How to become a "good" Christian in 20 easy steps.

[blazee]

1. Confess to all your friends, associates and church leaders that you love Jesus and intend to become His slave and that you will devote your life to Him. It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, just saying it will put you in a Christian mode.


2. Join a church, get baptized and attribute your conversion to the priest or minister. Gaze reverently into his eyes as he pontificates about the nature of God. Sighing every once and a while, or wiping a tear will guarantee their devotion. If you join a revival church, fall to the floor, shake your body, put up both hands and yell: JAYsus-ah! NEVER bring up the topic of sexual molestation to your priest, no matter how many boys or girls he may have poked.


3. Every Sunday, make sure you put a large sum of MONEY into the church's MONEY basket. Make sure that everyone in the congregation sees you giving MONEY.


4. When talking with your priest and religious friends, occasionally confuse something that they said with something that Jesus said. This will impress them and they will think more highly of you.


5. Read the Bible, but ignore the atrocities and concentrate only on what seems "good" to you. For instance, discard the parts where God kills firstborns, pregnant women, etc., and only keep verses such as "God is love." Its like taking a sugar coated bitter pill, but it will appear good and that's what counts here.


6. Learn a few basic Hebrew words and whenever you're in a religious discussion, mention them in the context of their original meaning and comparing them to the English version. This will impress others of your Biblical knowledge, even if you don't know squat about theology.


7. Rely on faith and believe in the Bible superstitions, regardless of how silly they may seem. Yes, even the talking donkey, unicorns, and the strolling on water part. Even if you don't believe in them, just pretend that you do; no one will be able to tell the difference.


8. Abandon all reason and critical thinking. This is imperative. You cannot become a good Christian if you question the Bible with reason or skepticism.


9. Smile a lot to everyone you see. Say you love them even when you hate their guts. You must pretend, at all costs, to love your worst enemies even if it kills them in the end.


10. Attempt to convert your unbelieving friends. Make an ass out of yourself to the point of getting them angry. Make sure you always keep smiling and tell them how much you love them. This will escalate their anger and leave you fully satisfied. If they persist, claim that they are in league with the Devil and only faith in Jesus can release them (make sure you keep smiling).


11. If anyone presents reasonable arguments against Christianity, simply go into denial. Say that their tempting only makes your faith grow stronger. Never submit to them.


12. If your antagonists quote a verse from the Bible that contradicts your position, simply say that they're taking that verse out of context. The out-of-context ploy will get you out of many difficult situations and will make it seem that you actually understand the correct context when in fact you don't.


13. Pray. Make sure you pray, not just in church, but in public parks, schools, libraries, and when visiting friends and relatives. Praying out loud is a sure way to convince others of your Christianity.


14. Advertise your Christianity. Examples: wear religious symbols such as a cross; always have a Bible handy; put fish symbols on your car; put a baby Jesus on the front lawn; put a plastic Jesus in your car. Cross yourself a lot.


15. Wear conservative clothes. For the best effect: Men should wear white shirts and dark pants. Suits should be baby blue. Women should wear long dresses and veils. The hair style should be frumpish. Old ladies should dye their hair blue. NEVER attempt to look sexy. Never tattoo your body with religious symbols. Women should never expose their breasts. Men should NEVER expose their genitals.


16. Get married and raise a family. The bigger the better. If you cannot conceive, adopt. Profess family values. If you cheat on your spouse, never make it known to them. Never get a divorce, regardless of how miserable you both feel.


17. When making love to your spouse, make it known that it's for Christ (and I don't mean yelling out Jesus' name). Think of Jesus when you come. After sex, instead of a smoking a cigarette, discuss the works of the virgin Jesus.


18. If any power threatens your Christianity, make sure your political stance aims to destroy that threat (always through love, of course.) If the threat comes from a foreign country, support the military to crush the enemy (always through love, of course). If the threat comes from within your country, support legislation to change the constitution so that your Christian position will prevail.


19. If you're fortunate to achieve political power, use your religious beliefs to direct your actions. It doesn't matter how many enemies you slaughter or what freedoms are lost, as long as your justification is based on the Bible, you will become a Christian of history.


20 The most important of all: Give your possessions away (charity). The Bible says give all you have to anyone who asks (Luke 6:30). May I suggest that for practice, give me all your money. I'm officially asking that you to please give me ALL your MONEY. Warning: If you do not do this, you are disobeying a direct Jesus request. However, if you do obey this command, it will guarantee you a Christian position and you will garner my greatest esteem and respect for you.


If you follow the above examples (especially step 20), you will become an authentic Christian.

[fredjacksonsan]

Hey, wait a minute. Show me the money, too.

[ExoticSpotting]

WOW......just, WOW.

What kind of trauma were you exposed to as a child?

You didn't make a deep philisophical argument, you didn't make some profound point. You just made a sarcarstic, juvenile rant against millions of people who you obviously don't understand.

I hope you feel special.

[fredjacksonsan]

Originally Posted by ExoticSpotting

WOW......just, WOW.

What kind of trauma were you exposed to as a child?

You didn't make a deep philisophical argument, you didn't make some profound point. You just made a sarcarstic, juvenile rant against millions of people who you obviously don't understand.

I hope you feel special.

Relax, man.

Not coming down on you hard here, just giving some friendly advice.

You WILL find every type of religious and nonreligious person here. Expressing your opinion in this section is fully expected; making a personal attack against someone expressing the opinion is not...debating them on their position IS. Attack the message, not the messenger.

Question for you: Would you have said the same type thing if the poster had been sincere, or if the thread had been titled, "How to become an "evil" Satanist in 20 easy steps" ?

[blazee]

Originally Posted by ExoticSpotting

WOW......just, WOW.

What kind of trauma were you exposed to as a child?

You didn't make a deep philisophical argument, you didn't make some profound point. You just made a sarcarstic, juvenile rant against millions of people who you obviously don't understand.

I hope you feel special.

Looks like you're almost there, just read back over it again and work on the steps you missed.


BTW: What exactly does "philisophical" and "sarcarstic" mean?

[ExoticSpotting]

Originally Posted by blazee

Looks like you're almost there, just read back over it again and work on the steps you missed.

I interact with dozens of people on a daily basis who are deeply religous, they are wonderful individuals, with great personalities who work with food drives, disaster relief and other humanitarian projects.

Maybe if you got out more and spent time with christians, you would realize how little you actually know about them.

But apparently, you're content with sitting behind your computer screen, tossing around toilet humor about a group of people who are actually tring to make the world a better place.

Originally Posted by blazee

BTW: What exactly does "philisophical" and "sarcarstic" mean?

Wow, you're that entertained by a typo?

[MagicRat]

Originally Posted by ExoticSpotting

I interact with dozens of people on a daily basis who are deeply religous, they are wonderful individuals, with great personalities who work with food drives, disaster relief and other humanitarian projects.

Maybe if you got out more and spent time with christians, you would realize how little you actually know about them.

But apparently, you're content with sitting behind your computer screen, tossing around toilet humor about a group of people who are actually tring to make the world a better place.

I think you have missed the point here. Forgive me if I sound combative here, but I get a bit irate when people claim christians are doing good things simply by being Christian. IMO christianity is at times a diversion which prevents good people from doing 'good'.

These 20 points were not actually criticizing people. They were critical of all the fairy-tales, the fables, propaganda, fake mysticism illogic and ridiculous rituals found in many organized religions. All these features are used by religion to hoodwink people, to get them to stop thinking for themselves, and instead, slavishly support controlling, dishonest and self-serving religions.

Proof of this? For every truly altruistic Christian, there are many more who spend their time proselytizing. Instead of helping others, they go out to spread the Word - that is, spread propaganda and disinformation about life and mankind's place in the universe.

I have respect for altruistic Christians because they help others. I have NO respect for Christians who choose NOT to help others, but instead spend their time lying and misrepresenting the nature of the world, life and the universe to others (a.k.a. proselytizing). They do not help others, but instead, imo, believe they are buying their way into a (nonexistent) heaven by doing so.

Altruistic Christians are good people not because of religion, but because they are inherently good and decent people. There are also many altruistic atheists and agnostics. They are also good people because of their nature, not because of any fake deity.

Now, how can Christians make this world a better place? Imagine the benefit if millions of Christians refused to go to church every Sunday, but instead spent that hour or two doing good and charitable deeds. Every Sunday, they could volunteer with charities, help the homeless and disadvantaged, spend time with orphaned children,etc. etc, instead of wasting their time worshiping a fake deity. Now THAT would make a better world!!

[ExoticSpotting]

Originally Posted by fredjacksonsan

You WILL find every type of religious and nonreligious person here. Expressing your opinion in this section is fully expected;

I would have no problem if he wrote a post questioning Christian ideals and pointing out what he believes are flaws in logic. Its healthy to stir up conversation about something as influental as religion.

But he went over the edge of 'expressing a personal oppinion', the sole purpose of his post was to mock Christians. There was nothing constructive about what he wrote.

[blazee]

Originally Posted by ExoticSpotting

I would have no problem if he wrote a post questioning Christian ideals and pointing out what he believes are flaws in logic. Its healthy to stir up conversation about something as influental as religion.

But he went over the edge of 'expressing a personal oppinion', the sole purpose of his post was to mock Christians. There was nothing constructive about what he wrote.

That is simply your opinion, which I really couldn't care less about. It has no bearing on what I will and won't post. When are you christians going to learn that something doesn't become true just because you think it is?
Instead of attacking me, how about going with the spirit of the forum, and discussing what you think is inaccurate about what I posted...

[blazee]

Top Ten Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured to death over his brand of beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2,000+ years for a second beer.

3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a beer.

1. If you have devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop.

[blazee]

Why could jesus walk on water?

Cuz shit floats

[fredjacksonsan]

Originally Posted by ExoticSpotting

I would have no problem if he wrote a post questioning Christian ideals and pointing out what he believes are flaws in logic. Its healthy to stir up conversation about something as influental as religion.

But he went over the edge of 'expressing a personal oppinion', the sole purpose of his post was to mock Christians. There was nothing constructive about what he wrote.

While the entire post was in a mocking tone, doesn't it, in fact, point out what he believes are flaws in logic, while questiong Christian ideals? And didn't the post, in fact, stir up conversation about religion?

Further, since you and he are at opposite ends of the argument/discussion/debate, there is rich ground here for an intelligent debate, with the opportunity for solid points to be made on both sides. But given the current situation it's probably too late for that now.

Lastly, I was raised Roman Catholic. You have to admit there is a lot of truth in those 20 points.

Originally Posted by Blazee

Why could jesus walk on water?

Cuz shit floats

Now that's just stirring things up.

Darn, unless we get a few more people in here, it'll probably be time to close this one soon.

[ExoticSpotting]

Originally Posted by blazee

Why could jesus walk on water?

Cuz shit floats

...and you expect me to take your posts seriously?

[ExoticSpotting]

Originally Posted by fredjacksonsan

Further, since you and he are at opposite ends of the argument/discussion/debate, there is rich ground here for an intelligent debate, with the opportunity for solid points to be made on both sides.

I would like nothing more than to have a serious discussion about religion.

If I wanted to start a thread about things I disagree with athiests about I would make a list with 'why do they think this?', or 'I don't see what the big deal is about _____.'

[ExoticSpotting]

Originally Posted by MagicRat

Now, how can Christians make this world a better place? Imagine the benefit if millions of Christians refused to go to church every Sunday, but instead spent that hour or two doing good and charitable deeds. Every Sunday, they could volunteer with charities, help the homeless and disadvantaged, spend time with orphaned children,etc. etc, instead of wasting their time worshiping a fake deity. Now THAT would make a better world!!

Christianity is more than two hours in a sanctuary once a week. We have innumerable charity orginzations nationwide, and my church hosts several services for the homeless, such as Loaves and Fishes, Sunday Dinner, Room at the Inn, and a group that helps find jobs for the unemployed.

Of course, if athiests gave a helping hand with these projects we could get a lot more done. But I guess you're too busy trying to get 'under God' removed from the Pledge of Allegiance.