For the "Cat lovers!!!

"Pandamonium" · #1 09-26-2002, 04:37 PM

How to Move A Cat

1. Basic Inert Cat Lift

If cat is not resting upon your body, stand or sit at right angles to the
cat's prone body (so that the cat's spinal column is directly across in
front of you). Slide hands under cat's shoulder blade and hips and lift
up, curling hands and forearms in toward your chest. If cat is
sufficiently awake, it will stiffen a bit, enabling you to lift with ease. If not, then expect the head, mid-back, legs, spine and tail to drip downward, somewhat like taffy in the sun. Do not worry. While taffy stretches into long loops and can break, your cat, while stretched into long loops as well, is made of Felastic (tm) which due to its molecular bond (Furballium atoms in a long polymew chain) and incredibly strong. The cat may drop as far as four to five feet and thin down to almost a thread, but he or she will NOT break.

Simply shift head and hips to one hand and gather the catloops, using the other hand and arm to collect them into a bundle. Transport cat to desired location and deposit. You do not necessarily need to untangle the
catloops as Felastic has a memory of proper cat shape and your cat will
shrink back into cat-size once it is cool. Note that Felastic will often
"puddle" in sunlight due to this effect. One cat was seen to spread to cover seventeen square feet (about the area of the average bedspread) thinning down in places to a quarter of an inch, but when the appropriate sound was heard, coalesced back into cat-size in three milliseconds!

2. If cat is resting on your anatomy, removal is more difficult, but
again, not impossible. Slide hands under puddle of cat nearest you and gently fold the cat over onto herself, like folding a quilt. Slide legs out from under cat and wait for blood to return to circulation before attempting to stand or walk. Should these methods fail, you will have to resort to the Catsignal Method.

Catsignal Method.
If you have a friend, you may summon that friend to perform the catsignal. If you are not pinioned beneath the cat, you may
sound it yourself. If you are pinned and alone, you may attempt to reach
the telephone and get someone to come over or sound the catsignal over the phone line.

The Catsignal varies from household to household, but is generally either
a running can opener or a rustling food bag. This should galvanise even
the most obdurately puddled feline into action. If the cat is on top of you
when the Catsignal is sounded, shield your eyes from flying claws and fur as cat departure is precipitous. Cat will use her back claws to launch
herself forth. Grit your teeth and hang on, the pain only lasts a moment or two.

Wear long clothing until the marks fade.

Should all the above methods fail, you have a deeper problem which needs to be addressed... namely, disposal... your cat is probably
dead!!!

The Panda made me do it!!!