Need some advice: girl, love, stuff

[david-b]

Ok, I usually won't get into something like this with people I don't know, but I think I know you all enough now to post this. Let me explain my story first. I need advice on what to do because I don't know what to do. Let's begin

I've been with my girl for coming up to 11 months now. A while back ago, her ex of 2 years came into the picture. I told her not to talk, write, or see him... and she did. She ended up almost breaking up with me to go back to him. We had many fights during this time and all. She told me one day that while she was at a party at his house, she got drunk and he kissed her and she kissed him back, but then stopped him. We fought and eventually I said the only way to keep me is to drop him, his friends, and everything. She did, or so I thought.

Recently, I browsed through her email and noticed emails to him asking to talk to him because she really needed to. I checked back every now and then and he finally wrote back today or yesterday or something. And it seems like they're talking again, or trying to. I'm f-en pissed right now, and don't know what to do. I seen in some other emails before that, when she was trying to get rid of him, that she kissed him 4 or 5 times!! She also may have taken off the ring that I bought her (not engagment, just a little gift but she treats it like one) while she was around him.

I want to call her out on the whole thing. But I went through her email to find everything. But if I didn't, she could be behind my back doing something. And why is she talking to him? When he came back in her life, everything got messed up again, and now she's trying to bring him back? How do I call her out on all of this. The other night we were driving somewhere and ended up talking about him, and I asked if she had talked to him. She's like, "why would I do that and fuck everything up again?" There was a long pause, and she was like, "what brought that up? You had to ask for a reason." I wanted to go off on her but I couldn't.

I love her alot. I really do, but I can't play these games. How can I call her out. I was thinking of opening a new email and sending me a message about her doing stuff, and then showing her and asking if it's true, you know, like an annoymous letter and such. I don't know. What do you guys think?

[Burnerdominator]

Ok ive been in a situation alot like this heres what you do...The letter idea you have a very good start if you truly love her show her go beat the piss out of her ex or just be real romantical flowers, cards, drives in the car on a nice night does wonders. You see the best way to do this is covert just kinda play things out for about 2 weeks and see if the emails come in more number and such

[david-b]

The thing is I have treated her better than anyone of her ex boyfriends. I've given her everything and been nothing but the best for her, and she seems to be walking all over me, right?

[gthompson97]

Oooo stuck between a rock and a hard spot. I don't know if "calling her out" on this would be the thing to do, or maybe it's just the wording that makes it sound so negative. Definitely talk to her about it though. I would just sit her down and have a CALM converstation, tell her whats on your mind. Tell her that you were cleaning up some space on the computer and came across some emails of hers from her ex and that it's really bothering you because you asked her not to have him in her life. I don't know if the letter thing would be such a good idea, that'd be just playing more games, and games usually lead to disastrous break-ups. If it's not meant to be man, it's not meant to be. And who knows, if she stops talking to him, who's to say that she won't start up again later on down the road, possibly even ruin a marriage if you end up down that path. Just my

[david-b]

We don't live together or anything, so she wont believe the cleaning space thing. And it's hard to have a calm conversation with her about anything like that. She always ends up flipping out. But she'll throw it back at me saying that I shouldn't have been going through her stuff.

[defiancy]

Sounds like it may be time for a new girl.

[EDMUND65]

It always seems that the girls you treat really well and aren't an asshole to always end up leaving you... or at least thats been my case.

I'm not sure what to tell ya. shes going to flip the fuck out when you tell her about you searching her email so i'd steer away from that.

[Shpyder]

I don't know man, every one has their own ways of dealing with issues like these.

If my girl were to commit a single act of disloyalty, which includes any contact with an ex- (let alone kissing), I would say good bye without a second thought. Flirtatious behavior and low regard for fidelity are a one-way, non-negotiable ticket out the door as far as I'm concerned. If a woman is to be the mother of my children and my life-long companion, there is no room for "mixed" feelings on her part, such as going back to an ex- for any reason whatsoever. And, what's more, if you're treating her right, and she does something like this behind your back, I don't care how much you like her her or love her...a single act of infidelity is grounds for immediate dismissal because it then opens up doors for other similar situations down the road.

Some people may think it's overly harsh, but I don't. If your woman does not recognize, in this day and age, what a gold mine she has struck in finding a person like you, if you are indeed treating her with the resepct and care you mentioned, she does not deserve being with you. I would have a very detailed talk with her regarding the matter. Sit her down, and explain to her how much you like her, but also let her know how well she has it being with you, and that you are not afraid to give her the boot. Let her know your suspicions, based on previous experiences regarding her ex-, and come completely clean on the entire issue. There is no substitute for good communication: let your heart out. If you really like this girl so much, you should not find it difficult to do so.

Many people "wing it" along with such partners, about whom they have concerns of disloyalty, because they are wary of being lonely once again. Let's face it: it can be hard to meet another person and go through that entire ordeal to let someone into your life from scratch. The energy is better spent, in most cases, repairing an existing relationship. Sometimes, however, there are some inexcusable actions that in my book cannot be forgiven. Make her realize how much you are worth (again, I am under assumption that you are treating her well, etc.), and if she does not, move on man. Just my 2c.

[L-Spec]

Originally Posted by defiancy

Sounds like it may be time for a new girl.

I honestly could not have said it better, good job

Girls like that are not really worth it. If they do it now, what will stop them from doing it later? You're only in the dating stage now, but imagine if you two were married. That would be horrible. Take a step back and ask if it's even worth it. If she gets back with her ex, she'll just end up breaking up with him again, but then you'd be doing better off with someone else. You can hold out and see how it goes, but you'd be digging yourself deeper into a tunnel of lies that could collapse at any time.

She should be more worried about you catching her with her ex, then catching you in her emails

[EDMUND65]

david b if you dont mind me asking how old are you?

[david-b]

I do treat her well. I treat all my girls with respect and have always been the "nice guy" when it came down to it. I hate those bastards that don't know how to treat a woman right. Actually, I've gotten in many fights (physical and verbal) over it with many guys because I can't stand that.

It's hard to let her go because I've never had anyone before where she knew everything and how it felt so good. I've been worried about the future too because I feel that she's going to hold me back in many ways. Like after college this year, I old her I was going to work full-time and get a band together and jump right into it. She's like, "you mean spending more time with me is what you're going to do." I've been trying to get my bands going but with school I'm always held back. We were also supposed to goto Oz Fest this year and didn't because she decided last minute she didn't want to go. Also to Six Flags, but I already had tickets and had to sell them. Also then, I don't get to see my friends without her being there. No "guys night" or anything anymore. She always had to be there. My guys are like, "so, when;s the leash coming off...."? I turned 21 in May, and have yet to be in an actual bar.

The thing I don't get it that she says she loves me and that I treat her right and that she never wants to talk to her ex again because he does nothing but screw everything up, but yet she is talking to him. It doesn't make sense. I would hate to lose her, but I think it's time. I love her so much and it is going to be hard to do. Honestly, I don't want a relationship. She kinda fell into my lap and we took it from there. I'm still up for the single life, playing around and all.

I won't bring it up today or probably not even this week. Her great grandpa passed away on last halloween and she's on her rag, and she gets alittle emotional. Again, me being the nice guy, I'll wait for that to finish before I approach her on it. But I think it's time to do it. I'm going to be so nervous, and I can see her lying through her teeth, but I have to do it.

[Killa]

David calm down I will edit my message when I got home ( im in library now ), I got something to say to you . On the mean time go to www.askman.com and read read read.

[Mikelb]

man... I wish I had the words to say to make it all better, or to even point you in the right direction. I have been going through some serious relationship problems here lately as well, and I am again a "nice guy". So, I know where you're coming from.
The thing I can tell you that I've learned from my ordeal is, think about things before doing them, don't just rush or do something split-second.

Also, through relationship counseling; I have been told, be honest. Don't fight or get pissed over stupid little things, be honest about what bothers you. If you are mad b/c you think a/b her talking to the ex, then you're gonna be pissed all day w/her, and might snap if something stupid happens (she steps on your foot), and flip out. It might cause some up front tension to be honest, but overall that's the best way.

^Make sure you say what's really bothering you, not the little things... and don't hold back. She'll be happier knowing that she can make you happy, and if not; go your seperate ways (I hate to say it)...

[Thor06]

Wow, what a situation. Truth be told, I have never had a girl friend (and I dont mind that fact, girls are too expensive/stressful) so I dont know exactly how I would feel in this situation, but I can do my best. Also, somethings may come off horribly blunt and I am sorry for that, they are not meant to offend whatsoever.

First off, who the hell are you to tell her who she can be friends with and who she cant? Shes a big girl and you arent her master, I think if she wants to talk to her ex thats her choice, not yours. You've got to trust her, trust is an integral part of any relationship. However, she violoated that trust in kissing him and lieing about being in contact with him. If a girl violates my trust, her ass would be on the curb without question.

Secondly, she is not your master and who the hell is she to keep you from your friends and band? Just as you have to trust her, she has to trust that you will remain faithful and give her the love and attention she deserves as your significant other.

Thirdly, though its nice to be in the know no matter what, going through other peoples mail is not cool. Would you be pissed if she went through yours? If you do/did find out something, I would definately not call her out on it directly, that would be pointing out to her that you do not trust her and she would in turn not trust you.

So heres what I think. You two need a break or a serious heart to heart talk. You both need to be more open with each other and be willing to accept each other a bit better. Shes got to take the leash off of you and let you be with your friends, but you have to trust that she isnt going to cheat on you. If she does, drop it like its hot.

[Shpyder]

Relationships have an epicenter of compromise...the more similar-minded the individuals, the less compromise there is, and the less struggly to achieve stabililty and peace. However, if the differences are great enough, and a greater degree of compromise is required, depending on how much each is willing to give up, there can be a problem to the point where the very essence of the relationship must be questioned...