Red States // Blue States

fredjacksonsan · #1 10-03-2005, 12:02 PM

Dear Red States...
We (the state of California) have decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the former slave states. We get stem cell research, the Great Lakes, and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be Pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty, abortion, or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

AlmostStock · #2 10-03-2005, 01:00 PM

Cute, but what's to debate? I assume that who ever wrote it did their homework and all the figures are true. (and funny)

thrasher · #3 10-03-2005, 02:10 PM

I also don't see much for actual debate...have no idea whether the numbers are correct, don't really care much either. Good stuff.

Tehvisseeus · #4 10-04-2005, 12:54 AM

For the record, many in Southern California would like to split from the north for it is a barren wasteland of nothing useful. We hope to form our own red state and look forward to watching the demise of the North.

Wow, this is kinda fun haha

audiophile420 · #5 10-04-2005, 01:03 AM

go blue team

fredjacksonsan · #6 10-04-2005, 06:54 AM

I thought it was funny that this comes out in 2005, after the Civil War was fought almost 150 years ago about basically the same thing.

YogsVR4 · #7 10-04-2005, 04:31 PM

If we could cut off Detroit (and believe me, the rest of the state would be behind that 100%) Michigan would go from blue to red and reclaim all that fantastic fresh water.

TexasF355F1 · #8 10-04-2005, 04:51 PM

HAHA, that's pretty funny. The author forgot that yall would also get all the welfare recipients.

We also can get "good weed" because we also have Alaska.

thrasher · #9 10-04-2005, 04:52 PM

Let's just eliminate Detroit alltogether, you can still go red, and we'll all be happy.

Rally Sport · #10 10-04-2005, 05:11 PM

I say that we'll be happy dating our sisters. Thank you.

BNaylor · #11 10-04-2005, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tehvisseeus

For the record, many in Southern California would like to split from the north for it is a barren wasteland of nothing useful. We hope to form our own red state and look forward to watching the demise of the North.

Wow, this is kinda fun haha

lol.

I was waiting for someone to say that. The last time I checked San Diego and Orange Counties along with others in So. Cal. were predominantly Conservative - Repub. Plus there's a Republican Governor Mr. Terminator (Arnold) himself. Go figure.

Plus on another issue addressed of Blue v. Red, the Red states have just about all the key Air Force Bases, Forts, and military installations.

Succeeding from the Union is the dumbest thing I've heard lately.

Muscletang · #12 10-04-2005, 05:56 PM

Yeah, you're getting a whole hell of a lot!

P.S. Here's this new country's flag...

carrrnuttt · #13 10-04-2005, 06:15 PM

Who gives a fuck either way?

We're one nation, and we need to start acting like it, instead of calling each other all kinds of names, labelling each other, and letting each other get swayed by the idiot extremes, how about we also see what we all have in common?

Republican, Democrat - till I see evidence to the contrary, you're all sheep.

**************

This freakin' voting for party-lines has got to stop. I voted for a Democratic Presidential candidate last election, for my own reason, other than that partisan crap you Democratic sheep would spew, but voted to keep the Republican Senators in my state, not because the Republican sheep convinced me. I also chose each other candidate on the ballot for research I did on each, no matter what Party they were from. I mean, am I the only one that is capable of doing this?

I understand I might sound pompous in that last assumption, but the way some of you blabber in here about each party, I really don't get that impression. It's like when I was in high-school, with the little cliques bickering against each other.

fredjacksonsan · #14 10-04-2005, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carrrnuttt

Who gives a fuck either way?

We're one nation, and we need to start acting like it, instead of calling each other all kinds of names, labelling each other, and letting each other get swayed by the idiot extremes, how about we also see what we all have in common?

Republican, Democrat - till I see evidence to the contrary, you're all sheep.

**************

This freakin' voting for party-lines has got to stop. I voted for a Democratic Presidential candidate last election, for my own reason, other than that partisan crap you Democratic sheep would spew, but voted to keep the Republican Senators in my state, not because the Republican sheep convinced me. I also chose each other candidate on the ballot for research I did on each, no matter what Party they were from. I mean, am I the only one that is capable of doing this?

I understand I might sound pompous in that last assumption, but the way some of you blabber in here about each party, I really don't get that impression. It's like when I was in high-school, with the little cliques bickering against each other.

Best post on the subject yet, IMO. In a country as large as this one, we should have more than 2 viable political parties.

PBking82 · #15 10-04-2005, 09:51 PM

Right I love how when you were in highschool or maybe even college, in history class and talking about the constitution the teachers always say how political parties were part of the "unwritten constitution" then the teachers would always flip out on me because i would be like "well maybe political parties aren't part of the unwritten constitution, maybe they left political parties out of the constitution for a reason." I hate parties, and what i hate even more about parties is how if you're not registered to a party than you cannot vote in a primary!! WTF is up with that? how are regular people supposed to get elected if they don't agree with any one parties perticular views? LIKE ME! I agree with some democratic views, but I also agree with some republican views. It's like why the fuck do you decide where you stand before you've even heard the issue!!! I seriously cannot stand the political system in this country, and if I could afford to move out I most definatly would. It's like as soon as someone try's do to do something for "the greater good" they have to worry about losing votes because of stupid people. Just pisses me off to no end. Peace-

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