one or two funny ones

[ragt20]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

" You know what?", says the 7 year old, " I think it's about time we start swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

" When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh!t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".........

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your feckin' a$$ it won't be Coco Pops."

Mrs Brown enters the doctors surgery,
" What can I do for you Mrs Brown?" asks the G.P.

" Well my husband and I would like some help with our sex life and we'd like to try that viagra stuff ".

" Mrs Brown, you and your husband are well into your eighties, all i can suggest is that Mr Brown has half a tablet one day then skips a day, has half a tablet then skips a day ".

Two weeks later the G.P. bumps into Mrs Brown

" Hows the sex life now?"

" I'm afraid my husband has died!"

" Not from the viagra i hope ?"

" NO ALL THE FECKING SKIPPING "

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a
drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
The truck driver motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of
chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road
and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and
DON'T MOVE!".
The trucker gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife out and slices
all her tyres. Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to
his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets
it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost collapsing.
"What the hell is wrong with you?", he shouts.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside
the circle."
--

Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls."

Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly, I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with his favourite, Chocolate Moose.

--
A Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"

The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Lethal injection" came the reply from the sad Boxer.

The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.

"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.

The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away, taking her from behind like crazy."

The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped.":frog:

[Spec2 Girl]

rotflmao! :hehehe: :hehehe:

[Damien]

Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
[b]rotflmao![b]

What does that mean???

Ragt20- Those were just hilarious!!!

[darkness]

don't you know what roflmao means?

Rolling
On
Floor
Laughing
My
Ass
Off

[Damien]

Originally posted by darkness
don't you know what roflmao means?

Rolling
On
Floor
Laughing
My
Ass
Off

Of course I knew that! That's why I asked! :silly2:











Thanks Darkness! :o

[YogsVR4]

The last one was the savior.

[tazdev]

Chocolate MOOSE

[Chevrolet1986]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :hehehe: :hehehe: :hehehe: