Super Girl Confusion.

[2strokebloke]

So there's this girl who has been my friend for about four years. I told her I loved her a couple weeks ago, and now she won't talk to me, or let me come over to her house!
Sheesh! I feel bad, but mostly confused - I mean who hates complements? I tried to talk to her after that, and she says it creeps her out that I keep trying to talk to her.
Anyway, I have no idea why I got such a negative reaction, I'd have to say I've been a little shocked, she never had any problems being around me before, I tell her I like her and she acts like I'm the biggest creeper on the planet.
Oh well, I'm mightily perplexed, and it just bugs the hell out of me. I don't want to lose a long time friend just because I told them how I feel.

[Steel]

That's the thing with women. She thought of you as a friend, and only that. Once you admitted that you loved her, it changed everything for her. It's usually one of those things that's really really hard to reverse. I'm sure your intentions were good, but now she's going to be worried about the things you say, if they're a come on or whatnot.

Give her some time man. Like, a couple months. Afterwards call her up, apologize for what happened and tell her that the last thing you wanted out of this was to lose her friendship. Then give her some more time. She'll either come around or she won't.

And forget aobut dating her.

[Oz]

Bang her best friend and see how fast she's on the phone.

On a more serious note - give her some space. She's probably trying to work out where she stands with you - and she's also probably questioning where she stands with the rest of her guy friends too.

Give her a week of no contact, then something casual and informal like a movie or something.

[2strokebloke]

Originally Posted by Steel

That's the thing with women. She thought of you as a friend, and only that. Once you admitted that you loved her, it changed everything for her. It's usually one of those things that's really really hard to reverse. I'm sure your intentions were good, but now she's going to be worried about the things you say, if they're a come on or whatnot.

Give her some time man. Like, a couple months. Afterwards call her up, apologize for what happened and tell her that the last thing you wanted out of this was to lose her friendship. Then give her some more time. She'll either come around or she won't.

And forget aobut dating her.

Funny thing is she wanted to date me a couple years ago, but I was too shy at the time (it takes me a long long time to be comfortable around people), I told her I wasn't even asking her to be with me, simply that I wanted to tell her how I felt. Oh well.

[RickwithaTbird]

Imagine how you would feel if some girl that you were friends with for 4 years told you she loved you. And it can't be HER. It has to be another girl that you hadn't considered dating for a long time.

I would be freaked out too. Like OZ says, which is probably the smartest thing anyone could have said, is that she may be just trying to figure out where she stands with you, and then of course, all the rest of her guy friends. (that's the explanation you are hoping for).

The other possibility, is that she has totally forgotten about the idea going out with you. If she says its creepy that you keep trying to talk to her... dont keep calling. Take a while, and figure out exactly what you would want to say if you could only say one more thing to her, and let her know that you just want to say one thing, and tell her.

I think it should be somewhere along these lines...

You are a very good friend of mine, and I don't want to lose our friendship. The reason I told you what I did is because I have realized that I care about you more than just as a friend, and I could accept you as more than a friend. I didn't mean to creep you out. Im sorry.

You can add on to that depending on what your feelings are. But think about it really. Can you two ever go hang out again without it feeling different? I don't think you can, unless you have some ultra smooth sensitive shit to bust out on her. I think the best way to go about this is to tell her that you do want to be more than just friends, and she should take some time to think about it, for you. If she decides she doesn't want to, then she should call you back and let you know how she wants to handle it. Don't be the dude that freaked her out and won't leave her alone. Say your peace, and let her get back to you. Don't say that you're cool with being friends if the reason you told her that is because deep down, it tortured you to be so close but so far from her. Be honest with yourself, and tell her exactly how you feel. Then back off.

[fredjacksonsan]

Steel and Oz have it right; chill for a bit, then get in touch about the friendship thing. She's your friend, she'll come around.

[ghostrx7]

agreed, time can heal alot.thats really weird tho cause my ex g/f has a friend she says i luv u to all the time. people have a different perspective on love. i luv my dog. doesnt mean i want to be with her! if u give her enough time and she cant get over or even talk about it, she may have not been as good a friend as u thought. i also had a friend that was a girl that hung around with me almost everyday.i was attracted to her but i dont think the feelings were mutual. she used to kiss me goodnight and tell me she loved me, but when i wanted to hook up, she didnt want to ruin or friendship. well, i ended the friendship cause it was killing me to see her and know i couldnt have her. she still says she hates me for breaking off the friendship, but i say i still hate her for not being with me. sometimes u have to cut someone off and redecide if it is worth ur time. i know i made the right decision, now she has to make hers!

[Gohan Ryu]

Supergirl confusion? She wears red and blue tights (just like Superman), flies, comes from Krypton...what's the confusion?

[crayzayjay]

Chill for a bit, then let her make the first move. If something like this is enough to make her want to avoid you she isn't a friend worth keeping.

[Jay!]

I think Steel, Oz, RickwithaTbird and the others have all posted great thoughts on what's gone on here, but I think I'll yap about it for a minute, too.

2SB, I feel sorry for you, and the position you're in now. I'm afraid I don't have a great answer as to how to resolve your situation with this woman, other than to reiterate: I'd give her plenty of space. I'd probably give even more than the others recommended. If you end up talking to her about it, you tell her that you're confused and you need your own space.

What I do want to do, is point out a couple things that you never saw coming. They're things I would have never realized myself, until I had someone point them out to me. I know it won't feel like it helps you now, and to be honest, I think you may have to write this girl off, and chalk it up to "life experience." That said, here are the issues:

Young women won't consider a romantic relationship if they don't feel attraction.

While us men are constantly derided for feeling attraction to women based on looks, the truth is men are much more likely to find a woman they are not initially physically attracted to, and then "fall in love" as they get to know her and become attracted to her personallity.

For young women, this process is completely different.

Young women base (almost) everything on attraction. A young woman is able to determine very quickly (though often subconciously) if she feels attraction to a man, and how strongly. For women, this attraction is a product of the man's confidence, independence and challenge.

Speculating on your situation: She could have been attracted to you because you were shy, especially if she also knew you you were passionate about other interests at the same time. Depending on the circumstances, this could have appeared to her as independence and a non-intretest in her, which made her want to persue you. However, your shyness also kept you from approaching her on your terms, and establishing yourself as a suitor and sexual interest, as oppposed to just a friend.

In the meantime, you became friends. As you opened up to her, you probably did it in a "I'm harmless," friendly way, not in a "manly," suitor-ly way. (again, all speculation.)

Women are not attracted to their friends.

When you have a relationship with a woman in a friendly way, as opposed to a suitor-ly way, she puts you into a mental classification that is for all intents and purposes, asexual. You become "like a brother," literally.

The next step in her thought process is easy:
"He [a person equivalent to a brother] is in love with me?!? GROSS!!! CREEPY!!!"

At least, that's her point of view. Which, when expressed like that, will make sense to most men. But for the differences I explained above, the man won't consider, because he is blinded by his attraction to her, and he fails to stop and judge whether she feels any attraction for him. Of course, the problem is that once you're "just a friend," you're 99.999984% stuck as "just a friend."

Are you in the friend zone? Check it:
http://www.outpostnine.com/editorials/zonetest.html

That quiz hits all the main points. What's your score?

Advanced reading:
Are you familiar with ladder theory?
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

A man talking about his feelings will kill the attraction a woman feels for him.

In sexual relationships, men say things with their actions, not their words. Men should never discuss their every hope, wish and dream with their romantic interests. Save it until you're married.

You might at this point say to the monitor; perhaps directly to the picture of Christopher Lloyd currently acting as my surrogate internet face: "WTF? Why? Isn't that a cold, heartless way to deal with people?"

And I reply: I didn't say people, I say "romantic interests." There's a major difference. One of the strongest elements of attraction for a woman is a sense of mystery about a man. It's a challenge for her to try and understand you. The less you give her, the more she wants. So the best thing to do to keep her level of attraction high in this regard is to give her insights into you in small chunks, like a trail of bread crumbs.

I can't really write anymore without going off on to any number of tangental subjects. You can PM me if you're interested in WAY MORE, or if you want to discuss in particular detail...

Disclaimers: I wrote "young women" in some parts of this post. As women get older, they are more likely to "fall in love with a friend," that is: let a man make a transition from friend to lover. This is partially because they are more interested in finding a stable relarionship, and the qualities that land you squarely in the Friend Zone with younger women (stability, dependability) are more attractive to women that are at a point where they're more family-minded.

[fairladyz_gt-r]

Man...that sux..its always like that the girl u really really care for don't give a shit about u...the one u don't give a shit about are always all over u.

[hopeless4life]

Well in my years of experience with women and relationships, I have come to the realization, after the most recent relationship ended is that all women are good for is to be friends with and to F*%$. The last girl ditched me 2 wks ago for unspecified reasons, the only girl i've ever loved, And I had a revelation, sex is better than relationships, so like Oz said I called the best friend and now i got a smokin hot fuck friend, so all ain't lost man just find another chic. And always remember grasshopper Love cars not women

[2strokebloke]

Good thing I'm not one of her best friends then... And according to the test thingy, I'm slightly outside of the zone. Possible hope, but it never really mattered whether I got to be with her or not, I was mostly just upset that I upset her.

[RickwithaTbird]

sounds pretty upsetting. I hope she comes around to the idea. I have once told a girl that I love her, without meaning it in a sexual way. She was all about it. We have known each other for almost 5 years, and I think it was about a year, or a year and a half ago, that I told her, basically:

We've been friends for a really long time, and I've really started to care about you a lot. I think at this point, I don't just think of you a friend, we have a stronger relationship than just friends, and I love you.

It was pretty close to that, and she was totally cool with it. She tells me she loves me, and likes to hear it back. She has a boyfriend, and I had a girlfriend when I told her that, and we always talk to each other about our problems, especially in relationships. And we talk about sex a lot too. Theres no jealousy involved at all, but I know for a fact that if I wanted to be with her, I could. I wouldn't mind that either, but theres a few things I told her she would have to change if her and I were to ever get together. Its one of those underlying possibilities for the future, and we talk about it. So, basically it's not impossible to be on those grounds with a girl, you just have to realize what kind of a reaction might come from the words "I Love You", if you don't set it up right. At this point, the girl has been weirded out, and needs some time to remember that its just you. Once that happens, it may be best to avoid the topic, unless she brings it up. But whatever you do, like I said, you have to be honest with yourself, and honest with her. If you love her like a sister, you need to tell her that. If you love her because you care about her so much, but you don't view her as a sister, then tell her that. If you love her because you think everything about her is perfect, and you wish that you could be with a girl like her forever, then tell her that. You want to get her real reaction about what it is you really want, because if you kinda sugar coat it just because you are afraid of scaring her off again, then you will eventually regret it and want to tell her the truth anyways, which would scare her off once and for all. So basically, wait for her to initiate a conversation, and when she does, don't beat around the bush, that just makes it harder.