Another round of jokes from Muscletang

Muscletang · #1 02-16-2006, 04:45 PM

Here we go, another round of jokes from me. I don't know if I already posted a couple of these so I went ahead anyway. If they're a repost then that gives you more of a reason to laugh at them.

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place. Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then.

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies,

"That's me before the operation."

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What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, "I'll go one better than that English bastard" and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen."
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself, "I'll go one further than those mainland bastards" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

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Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

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Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.
Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

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What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders

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An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.
He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go to the bathroom and then try to screw that new blonde stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

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What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung

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"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with screwin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of variety."
Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

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A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
"$50.00?? For a frog??" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.
Around 2am she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out o' here!"

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A cab driver was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. She waved him down and he pulls over and pickes her up.

After driving a little bit the cab driver can't help himself and asks this, "Miss, I must say...it's my fantasy to be with a nun. If you please me I won't make you pay."

The nun agrees but asks him "I must ask you two things, are you castrated and are you Roman Catholic?" Of course the cab driver lies and tells her he is.

Well the nun gets up front and gives him oral pleasure. After she's done the cab driver laughs and says "I LIED!!! I'm not a Catholic and I'm not castrated!!"

The nun replies and says, "I lied to, I'm not a nun, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."