smore funny stuff

[ragt20]

---
Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kiwi farmer takes his driving test. The driving instructor asks "Can you make a U-Turn?"

The farmer replies, "Yeah, I can make its f*cking eyes water."
--
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2,I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!" the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!" they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"Roll out more hose!" she replied.
"You're nowhere near the fire!!!"
--
Jack was about to marry Jill and so his Father took him to one side.

When I got married to your Mother the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your Mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them as they were too large.
I said to her of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this Family and I always will. Ever since that day we have never had a single problem".

Well Jack took his Father's advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after they had married he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jilland told her to try them on. When she did she said "I can't wear these, they're far too large for me".
"Exactly" Jackreplied, "I wear the trousers in this Family and I always will. I don't want you ever to forget that". Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on Jack" she said, so he tried but they were too small. "I can't get into your knickers" said Jack. So Jill says "Exactly, and if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will"!
--
Whilst admiring her view from her apartment, a young women slips and falls over the side. She is caught a few floors down by a man who happens to also be out on his balcony. "Oh, thank you" says the young women, to which the man replies, "Do you suck?". "No!" says the horrified young women, whom the man then drops.

She falls down some more floors when she is once again caught by a man out on his balcony. "Oh, thank you!" she says, to which he inquires, "Do you f*ck?". "No!!" she says, once again shocked. He too drops her.

As she falls, she preys for one last chance. A third man catches her, from his balcony. Quickly she says to the man, "I Suck, I F*ck!".
"Sl*t." he says, and drops her.
--
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I''ve ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn''t say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You''re right," she said. "I think I''ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That''s a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
--

--
A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening: red cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?' an olde but goode :hehehe:
--

--
A father, mother, and son were in Europe and decided they'd visit some nude beaches.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that men with really big units and girls with really big breasts were both really dumb.
When they got to the beach they split up. Later, the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got."
--
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put
it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at the chemists..

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemists shop and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The bloke,
obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80 years of age), and very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel.
--

[YogsVR4]

Some old. Some not so old. But all good!

[Ando_Rules]

haha lol those r hilarious great stuff rag

[Damien]

Oh man! I really needed a major good laugh today!!!

[Spec2 Girl]

Hahaha love that first one! :hehehe:

[primera man]

The Bell one cracked me up....nice work Rags