more funny stuff....

[ragt20]

THANK GOD
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

NEW RECRUIT
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!

PASSING THE EXAM

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.Do which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

BUSH AT THE WHEEL

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident... Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming. He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hand gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly. The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"

GOOD NEWS
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

50/50
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We're old. This is plenty for us. Besides, we've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat her share, and she replied, "Not yet. This time he gets the first turn with the teeth." (I know eeewwwwwwwww)

LOUD, MAD OR SAD
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir I'm just a tax collector.”

BIG FAMILY
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now.''


There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide eyed, 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7-year-old old son, Little Johnny. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that left her in the dirt. She looks up and sees the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over, she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?" Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"


The phone rings at CBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the CBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Bubba, who is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." Next day, the CBI agents descend on Bubba's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They glare at Bubba and leave. The phone rings at Bubba's house. "Hey, Bubba! Did the CBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep" "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[DVSNCYNIKL]

:hehehe::hehehe:

Like those.

[taranaki]

a good way to start the day

[tazdev]

good way to finish the day.

[YogsVR4]

[Mr. Burns] Excellent [/Mr. Burns]