Funny Jokes

[Amish_kid]

A man was in bed with his wife, when he heard a knock at the front door. He then decided that because it was 2 in the morning he'd simply ignore it. A minute later there was another louder knocking at the door, and after several painful digs in the side from his wife he decides to get up.

He opens the window and says "What do you want?"

"I just want a push." the reply came.

The man replied with a simple "P**s off, its 2 AM!" and climbed into bed.

His wife then piped up "What did he want?"

"Just a push"

"You not going to help then?"

"Damn right I'm not, its 2 AM"

"Don't you remember when we were coming back from that party and the car broke down. You had to knock on a door and ask for a push, and YOU got help"

"Yeah yeah ok, point taken" at which he throws some clothes, goes downstairs, and opens the door.

Outside it's pitch black, and the bloke can't see a thing.

"Well where are you?" he loudly whispers

"I'm over hear by the swings"
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It was the end of the school year and the students were giving their teacher gifts. The teacher knew the profession od the kids' parents so she would guess what they got her. The florists daughter gave her a box, she put it over her head and shook it. "Are they flowers?" asked the teacher, the student replied, "how did you know?"
Then the candyshop son came with a box, she pur it over her head and said "Is it candy?" The student said "how'd you know!!"
Then the liquor store owner's son, Johnny, came and the teacher saw the box leaking. She put her tounge on it and sucked the juice and said "Is it wine?" Johnny shook his head.Then she licked it again, "Vodka?" Johnny replied "Nuh-uhn! It's a puppy!!!"
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There is an old guy named Glen that is a little out of it that lives in a nursing home. One day Glen rushes up to one of the nurses and said(very panickedly),"Nurse, my weiner died!" "Well I am very sorry to hear that, Glen," said the nurse, and Glen contentedly walked away. Well, the next day old Glen is walkin around with his weiner hangin out of his pants. The nurse walks up and asks him what it is doin like that, because she thought it died. He replied," It did. Today's the viewing."
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This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"

[YogsVR4]

[Jonno]

:hehehe: I have heard most of them before, but still like them :hehe:

[primera man]

...not bad at all