quickie joke.

of course not :icesangel

More bad jokes.

Why did the husband use a condom during sex last night?


Because his wife said her car broke down on the other side of town and she made it back with no problem.

here's a bad one, but it takes some a long time to get, it's ment as a verbal joke but here goes:

two termites walk into a bar and ask, "where's the bartender"?



















if you don't get it, focus on "bartender"

bars aren't tender?

bars aren't tender?

That's the point. They're asking where it's tender at. Cause they're termites! Come on now? Please tell me that explanation was unnecessary.

that's really kinda dumb.
If you want a joke to gross people out read this one
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?






pick him up and suck his dick

What the hell?! lmao whatever works for you..:uhoh:lol

I was going to be sick and add a couple of links, but I'll just save the mods the trouble of removing them.

I remember this one from a long time ago. I will try to tell it the best I can. It is actually good!

A wife is cheating on her husband but little did she know that her husband was coming home early for work. So she hid the man in the closet the son was in the closet also, afraid to come out because of what mommy was doing. THe boy goes "phew, it dark in here." The man says "shhhhh." I'm gonna tell! the man says nooo! DONT! The boy says "I have a baseball bat, want to buy it?" The man agrees as long as the boy says quiet. "100 bucks?" the boy asks. Agreed.

Day 2
A wife is cheating on her husband but little did she know that her husband was coming home early for work. So she hid the man in the closet the son was in the closet also, afraid to come out because of what mommy was doing. The boy goes "phew, it dark in here." The man says "shhhhh." I'm gonna tell! the man says nooo! DONT! The boy says "I have a baseball, want to buy it?" The man agrees as long as the boy says quiet. "50 bucks?" the boy asks. Agreed.

Day 3
A wife is cheating on her husband but little did she know that her husband was coming home early for work. So she hid the man in the closet the son was in the closet also, afraid to come out because of what mommy was doing. THe boy goes "phew, it dark in here." The man says "shhhhh." I'm gonna tell! the man says nooo! DONT! The boy says "I have a baseball glove, want to buy it?" The man agrees as long as the boy says quiet. "100 bucks?" the boy asks.



Day 4
The Dad comes home on time and asks his son if he wants to play baseball. The said he can't because he sold the ball, bat, and glove for money.
The dad goes really? How much?
The boy said "200 bucks!"
The dad said what?!?! that was worth waaay more than that. The stuff was signed by the league all-star.
For your wrong doings, I'm sending you to church.

So the boy goes to church.
Inside the confession room he states "phew its dark in here."

the man goes, "DONT start that shit again."



:rofl:

[QUOTE=spaminator]that's really kinda dumb.


I said it was bad. If you tell it to someone, a lot of people wait assuming that there is more to the joke and they just do not get it...

**Warning** lauging at the following bad joke might damn your soul to hell!!

What is the diffrence between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?






You can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.:disappoin

YOUR GOING TOOOO HELL and NEVER COMING BACK!!!!111!!!!11(n00b)


j/k

no the real question is why move them with a pitchfork?





to find the ones that are still alive.

NO YOUR GOING TO Hell and hells hell

no i am after this joke

How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?





nail it's other hand to the floor

Since everybody on here has something about telling really nasty jokes does everybody want me to throw mine in?

go right ahead

go right ahead

On second thought I won't.

On second thought I won't.

Oh no, you can't just say "I've got a dirty joke," and then not post.

2 women walk into a bar.
you would have thought one of them would have seen it!!11!!!!!11!!111!! (n00b)

ha ha ah ha taht wsa a godo jkoe.

No really

why did the car goe to the gas station?



be it needed stationed gas. :disappointed:

Oh no, you can't just say "I've got a dirty joke," and then not post.

Dirty? No. Sick? Yes

Besides, what little of a good reputation I have on here I'd like to keep.

You want a sick bad joke? I have plenty of those.

Dirty? No. Sick? Yes

Besides, what little of a good reputation I have on here I'd like to keep.

I'm dying in crappy jokes. You better post it. Like you care about reps.

Like you care about reps.

True. I could care less what you people think.

Don't anybody say I didn't warn you.

Two gay guys were on a sofa having sex. The guy in the back said he had to go to the bathroom and not for his partner to cum without him. So the guy goes to the bathroom and comes back out. He sees cum all over the sofa, walls, floor, ect. He yells, "I thought I told you not to cum without me!?!" The guy answers, "I didn't, I farted."

---------------------------

Two guys were camping out in the woods for a couple of weeks together and after a couple of days they were getting pissed at each other. Finally they decided they would go hiking for a day to get away from each other. One said he'd go east and the other would go west. The next day they headed out and that night they came back to camp and talked about their day.
The guy who went east said he came across a lake and he went swimming and got a nice tan as he rested on the sandy shore.
The guy who went west talked how he found a girl on a rail road track tied up and how he freed her. He said they had sex in every way you could imagine and it was awesome.
The guy who went east said, "wow! sounds like your day was much better than mine. so how was 69 with her?"
The guy replied, "don't know, couldn't find her head."

---------------------------

A trucker was in a small town for a few days and really needed some. He went to a local bar and asked what girl was the best lay for the cheapest. The bartender said, "on the corner of main street is a 60 year old lady. she's old but she's the best money can buy."
The truck goes and gets her and they go to a hotel room. They start but the trucker doesn't find it all that great. He tells the woman and she goes into the bathroom. She's in there for 5, then 10, then 20, and finally 30 minutes before she comes back out and is finished.
The trucker was speechless as it was the best sex ever. He tells the woman, "that was the greatest ever, I must know why were you in the bathroom so long and how do you do it?"
The woman replies, "I was just scartching some blisters until they busted."

I've heard all of those.

baaaaaaaaaarrrrrffffffff :uke:

hahahahahaha, those weren't that bad.

hahahahahaha, those weren't that bad.

I don't see how they couldn't be. I felt myself getting sick at my stomach as I typed them.

I have one.
"if you were to go camping and when you woke up the next morning and your ass/pussy (for girl or guy joke) was sore like you were raped, would you tell someone?"

somebody answer the question.

This guy wants to have sex with a hundred dollar whore. But the rules of the whorehouse say that you have to go from the 25 50 75 then the 100 dollar whore. The guy says alright and gets on it. with 25 dollar whore the sex is alright but he get's hungry when he's done and goes into the kitchen and grabs a tomato out of the fridge-being the only thing in there- and eats it. He turns around and the whore slaps the shit out of him. he's like WTF but goes on. And this keeps happening until he gets to the $100 whore and the sex is just great. After many hours he's hungry and finishes off the rest of the tomatos. The whores gang up on him and beat the shit out of him. He gets up and asks the 100 whore and says "WTF I'm hungry after sex and the only thing you have in the fridge is tomatos."
and the whore says "those weren't tomatos those were last weeks abortions"

yes i would tell everybody.

Oh yeah
why did the man give the stripper $100 in monopoly money?




fake money for fake boobs. :lol: not really


now answer my question above.

This guy wants to have sex with a hundred dollar whore. But the rules of the whorehouse say that you have to go from the 25 50 75 then the 100 dollar whore. The guy says alright and gets on it. with 25 dollar whore the sex is alright but he get's hungry when he's done and goes into the kitchen and grabs a tomato out of the fridge-being the only thing in there- and eats it. He turns around and the whore slaps the shit out of him. he's like WTF but goes on. And this keeps happening until he gets to the $100 whore and the sex is just great. After many hours he's hungry and finishes off the rest of the tomatos. The whores gang up on him and beat the shit out of him. He gets up and asks the 100 whore and says "WTF I'm hungry after sex and the only thing you have in the fridge is tomatos."
and the whore says "those weren't tomatos those were last weeks abortions"

:disappoin Get some help man.

yes i would tell everybody.Dammmm you!!!

I need another answer

i did and it didn't work

I have one.
"if you were to go camping and when you woke up the next morning and your ass/pussy (for girl or guy joke) was sore like you were raped, would you tell someone?"

somebody answer the question.

i've heard that.

"No."
"Wanna go camping?"

why do you want to go camping

why did the baby cross the road?






it was stapled to the chicken

Does Anybody want to go camping with me?? Please?!?!!!11!(n00b) lol...

only if there's plenty of KY

"Wanna go camping?"

If you really want to, sure.


What do you do to an elephant with 3 balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

How do you kill an Indian chief?
You hide his food stamps in his work boots.

Did you hear that Ellen died?
She was found face down in Rikki Lake.

.

Did you hear that Ellen died?
She was found face down in Rikki Lake.

you sure that wasn't "deepthroat?" :lol:

This joke is kind of long, but it's funny.

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

This joke is kind of long, but it's funny.

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

:lol: :rofl: :lol:

I've heard it before but I die every single time I hear it.

:lol: :rofl: :lol:

I've heard it before but I die every single time I hear it.

Me too. I think that ranks up there as my favorite joke.

A man was eating dinner by himself at a very nice restaurant. All of a sudden a very hot, sexy red head sat down at the table beside him. He wanted to talk to her but he was very shy and couldn't find the courage to do so.

All of a sudden the red head sneezed and her eye came flying out because it was glass and flew through the air. The guy was able to catch it in mid-air. The woman came over and thanked the man and said "I'm sorry" over and over.

The woman offered to pay for the man's dinner and asked him to eat with her. They ate dinner together and had a good conversation. The woman then asked the man if he wanted to go to the movies. She was sorry for the eye thing and wanted to make things up for him.

So the man and the woman go to the movies and she buys him pop, popcorn, and his way in. They enjoy the movie and she takes him to the bar where she buys him a drink. She said she's just so sorry about the evening and would like to take the man home for the night.

The guy goes home with the girl and he has a very "nice" evening with her. He wakes up the next morning and she has made him breakfast in bed. The man says, "gosh, do you treat all your dates like this?"

The woman says, "No, you just happen to catch my eye."

A man was eating dinner by himself at a very nice restaurant. All of a sudden a very hot, sexy red head sat down at the table beside him. He wanted to talk to her but he was very shy and couldn't find the courage to do so.

All of a sudden the red head sneezed and her eye came flying out because it was glass and flew through the air. The guy was able to catch it in mid-air. The woman came over and thanked the man and said "I'm sorry" over and over.

The woman offered to pay for the man's dinner and asked him to eat with her. They ate dinner together and had a good conversation. The woman then asked the man if he wanted to go to the movies. She was sorry for the eye thing and wanted to make things up for him.

So the man and the woman go to the movies and she buys him pop, popcorn, and his way in. They enjoy the movie and she takes him to the bar where she buys him a drink. She said she's just so sorry about the evening and would like to take the man home for the night.

The guy goes home with the girl and he has a very "nice" evening with her. He wakes up the next morning and she has made him breakfast in bed. The man says, "gosh, do you treat all your dates like this?"

The woman says, "No, you just happen to catch my eye."


Ah...that's my 2nd favorite. I got that in a chain e-mail a couple years ago. I love it.

I know its not that good but still

Whats the diffrence between a motor bike and a gurl?

With the motor bike you first "kick" and then take a ride
With the gurl you first take a ride then "kick"

Yeah, I'm going to hell for this one.



Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."

"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"

"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit.

'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"

"You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"

"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"

"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

Hahaha. Yeah, I think you're condemned after that one.

Yes, to hell you go.

goto hell

What do you do if your dishwasher quits working?

Smack her and tell her to get back to the kitchen. :p :disappoin

You going to jail

A doctor says to his patient Todd, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is you're showing signs of being a homosexual."
"With bad news like that, what could be the good news?" Thomas asks.

"The good news is I think you're cute."

---------------------------------------

Yeah I'm really going to hell for this one.



A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

-----------------------------------------

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

What do you do if your dishwasher quits working?

Smack her and tell her to get back to the kitchen. :p :disappoin

Haha, I think I'm a disgrace to women everywhere, I laugh at things I shouldn't laugh at.

-----------------------------------------

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

wrong hole my ass (pun) :p
It was the right hole. :lol:

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

haha this is my fav

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

------------------------------------------

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety.
The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "No, I think I can stand over the hole."

So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse,
you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!



Thank you I'll be here all night!

That first one was nasty as hell.

the second one was weird :lol: :sly: