Texas Chili

[goldz28]

>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
>to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
>other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
>spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
>tasting, so I accepted".
>
>
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
>CHILI # 2 - JERRYS AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
>when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
>CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
>all of the beer.
>
>
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
>is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
>chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
>CHILI # 5 SANDIES LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
>lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
>screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>
>CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic. Superb.
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
>that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
>snow cone.
>
>
>
>CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
>any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
>4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
>CHILI # 8 - RANDYS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chili?
>Judge # 3 - No Report
>

[blindside.AMG]

Nice! Funny as hell too!

Did they give you anything to "clear the pallet" before introducing a new chili? I mean, it seems kind of unfair for the last couple guys cuzz you can't really taste shit since your mouth is on fire.

[crayzayjay]

[goldz28]

I thought you guys might like this one.

[drewh4386]

Originally Posted by goldz28

I thought you guys might like this one.

DAMN RIGHT!!

[Raz_Kaz]

still funny

Thats funny. It is true the hotter the better. I cant seem to get it hot enough for my bunch

[thrasher]

Re to the post

[ac427cpe]

haven't heard this in a while, always hallarious!

[ac427cpe]

haven't heard this in a while, always hallarious!

[mysatilac]

That is funny haven't seen it recently,
For real though,
MMMMmmm... Real Texas Chili! lived here my whole life, spicy food is part of my life, I shock some Texans with my love of red pepper, and really hot hot wings (some of the ones they sell down here probably could peel paint)
Wonder if anyone used this stuff http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbul...d.php?t=408473 Read the first post, this stuff could kill!

[ec437]

hehe... I found a place you can buy that stuff: http://www.sweatnspice.com/proddetail.php?prod=429

[blindside.AMG]

Oh, I thought this story was real. Boy do I feel dumb.

[mysatilac]

Originally Posted by blindside.AMG

Oh, I thought this story was real. Boy do I feel dumb.

Dont worry, if it was real it would have been that much funnier,

[mysatilac_Sucks]

not really...