More humor - at least I hope

[YogsVR4]

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES+-+-+-++-+-

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* William Kelly was fed secretary
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer Bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

[hakka]

These are good Where do you find them?

[hermunn123]

i love those kinds of things!!! blind woman hasnt seen dad in years.....hahahahaha. i love stating the obvious. i had some funny ones like that...lemme see if i can find them

[hermunn123]

i found it after an exstensive 2 minute search. enjoy...


Actual excepts from Church Newsletters...

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

Scouts are saving Aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

[hermunn123]

man, i'm going crazy with these things.....

REAL CLASSIFIED ADS FROM ACTUAL NEWSPAPERS

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

[YogsVR4]

Hey Hermunn123 - those are pretty damn good!

[Lizard King]

Hilarious. I dunno what else to say.

[hakka]

haha...weight watchers LOL

[primera man]

Originally posted by hermunn123



Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

hahaha like it !!!!

[Jay!]

I thought the church-y ones were particularly funny. Good work, both of you.