Ok so I lied

Muscletang · #1 04-18-2006, 04:06 PM

I said I'd never do another joke thread because I ran out of material. Well...I lied. I just took a little vacation that's all.

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out:

"Watch that fucking wall!"

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What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?
The nympho says, "You're done already?"

The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"

And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

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Little Johnny walked into his parents’ bedroom one day and found his father going to town with his mother’s legs way up in the air.

He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her up this morning."

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Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.

Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"

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An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.
After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough energy to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one. You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

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A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top,...
but it won't keep you there.

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Husband: How about a little sex tonight?

Wife: No, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Yes, it's my final answer!

Husband: Okay, then I'd like to use a lifeline. I'd like to
Phone-A-Friend.

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How do you know if you're at a bulimics birthday party?

the cake comes out of the girl