Random Funnies

[VR43000GT]

I found these on the internet and thought I'd share:


What Not To Say To A Cop

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?
Say Hi to your wife and my kids!



A fellow bought a new 'Vette and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open it up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Vette," he thought to himself and opened it up further. The needle hit 100, 110... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.



A '65 Corvette is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a late-40’s guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.
The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 mph, sir.”
The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating.”
Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, “Now don’t be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you keep your mouth shut for once?”
The wife smiles demurely and says “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did”.
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Dammit woman, shut your mouth! NOW!”
The officer frowns and says, “And, I notice you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir, that’s an automatic $75 fine.”
The driver says, “Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket.”
The wife says, “Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you’re driving the Corvette.”
And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP”!
The officer looks over at the woman and says, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”
“Oh heavens no, officer, only when he’s been drinking.”



There was a man who decided to ride his 10-speed bike from Phoenix to
the Grand Canyon. He made it across the desert with no problem, but
when he reached the mountains the steep grade wore him down. Realizing
he can't continue, he decides to hitchhike. Two hours go by and not a
single car has stopped. A guy driving a Corvette stops and asks if he
can help. The bicyclist says "I could use a ride." The driver looks
at the bicycle. "That won't fit in the car," he muses. He opens his
trunk and takes out a piece of rope. He ties one end to the bicycle
and the other end to his bumper. "You've got a horn on your bike.
If I go too fast, honk your horn and I will slow down."

This scheme worked well for several miles. Suddenly, a Vette blows past them. Not to be outdone, the first Vette driver takes off
in pursuit They fly through a speed zone. The patrol officer looks
at his radar gun. It indicates both "Vettes are traveling over 120 mph.
He radios the officer ahead and says, "You've got two Corvettes headed
your way They're both doing over 120 mph." He hesitates a moment,
then adds, "You're not going to believe this. But there's a guy on a
bicycle. He's also doing over 120 mph and he's honking to pass......'







This is taken from California e-mail "Community Policing"
question-and-answer
forum.

The question was: I would like to know how it is possible for police
officers to harass people and get away with it? And where can you go
for
help other
than a civil attorney.

And the reply was:

It is not easy. In California we average one cop for every 2000 people.
About 60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of the
harassing.
One
fifth of that 60% are on duty at any moment and available for harassing
people.

So, one on duty cop is responsible to harass about 10,000 residents.
When
you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that
attract
people
from other area, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is
responsible to harass 20,000 or more people a day.

A ten hour shift runs 36,000 seconds. This gives a cop one second to
harass

a person, and three fourths of a second to eat a donut AND find a new
person
to harass. This is not an easy task. Most cops are not up to it day in
and
day
out. It is just to tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us
narrow
down who we harass.

They are as follows:

Phone: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus
on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife"
is
a
code
phrase we use. Then we come out and give special harassment. Another
popular one on weeknights is "The kids next door are having a
party."

Cars: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They
like
to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with
expired
registration tabs, and the like. It is lots of fun when you pick them
out
of traffic for nothing more obvious then running a red light.

Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
have
drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant.

Runners: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer.
Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on
the
scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

Codes: When you can think of nothing else to do, there are books that
offer
ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called Codes. The Penal
Code,
Vehicle Code, Health and Safety Code, Business and Professions. . .
They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with
people.

After you read the code, you can just drive around for a while until
you
find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them.

Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well, the code says that
is
not allowed. That meant I got to harass this guy. It is a pretty cool
system
that we have set up, and it works pretty well. I seem to have a
never-ending
supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it because the good
citizens who
pay the tab like that we keep the streets safe for them.


Next time you are in my town, give me a single finger wave. That is a
signal that you wish me to
take a little closer look at you, and maybe find a reason to harass
you.
Looking forward to meeting you.

[clawhammer]

That response from the cop was good.

[VR43000GT]

I liked the one with the guy on a bicycle behind the Vette.

[93rollaracer]

Ha...the last one is great.