"When I have Kids-By a Real Man"

[Damien]

• If I catch my child eating his or hers boogers, the thunder will be brought down. This will be the only instance in which my child might get beat. Only those dirty kids who you see Walmart eat their own boogers. You know what I'm talking about, they wear knee-patched sweat pants and always have blowpops stuck to their cheeks. And let me clarify, Picking boogers is A.O.K., I will tell my Kids "Kids, Daddy is ok with the occasional pick, roll and flick, but never ever eat it. O.K? Because, eating boogers is for orphans and terrorists."
• They will either be a center fielder or first baseman. My child will never play catcher because only overweight Italian kids play catcher.
• Strict NO HELMET policy. My grandfather didn't have one back in the old country, my dad didn't need one, I never wore one, my child will not wear one. If he or she has the balls to do a "Polish wheelie" off homemade super ramp, he or she has the balls to deal with a contusion.
• NO MAYO.
• When in doubt, punch.
• NO HAMSTERS or GERBILS. My blessed children will be allowed a variety of birds, puppies, and maybe if they don't talk smart to their Pappy, even a small primate. When the day arrives when my doughy-eyed son comes up to me and begs me for a Hamster, Gerbil, or any rodent, the hammer of justice will connect with his jaw. This also includes Rabbits.
• NO SPRING BREAK FOR YOU. Back in college I took one Spring Break trip to the Bahamas and all I had to show for it was my intact hymen and a Stage C Rash my hombres and I caught while "crazy boozin" in a septic jacuzzi. My son might have a chance of going but my daughter will spend her high school and college spring break making Daddy lasagna instead of showing her nipples and screaming out "LAKE HAVASU 2023!!!"
• GO KART FOR EVERYONE. Some kids in my neighborhood had go karts and mini-bikes, in turn, they were the shit. Unfortunately, my parents wouldn't hear of such a thing. My little shits will be showered will all types of motorized fun machines. Little Jeffrey and Jeffrina will be the most respected kids in the neighborhood. They will achieve rightful popularity without selling ecstasy(little Jeffrey) or engaging in premarital hand release (Jeffrina).
• THE KIDS WILL NOT BENEFIT FROM MARISELLA THE MAID. Our future maid Marisella is for mommy's relief only. The little bastards will understand this by the age of 8 when I require them to perform monthly oil changes on my Benzo.
• PIZZA ON FRIDAY - ONLY. I know my genes and the craving for cheesy/bready/meaty/saucy combos my genes produce. This multi-generational trait will be nipped in the bud very early on. Pizza is the best and you can enjoy it my little ones. Only of Friday.
• YOU WILL WASH MY CAR. My pops and his pops did it, I did it with my Pops, you will wash my cars with me son. All of them. Even my classic hot rod collection and a monthly wax and buff of my 80's-era Air Wolf-style helicopter. One thing, Daddy just sprays the hose and must never scrub, dry, or bend in any way. Daddy never bends.
• YOU WILL BE IN THE FAMILY BAND.No choice here. All my children must be in my family band. Little Jeffrey on lead ax, Little Jeffrina on Bass (naturally), Little Two on the kit and Daddy on lead vocals on rhythm guitar. Everyone must sing harmonies and Mommy will make us pound cake and banana mojitos for our set breaks.
• NO MILK WITH DINNER. During supper, my little tubs of shit will only be allowed water, wine or delicious diet pop. One exception will be made, and that is when Moms is serving up the coveted "pancakes for dinner." Milk shall be enjoyed when eating breakfast and/or cookies and cakes. Kids should not be trained to drink milk with ribs or pasta. "That's what hillbillies do, and daddy doesn't feed hillbillies. Now go wax my jag" says Jeff to kids.
• NO MECHANICAL BULL RIDING. Nothing says "classy broad" like my Heffeweizan-filled daughter dry humping a fake mammal in front of college hat wearing gaytards. No double standard here folks, my son is not allowed as well. I have seen men ride mechanical bulls at bars. Watching them evokes the same awkward and uncomfortable feeling I got when I caught my parents "exercising" in the basement. The smell and the sweat and the heat...
• WHEN IN DOUBT, JUST KISS HER. A little sentimental, I know, but also very important. If a hint of opportunity arises for my Little Jeffrey, I will command him to just kiss the broad. If his advance is unrequited and a negative response occurs, may I suggest snuffing the sitch by vomiting on her mouth than sprinting back to Daddy - who will then make you run the mile.
• BAD GRADES WILL BE IGNORED IF LITTLE JEFFREY IS FUNNIEST GUY (CLASS CLOWN). I would be so proud that, not only will I allow him to do all the above stuff, but I will reward him by letting him throw water balloons at me while I built him a batting cage in the backyard.
• YOU WILL TEACH YOURSELF HOW TO RIDE A 2 WHEEL BIKE. That's what Daddy did (honestly) and that's what you will do. Remember, no helmets, no crying and no mommy. If you do get a "boo-boo," Daddy will make sure you spend your teen years scootin' around the neighborhood in your old batman bigwheel.
• SPICY SHIT WILL BE INCORPORATED AT AN EARLY AGE. Nothing is more embarrassing than being "that guy" or "that girl" who goes to a Mexican cantina with a bunch of amigos and demands to know the spice level of every little thing. "(in kiddy voice) seniow, awre da mawgawitas spwicy? " Therefore, hot giardiniera and jalepenos will be introduced at 6 months by incorporating the spice inside there "ba-ba" or rubbing on their toothless gums.
• YOU MUST COMPLETE AT LEAST ONE PULL UP IN THE PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TEST. Daddy had a very hard time completing such a simple task. There are a few things as pathetic as the site of that one child; dangling from the chin-up bar, red-faced and hanging on for his life. His gym shorts are falling, exposing his stretch-marked booty crack while the skinny kids are pointing and spitting on him. My kids will not be one of them dammit. They will do one pull up. And one only.
• OH! EASY WITH THE BREAD.

[clawhammer]

That's pretty fun. Not sure I'd let me kids scratch up my car though.

[XeVeNskyLiNE]

The last 2 made me LOL.

Rub jalapeno's on their toothless gums, lol.

[1986Z28]

ahh that made me laugh

[Knifeblade]

U obviously aren't a parent, and I think U have underestimated your capacity to be one.

[vinnym86]

that was really funny. i'd agree with a few there.

[imtheoneandonlyD]

Hey, im a catcher and im not fat/overweight OR italian.

[vinnym86]

Originally Posted by imtheoneandonlyD

Hey, im a catcher and im not fat/overweight OR italian.

O RLY?

[SeaWarrior]

meh, not too bad

[-Davo]

Originally Posted by vinnym86

O RLY?

....CAN'T.....


...RESTRAIN....

.....FORGIVE ME....

[Damien]

Originally Posted by Knifeblade_03

U obviously aren't a parent, and I think U have underestimated your capacity to be one.

uh uh...i didnt write it.

[tonioseven]

I'm a parent and I loved it!

[directory]

i'm a new parent and i can incorporate it into my daily routine. thanks

[SLoe]

I am a parent. Kids WILL do exactly what they want to like it or not. Beatings don't change a thing. Ask my mom . We all ate a few boogs in our lives too.

[TerminalVelocity]

heh