Need a laugh? Another Muscletang joke thread

Muscletang · #1 02-21-2006, 01:01 AM

I'm pretty sure a couple of these may have been heard. Oh well, shut up and laugh you'll feel better.

A guy reads a newspaper ad that says "All the weight you can lose for 1 dollar a pound". So he calls and asks if its true.

"Sure" the guy says. "Just tell me the amount of weight you want to lose and your credit card number."

Well the guy says 20 pounds.

"No problem, our representative will be there in the morning."

Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. When he opens the door theres a beautiful blonde standing there with nothing on but a sign that reads

"IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME".

He does and sure enough when he weighs in he has lost 20 pounds.

Excitedly he calls back the weight loss company. "This time I'd like to lose 50 pounds."

The guy who answered the phone says "Fifty pounds is a lot of weight at one time - but our representative will be there in the morning."

Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. The man rushes to answer it. When he does it's a 500 pound male gorilla with a sign that reads :

"IF I CAN CATCH YOU, I'LL HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU".

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One day a farmer was sitting on his porch and he saw a boy walking down the road with some duck tape. The farmer asked the boy what he was doing and the boy told him that he was going to catch some ducks. The farmer said you cant catch ducks with duck tape. However, and hour later the boy walked back up the road with a bunch of ducks in the ducktape.

The next day the boy had some chicken wire and said he was going to catch chickens. The farmer said you cant catch chickens with chicken wire but an hour later the boy walked back with chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next day the farmer saw the boy again, this time carrying some flowers. The farmer asked the boy what kind of flowers they were. He replied Pussywillows. The farmers eyes poped out and said:

"Wait up, I'll get my hat."

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Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it

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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."

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If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
Would you go to lunch or to a movie?

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A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

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Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

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A young guy at a bar notices two girls deep in conversation. He walks over and asks, “You girls want a drink?”

“You’re wasting your time,” says one of the ladies. “We’re lesbians.”

“What’s a lesbian?” he asks.

“We like to eat pussy,” she replies.

“Hey there!” the guy calls to the bartender. “Three drinks over here for us lesbians, please.”