Fatherhood

[MagicRat]

How many of you out there have children?
Since the average AF user is about half my age, I expect not too many of you have kids.

My wife is expecting her first child (so far, I think its mine ) in 6 months. I have lots of neices and nephews so I have an idea about how my life will change, but I would like to hear from any other dads (or mothers) here about how their lives changed when the first kid arrived.

If you don't have any kids, any particular observations on how your own dad was a good or bad father to you?

Thank you.

[Oz]

What is the rest of your life like - career wise, friends, extended family, financial stability, marriage, etc. ?

Some of my friends have had kids young (<19) and done it very tough, others who have 20 more years life experience and money have fared much better.

Get good support systems in place, work out your values/morals and priorities because you are about to pass them on to another human being for the next 20 years.

[ec437]

I'm 17 and I can't even fathom having a kid at this point in my life. Anyone that does so is simply stupid.

About my dad though, he's a pretty good father, with one exception: he has yet to set up my trust fund.

[lazysmurff]

im 21 with no kids, but i can tell you this:

get your kid a library card, and let them read anything and everything they want.

its the greatest thing my parents ever did for me.

[kublah]

First of all, congratulations on the upcoming birth of your child. I know lots of guys who have just recently had their first child, and the sense that I get from them is that if you're really ready for it, it's the greatest thing in the world. And if you're not, well... It's not...

I'm 26, and though I've slowly come around to accepting the fact that I'm an "adult" I still cannot imagine myself as a father. Honestly, I'm still very much on the fence as to whether or not I want children at all. Sadly, I think my reasons for shying away from it are purely selfish, in that I'm too interested in spending my time and money on the trifling things that I want to do without someone else holding a permanent interest. Maybe this will go away as I get a little older, who knows...

I think in order for anyone to be a good father, they have to be willing to put themselves at the bottom of their own list of priorities. My dad did that, and I owe a large part of the person that I am today to the sacrifices that he made for the good of my family, even when it damn near killed him.

My dad was kind of hard on me sometimes, and I resented this sometimes as a kid because it's hard for a child to understand their father's perspective and what they're trying to teach them. I'd say do your best to explain yourself, your own experiences, and make sure your child knows that you're looking out for them even if they don't recognize it at the time. Now I know that my dad isn't the asshole that I thought he was sometimes, he's just a normal guy who did the best that he knew how. Sure it wasn't perfect, but who is?

And sort of on the note that lazysmurff hit with the books, I didn't have a working television in my house until I was about 6 years old, and I think that was one of the best things that could have happened to me. My family had a had a broken, busted up old set that sat in my parents' closet for years gathering dust. My sister and I would occasionally sit there looking at the blank screen imagining and talking about what we might be watching, and we entertained ourselves just as well as if we had been mindlessly staring at something actually coming over the airwaves.

Too many children these days are raised by their televisions. Even when TV was a fact of life for me, we had Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers to teach us about math, personal relationships, and the power of our imaginations. Now, the Teletubbies keep kids dumbed down to the lowest common denominator with mindless, purley meaningless yet totally captivating sensory input to keep them occupied while their parents take a breather and get their next dose of ritalin ready.

All sorts of family cars are marketed these days with the standard DVD entertainment package, but I'll be damned if I ever buy one. The young human mind is not meant to spend all its time staring at animated pixels it has already seen a hundred times while the world outside passes by un-noticed at just above the speed limit. My kids, if that ever happens, will count out of state licence plates and be forced to find ways to entertain themselves or be bored to death. I bet the'll hate it at the time, but I know they'll be better off for it in the end, just like I am today.

Sorry if that turned into a rant, but this is one of the few things I feel really strongly about.

[AlmostStock]

Originally Posted by kublah

Honestly, I'm still very much on the fence as to whether or not I want children at all. Sadly, I think my reasons for shying away from it are purely selfish, in that I'm too interested in spending my time and money on the trifling things that I want to do without someone else holding a permanent interest.

How can you be considered selfish in regards to someone that doesn't even exist? If someone feels like they'd rather not sign up for the commitment and responsibility of bringing children into the world for what ever reason there is nothing wrong with that. They are not denying anyone anything.

I couldn't agree more with the rest of your post, you certainly would make a good parent, if and when you decide to become one.

[fredjacksonsan]

Hey MagicRat, first of all congrats. There's a LOT that will change, and much that won't. There's good and bad, but the good far outweighs the bad IMO.

First, you get the baby home, put him/her on the bed, and basically say, "Ok, now what do we do?". That's the funny part.

Things that will change right away will be that someone will have to get up to feed the baby every 2-3 hours for at least a month, or maybe more. If your wife is nursing, it will be her so make sure to be nice to her, especially when she looks extra tired. If it's formula, be ready to share in the duties (and to rejoice when, at 6 months or so, the baby takes the bottle and holds it themself at 3 o'clock in the morning). After a month or month and a half, you'll lie awake wondering if the baby is ok when they've slept for 5 hours. This is a good thing, expecially after you see them sleeping away and go have a celebration with the spouse about getting more sleep soon.

A healthy baby will cry when hungry, wet, cold, hot, uncomfortable, or lonely. After a bit you'll be able to tell the difference, and if you're tuned in to the wee one you'll hear the first couple of sounds that signal it's time for the bottle to be ready, or the diaper needs to go.

Speaking of diapers, I've heard of plenty of people that gagged the first couple; but after awhile it's no big deal, and gets automatic. Baby wakes up? Diaper. Going to sleep? Check diaper. Feeding? Diaper. Smell? You get the picture. You'll probably have some funny poo stories that you and your wife can share.

Easy transition to carrying around baby supplies, get a backpack or something for it all, and restock when you get home. Get used to leaving about 10-15 mins after you planned, as putting together baby supplies can take awhile (especially in winter).

Unless you've got a babysitter, plan on not getting hammered at the same time as your wife, and also leaving places you've gone to early; while the baby's little you might want to head home to match naptime and such. As he/she gets older it won't matter as much.

Porta-crib = Unfolds from a 6"x6"x3' package into about a 3'x4' crib. Perfect for when you're not home, although I used mine for naps at home also.

I've blathered on quite a bit, hope this is the kind of stuff you were after. Most of all, enjoy seeing the world through a new set of eyes, and teaching the little critter everything.

[Andydg]

Originally Posted by MagicRat

If you don't have any kids, any particular observations on how your own dad was a good or bad father to you?

Thank you.

Overall I think my dad has done a good job with me...I'm not a murderer and I want to succeed in life. But he is kinda mentally abusive which is never fun. Nothing I do is ever good enough, nothing I own is worth owning, and I'll "never succeed because I'm a worthless peice of shit." But he does help me with things when I ask him for help (building my computer, fixing my car, and my math homework).

[PBking82]

Whatsup, I used to say I never ever would have kids and that was mainly because my father was an absolute bastard to me and didn't want to end up like that to my child. Now I've reconsidered that and will have have a couple of kids whenever I'm ready. For the past 4 months I've been taking care of my now 4month old nephew for like 12+ hours a day. There are good and bad things about kids. Certain times you will seriously want to kill him/her because they've been crying for like 4 hours and there is no reason for them to be unhappy(i.e. been fed, burped, changed, played with) and thats when you just put them down and let them cry themselves to sleep. Getting up in the middle of the night is also very trying especially if you are working at the same time. But those days when they just smile and giggle and are just happy to be around you make up for all the bad shit. Another thing is that you and your partner need to be really close and have a stable relationship, because if you're arguing about who's turn it is to get up at 4:30 a screaming baby in the background increases stress greatly. And be prepared to not go out for awhile because it is very hard to find a babysitter for a kid less than 6 months old, and due to this be preparred for your girl to scream at you telling you that you never take her out anymore. Having a baby is a real test of your realationship. Now when the kid gets older don't rely on books/experts to tell you how to raise him/her because it'll be more of a headache than its worth. Just use your best judgement. By this point you'll have figured quite a few things out so you'll know what to do. Congrats, good luck, and don't raise a spoiled brat because this world allready has way too many of those. Peace-

Congrats on tha baby. I totaly agree with fred. Having a new baby is a big challange at first. Espacily for tha mother. My baby boy had collic. he cried all tha time day and night non stop. Hubby had to work so I felt Guilty about asking for help, so I walked tha floor with him all tha time. I literly got no sleep for 2 weeks. I was a nervous wreck, there was times I would cry along with my son cuz I was so exausted and in pain from the c-section. I refused to take pain pills. On top of this hubby couldent feed him cuz I was nursing. My choice. He tried to help where he could, to that I was greatfull. After about 3 months or so things finaly calmed down.


Word of advice, allways tell your partner how beautiful she is and how much you love her during this time. Support her in every way and dont be affraid to change a diper. Help out around tha home. if she breaks down and cries, hold her close and comfert her. Take turns getting up with tha baby. Keep your mind together. Trust me it is hard for both of you at first. I have 2 beautiful children. I love them more than tha world. A child is a life long comenment. Not just 20 years as a lot of people think. Enjoy every moment with your child and make tha best of it. Allways look at tha posative side. And dont forget to make special time for you and your woman. That is verry important. A child will test you every chance they get. Dont sleep with your baby, this will lead to a bad habbit. From tha start make tha baby sleep in his/her own room. It was hard for me to do that at first but it worked out for the best. Trust me. There is a lot more but it will have to be learned along tha way. Oh, most important, if you are frustrated DONT HOLD THA BABY. Let him/her lye in tha crib and cry till you calm down. Tha baby will be fine.

lol, oh if it is a boy, remember when you change his diper to cover his tally wacker. When it goes off it goes every where. I dont know how many times I went to change my boys diper and I got pee right in my face..

[fredjacksonsan]

Heh heh, very true. I haven't been a victim, but have seen it happen.

[PBking82]

Originally Posted by karmacae

lol, oh if it is a boy, remember when you change his diper to cover his tally wacker. When it goes off it goes every where. I dont know how many times I went to change my boys diper and I got pee right in my face..

That's helarious because my nephew has never ever done that and I've been changing his diapers since he was a little over a month old. He also started sleeping through the night (8+ hours) when he was like 3 months which is very cool. But, that is because we're lucky if he naps more than a hour during the day. He just started teething so (almost 5 months old) that is a bundle of fun. . Peace-

[fredjacksonsan]

The 100% juice popsicles work GREAT for teething.

[MagicRat]

Thank you for the advice, folks. It's much appreciated.

I agree completely on the coments made about TV and taking time to spend with the child. I have seen, first hand from friends and relative's children that too much TV and video games leads to social problems with the kids.
Children are smarter, better in school and socially better adjusted if the parents take time to interact with the child, through play, reading together, participating in out door activities and just talking together.

However, its easy for me to say that now, since my parenting career has not even started. I might feel differently in about, oh, say 5 years.