A DAMN FUNNY Story

[SleeperCivic]

I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3
cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's stock,
alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro
around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds and 18-wheelers by
surprise...

I was headed back from Baskin Robbins with my manly triple-latte cappuccino
blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a
streetlight. As the Metro throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my
bold beverage and wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding
my own business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane.

I turned, made eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition.
Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires, curb
feelers, and schoolbus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.

The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the
driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on my
driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be fast,
and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the sound of
seven screaming cylinders...

Then the light turned... I almost had him out of the hole, my three
pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as
smoke pouring from my front right tire... my unlimited slip differential
was letting me down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout
gaining, and I heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right
front wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as
his .7 extra liters of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot gamely in
it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on in the one-gauge
(no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a glimpse of chrome under his
bumper, and knew the ugly truth... He was running a custom exhaust --
probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust ... maybe event cutouts! Damn his hot-rod
soul! The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our
boy-racer direction...

Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping pistons singing a heady
high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though only a few handfuls of seconds
had passed, we were nearing the crosswalk at the other side of the
intersection, and I heard the note of his engine change as he made his
shift to second, and I saw his grin in his rearview mirror fade as he
missed the shift! I rocketed by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in
to keep from bogging, keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead,
now trailing a cloud of stinking clutch smoke. Not ready to give up so
easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and I heard one wheel *almost*
chirp as he finally found second and dropped the clutch. We careened over
the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us,
but intent on the race as we were, neither of us batted an eye.

He pulled slowly abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to
third, the scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot
circle. He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front
of me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6"
chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he lifted
a little to take the next corner.

I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty
steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried in
carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly to the
left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping turn. I felt
the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the right rear wheel
slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because my drive wheels, up
front, were pulling me through the corner, and around the Festiva ... The
Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my wife's car eased past him on the
outside, my P165/54R13's screaming in protest, as we raced to the next
light. We coasted down, neck-and neck, to the red light. I tightened my
driving gloves, ready for another round, when this WIMP in the next car
meekly flipped his turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority
reigns!!!

I drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility, looking
for other unwitting targets.... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even a Volkswagon
Van!

[Melt]

hahaha!!!! damn man, thats the funniest shit ive read in a while!!

"my unlimited slip differential was letting me down!"

oh man, I cant stop laughing. :hehe:

[b16a3sol]

i havent seen that one in a while, and its still badass.

[Redrum240sx]

[Melt]

haha tell that to my friend with an 03 base corolla, he thinks its the tightest shit in the world and he ran a 16.9, and its an auto!! stock!! what a piece, and he thinks he can beat me ... im pretty sure I can run mid 16's.

[Milliardo]

Anyone know how the two cars are stock? Am not familiar with them, since they're not available here. What I did note was that the Ford driver probably made the mistake of shifting to fourth at only 30 mph. The1993 Honda Civic ESi, which is my car, has to get to around 80 kph (well above 30 mph) before shifting to fourth. Shift below that, and you actually lose power. If the Metro is made for city driving (more torque, but less power), then it would have had the advantage even at lower gears, actually easily easing into fourth at such a low speed against a car that would require higher speed before going to a higher gear. In other words, it came down to driver ability, not exactly the car's ability.

[Redrum240sx]

i think the festiva has like a 1.3 liter engine

[KrNxRaCer00]

hahaha...manly drink...hahaha...sunglasses, racing gloves...u gotta love it...needed that laugh sleeper...thx, great story.

[Spade]

I thought most of it was hilarious man. I especially like these parts:

"but it pushes the barely 2000 pounds of metro
around with AUTHORITY"

"my three pounding cylinders thrusting me at least a millimeter back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my front right tire..."

"We careened over the crosswalk, now going at least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us,"



It was all good LOL. Thx for the Laugh...

[shepworldwide]

Originally posted by Melt
hahaha!!!! damn man, thats the funniest shit ive read in a while!!

"my unlimited slip differential was letting me down!"

oh man, I cant stop laughing. :hehe:

[Emilio]

What I did note was that the Ford driver probably made the mistake of shifting to fourth at only 30 mph. The1993 Honda Civic ESi, which is my car, has to get to around 80 kph (well above 30 mph) before shifting to fourth. Shift below that, and you actually lose power. If the Metro is made for city driving (more torque, but less power), then it would have had the advantage even at lower gears, actually easily easing into fourth at such a low speed against a car that would require higher speed before going to a higher gear. In other words, it came down to driver ability, not exactly the car's ability

Man, u got no sense of humour. DUH, u think all this sh1t we don't know? u miss the point of the story pal, its making fun of the ford and the geo and how some people pu big a$$ exhausts and still go slower than a bus.... its called exageration, do u really think they shifted into 4th at 30mph?

[Milliardo]

Originally posted by Emilio
Man, u got no sense of humour. DUH, u think all this sh1t we don't know? u miss the point of the story pal, its making fun of the ford and the geo and how some people pu big a$$ exhausts and still go slower than a bus.... its called exageration, do u really think they shifted into 4th at 30mph?

lol I have a sense of humor--I also like to analyze things. But seriously, yeah shifting to fourth at 30mph can be done, it's just that it will take a longer time for the car to accelerate, plus it will add more work on the engine.