The Police...

[tonioseven]

Reading him his Miranda Rights, a female police officer arrested a man
for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs".




Words of wisdom...
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.



3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the
toothache.



Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And
finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
you might need them to empty your bedpan.





Guts or balls...
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below .

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.




Barbie's Christmas Beau

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[blindside.AMG]

Originally Posted by tonioseven

Guts or balls...
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below .

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[L-Spec]

Originally Posted by tonioseven

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Haha, I like that one a lot.

[SLoe]

He said boobs he he he

[Rally Sport]

1st one was the best.

[stoned_pimp420]

I think we've found someone who thinks like me!!!!!

God have mercy on the world.

[v10_viper]

Tonio all of those jokes were awesome

[Muscletang]

Hmmmm

I'll give these jokes....

[ec437]

The police are a good band

[Raz_Kaz]

Insane!!!

[imtheoneandonlyD]

lol, those were great.

[KustmAce]

awesomeo

very refreshing

[crayzayjay]

Superb.

[mike1224]

thanks tonio..... haven't seen your jokes in a bit.

[sv650s]

oh great, now i'll have to find a female cop to get arrested by. anyone suggest a crime?