I’m showing you this!”
:evillol:

i saw this joke today and started laughing and everyone just looked at me like i was stupid...
A man goes to church to pray for his gambling addiction to be cured. God answers his prayers, but says he must gamble one more time, and whatever he wins, he must give half to the church.
The man agrees and heads to the nearest casino.
He sits down at the blackjack table.
He gets a 2 and a 5. He has 7.
"What should I do God?" He asks.
"Take a hit." God replies.
The man takes a hit, he gets a 5, he has 12.
"What should I do God?" He asks.
"Take a hit." God replies.
He takes another hit, he gets a 4. He has 16.
"What should I do God?" He asks.
"Take a hit." God replies.
He takes another hit, a 3. He has 19.
"What should I do God?" He asks.
"Take a hit." God replies.
The man takes another hit, he gets an Ace! 20!
"What should I do God?" He asks.
"Take a hit." God replies.
The man takes another hit, ANOTHER ACE! He has 21!!
At this point Gods screaming "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"

I don't get that last one.

A couple of jokes:
A man wearing a stovepipe hat, a fake beard, and a waistcoat sits down at a bar and orders a drink.

“Goin’ to a party?” the bartender asks.

“Yeah,” the man replies, “I’m supposed to go dressed as my love life.”

“But you look like Abe Lincoln.”

“That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.”
__________________________________________________ _
A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.

The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on.

“Listening to music,” the guy says.

Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?”

“Reading a magazine, of course.”

“How old are you?” asks the officer.

“I’m 28.”

“And how old is she?”

The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

It’s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date’s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

“Have a seat,” the old man says. “Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.” The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. “You know,” the dad says, “my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.” He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. “Yup, yup,” the dad continues. “She loves that screwing. Just can’t get enough of it.”

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. “Damn it, Daddy!” she screams. “The twist! It’s called the twist!”

^Don't get that one either.

^Don't get that one either.
You seriously don't get it. The dad got the dance the "twist" mixed-up w/ the word "screw." The boy & the girl went outside to the car, and I guess since he thought she liked to "screw", he made a move on her. The girl comes back inside mad and tells her dad its "twist."

I finally realize this joke isn't written out well enough to be understood (Gotten) So w/e.

Got it, a little weak, but i got it. :rolleyes:

I didn't know that twist was a dance.

I didn't know that twist was a dance.dude, ask your parents...... thats how old this dance is.

Five surgeons are discussing the best kinds of patients on whom to operate...­

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountant­s on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."­

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricia­ns. Everything inside them is color-code­d."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetic­al order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like constructi­on workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes, "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchang­eable."

^:lol: Nice one..

A Few Jokes
A man takes his stepdaughter to the free clinic. He tells the doctor, "My stepdaughter needs to be on birth control." The doctor replies, "Is she sexually active?" To which the man replies, "Hell no! She just lies there like her mother."
__________________________________________________ ________________
After a long day at work, a man realized it was his anniversary. He raced to Victoria's Secret and asked for the sheerest thing they had. He purchased the nightgown for $400 and raced home. He ran inside and told his wife, "Go upstairs and put this on." She went upstairs and opened her gift. She lifted the gown out and was stunned that it was transparent. She figured it would be just as good to just walk downstairs naked because her husband wouldn't even notice, and she could return the gown for a refund in the morning. As she walked down the stairs, the husband exclaimed, "Damn—for $400, you'd think they'd at least iron the damn thing!"
__________________________________________________ ________________
A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams.

“I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!”

“Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells.

“See? You sound just like her.”
__________________________________________________ _______________
:grinno:

A man takes his stepdaughter to the free clinic. He tells the doctor, "My stepdaughter needs to be on birth control." The doctor replies, "Is she sexually active?" To which the man replies, "Hell no! She just lies there like her mother."

that one caught me so offguard, i just stood there with my jaw dropped, lol

second one was almost as good, but the third one was ok.

What was Elvis Presley's last words?

"Corn?"

Sorry if any of these are repost, I lost track of the thread.
GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old b! oy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Sorry if any of these are repost, I lost track of the thread.
GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old b! oy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.Good ones. I had only heard the last one, but funny. :lol:

>A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
>severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to
donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the
doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.After all, this was
a very delicate matter.
>
>After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he
was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
>
>"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kisses you on the cheek.

^Ha ha..pretty funny. Nice one. :lol:

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he just would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Here is the oldest and lamest joke I can come up with.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks why the long face. *Runs from the mob of people trying to kill me for ruining the thread.*

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00. He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.":lol:

^now that had me laughing. the rest before :disappoin

Heres a sick joke:
Two bums are walking along the side of a road early one morning, complaining about their empty stomachs. The night before they
had spent every dime they had on whiskey, so naturally they had no money for breakfast. By and by they come upon a flattened possum lying dead on the roadside. The first bum says to the second, "I'll split it with ya."

The second politely refuses, so the first bum eats the entire thing by himself. An hour or so later, as they are walking, the first bum starts turning green. He gags for a few minutes and then spews the possum remains all over the road.

The second bum smiles and says, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd get a hot meal."

can't steal any jokes from the net right now so i'll just use one of my corny ones. what's the difference between a 600hp supra and a 1000hp supra? nothing they both run 12's