Friday Funny

[darkness]

A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded
skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car.

She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."

[darkness]

CBS NEWS: It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured
this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade
Centre in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled
an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern
Afghanistan. Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events
unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had
sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside,
and the little prick just popped up!

[darkness]

Question: What is a bastard exactly?

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, “What is a bastard?”

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

[taranaki]

good stuff buddy,keep'em coming!

[darkness]

This one unlucky son of a bitch!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast
passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A
person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even
though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined
as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain
death, but probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands. In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast
emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were
arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man
was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his
wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus. When
one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the
murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun
was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't
actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the
part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt
to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten
story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered
himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)

[darkness]

THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS!!

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen
pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely
drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen it is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York, contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of
seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12ft 4in)
and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was
officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134
washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

[darkness]

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.

The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on." So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances."

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.

The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's really pissed."

The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me fuck squaw!! Left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph, condom go 'oomph, left nut go 'BOOM'!"

[darkness]

"Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"

1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

5. Nuttin' beats mutton.

6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

7. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

8. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

[Gonthrax]

Originally posted by darkness
"Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"

1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

5. Nuttin' beats mutton.

6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

7. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

8. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

Awwww damnit darkness, you just had to go there didn't you???

[Spec2 Girl]

OMG we've created a monster!!! :hehehe:

[darkness]

Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
OMG we've created a monster!!! :hehehe:

I was already a monster.

[Spec2 Girl]

Originally posted by darkness


I was already a monster.

awwww maybe a not a monster!

[darkness]

Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
awwww maybe a not a monster!

Can't I be both?

[Gonthrax]

Originally posted by darkness


Can't I be both?

No, you can't because... Well... It just wouldn't be right:finger:

[Spec2 Girl]

Originally posted by darkness


Can't I be both?

If you really want to, you can be both. I'll let you.