The Truth About Chuck Norris

[-Davo]

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

[vinnym86]

"F***ing Chuck Noris"

[-Josh-]

[SiGNAL748]

http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbul...d.php?t=456336

Chuck Norris.

[crayzayjay]

[goat_launcher]

[drewh4386]

Bruce Lee beats Chuck Norris...............

[speeddemonGtV6]

Hehehehe Wtf!?

[Mustangman25]

My friend showed me some of these in school...they're awesome. Some more:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Great stuff

[ci5ic]

awesome thread Davo.

[jcsaleen]

Originally Posted by drewh4386

Bruce Lee beats Chuck Norris..............

VIN Diesel owns all!
____________
Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!" When Bruce Willis stole it from him, Vin Diesel killed him with a poison-arrow frog. This is the prologue to The Sixth Sense.
____________

*Vin Diesel made all the sound effects for the Star Wars movies, using only his hands and armpits.

*Vin Diesel owns three Starbucks franchises.

*Vin Diesel owns a chain of fast food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but pork rinds and Hot Pockets. A giant plastic Vin Diesel head spins around on a pole outside the franchises, shooting fireballs at passerby.

*Vin Diesel stole Michael Jackson's black.

*Vin Diesel is powerful enough to destroy Samsonite luggage.

*Vin Diesel tastes like chicken, reported Michael Moore after getting a small bite from Vin's left forearm. Moore gained 120 pounds in the following days, but he remembers those days as the greatest days in his life.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around...Vin still hears it.

Vin Diesel and David Blaine are the only two living souls to have ever eaten their own heads..

Vin Diesel invented pesticide. Before that, humans had to convince bugs to commit suicide.

Vin Diesel donates 90% of his useable blood to the red cross every other tuesday, but insists it go to starving vampires.

Vin Diesel's formal title is Algarok, eater of children and destroyer of worlds.

*Vin Diesel is cleaner burning and ten times more efficient than regular diesel

*Vin Diesel bodysurfed the tsunami in Southeast Asia.

*Vin Diesel once crushed a beer keg against his forehead after drinking all of its contents

*Vin Diesel is responsible for Colin Quinn's downfall

*Vin Diesel played the dead parrot in the original Monty Python sketch.

Before young bed-bugs go to sleep, they warn each other to not let the Vin Diesel bite.

If you ask Vin Diesel "How much wood would a wooodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood," Vin Diesel will promptly chuck a woodchuck through your skull.

Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out.

Vin Diesel once stared so hard at an orphan, the child melted into a puddle of marmalade.

When the grocery store is out of Vin Diesel's favorite ice cream, the president orders the army to Defcon 5 and there is a total eclipse of the sun.

Vin Diesel once proclaimed himself as being "So hardcore that I don't need to wear a helmet when I use the telephone."

Several years ago, Vin Diesel had his tonsils removed. Today we know them as Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan.

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

Vin Diesel once punted Alf for sass talking him.

Vin Diesel refuses that fact that Yoda is not made out of green apple cotton candy.

Some men train their whole lives to learn how to consume the souls of their enemies and or their mistresses. When Vin Diesel does this he calls it Thursday.

The book Beowulf was based on Vin Diesel's life and is written in Vin Diesel's native tongue, which he later translated into the language he made up, English. He was going to call it Dieselish but he was far too modest. Vin Diesel will also star in the upcoming film version, playing every role. Except Grendel's mom, because he is too handsome for that

Vin Diesel is the only individual besides Peter and Brian who understand Stewie

Vin Deisel once played a prank on Mother Theresa by killing her.

The only drug that can get Vin Diesel high is life.

Vin Diesel's ejaculation can kill a man at 100 yards with pinpoint accuracy.

Will Smith once said, "I got to get me one of these." Vin Diesel does in fact have one of those.

Vin Diesel, as a fetus, survived 13 abortion attempts. He came out of the womb with the umbical cord that would eventually kill the doctor.

A diamond may say you love her, but a Vin Diesel is forever.

[jcsaleen]

Vin Diesel is one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Ironically, Vin Diesel only drinks unleaded.

Vin Diesel and Russell Crowe go out, once a year, and drink until they black out. It generally takes three days and more alcohol than the annual consumption of Mexico. One time Vin Diesel went out to take a piss while they were doing this, and it formed the Yellow River, which to this day still flows through China.

Should you turn off the lights and say Vin Diesel's name three times while looking in the mirror, Vin Diesel will magically appear and grant you one wish. If you ask for more, he will kick your punk-ass...b****.

Vin Diesel can count backwards from infinity, but only if you double-dog dare him

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel not only can lift Thor's hammer, he once borrowed it to re-shingle his roof. Thor was pissed when he found out.

Vin Diesel once built a stairway to heaven, but was forced destroyed it to avoid paying royalties.

Vin Diesel's shadow has a shadow. And its name is Keanu Reeves.

Vin Diesel once stared at a goat so intently, that the one standing next to it had a seizure.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!" When Bruce Willis stole it from him, Vin Diesel killed him with a poison-arrow frog. This is the prologue to The Sixth Sense.

Vin Diesel invented Pop-Tarts in an expiremnt involving 2 Koala bears and a can of chili.

I'm dying!

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. f*** you, team.

Vin Diesel says, "It's only domestic violence if you hit her at home."

Vin Diesel birthed the Mayan race after a heated game of Truth or Dare with Walter Matthau

All Spell Checkers are actually mini Vin Diesels inside your computer. This is possible due to the fact that when Vin Diesel is cut into pieces each piece becomes a smaller and more verbose Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel always sleeps with his right eye open in case someone attempts to steal his left eye.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack got the sh** knocked out of him by Vin Diesel.

The United States government once hired Vin to sabotage all the nuclear arsenals of every other nation in the world. Unfortunately, he failed, but the documentation of the events served as the major inspiration for the motion picture "New York Minute" starring the Olsen Twins

Vin Diesel once punched a man so hard, it killed his entire extended family and close friends

Vin Diesel never ever acts as Vin Diesel. All the time, he is impersonating an imaginary italian actor named Paolo, who is in turn impersonating Vin Diesel. Since both Paolo and Vin Diesel are first-rate impersonators, nobody ever notices. But Paolo's work has more merit, since English in not his first language.

There is a 1 in 685,000 chance that Vin Diesel will drown you in your own bath.

Vin Diesel lives at the north pole of Dagobah.

Contrary to popular beleif Lindsay Lohan does not have breasts. She is in fact growing two Vin Diesel's inside of her.

Vin Diesel sheds his skin much like a snake during the winter months and uses the excess skin to power his robot, Sparks.

Vin Diesel has been spotted holding hands with He-Man, but he claims they are just "really good friends."

When Vin Diesel reaches a difficult point in his life, he often stops and wonders, "What Would Godzilla Do?" As the answer invariably is that Godzilla would devour a schoolbus full of Japanese children, whatever Vin does seems pretty OK by comparison

Few know that in the movie "Junior", Arnold Schwarzenegger gave birth to Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel has written several Star Trek scripts to the producers of the show. Reportedly, Gene Roddenbury's favorite episode was written by Vin Diesel and filmed, but never aired due to Spock's gratuitous use of the phrase 'To the Xtreme!!'

...and this little piggy went to market, where Vin Diesel roasted it's ass just by looking at it, fed it to a tramp, then killed the tramp and buried him upside-down.

Contrary to popular belief, it was not the Israelite's trumpets which brought down the Walls of Jericho. It was Vin Diesel.

When 7-11 ran out of cola-flavored Slurpees, Vin Diesel made a Slurpee out of the 7-11. But he poured out the gross hippie cashier before putting the lid on.

Dan Brown was originally going to call his book "The Da Vin Diesel Code" but decided that would give the game away too much.

The character Boo Radley from "To Kill a Mockingbird" is based on Vin Diesel.

The contents of Vin Diesel's bellybutton include six Pogs, a 1987 Buick Skylark, and a Baldwin. Which Baldwin is it? We may never know.

Vin Diesel can cut glass with his nipples.

Vin Diesel lives in a pineapple under the sea.

K I'm done...

[imtheoneandonlyD]

rotf...i dont think ive ever laughed at so many things in the morning. This thread rocks.

[Damien]

SWEETNESS!!! Chuck Norris is so0o0o0o much better than Vin Diesel and that goes for the jokes above...

Nothing is better than a good laugh in the morning! Until you roll outta bed and hit your head on a table.

too bad a saw the real Chuck Norris on an episode of Yes Dear and...and...it was sad.

[Damien]

And some more...

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tatoo of an identical beard underneath.

Chuck Norris once made love to a lesbian gorilla.

Chuck Norris has a secret room of Barbie's which can only be unlocked through a spell that is found in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire".

The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.

Chuck Norris did start the fire.

Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.