The WIERDEST thing that's happened to me since my friend sat on a cucumber.

[Cyprus106]

So I had dated this girl a few months and we broke up July 4thish. I saw her at a party with some new dood, which i didn't give a shit about. But she was pretty tipsy and when I got there she started hanging all over me, which pissed me off cuz i didn't want her around me. So I told her to fuck off and never talk to me again. She got really pissed, my friends and i drank some and got ready to go to a sorority party. She was screaming at her best friend about me, cuz she was drunk. and she wanted to leave. I jus happened to be walking to my car and she tried to hit me with hers, while drunk. gunned it and Swerved to hit me. Yeh, I can pick em. I'd been drinking all day, so i was in one of those moods where it's like 'just fuckin clobber me, I don't give a shit.' But I moved and she missed and got stuck behind some doods car and we just drove through the lawn cuz that's what a Jeep is good for. My roommate's driving my car and she gets half a foot away from my bumper and lays on the horn doing 60. Shes swerving and shit were laughing cuz we're throwing beer cans out the back of the open top at her windshield. I'm still a little agitated that she tried to kill me. whatever. We finally turned and she went straight. Hadn't talked to her since. Then New Years came around and I threw a little party at my house. She ended up showing up but she made some excuse and left pretty quick when she found out it was my place. So I called 911 and told them she was drunk and driving, which she was, to get back at her for TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME. The cops drove around the neighborhood a few times and they've been known to enter houses on suspicion before. So everyone got a little edgy when they made rounds. A cop came and sat out front our house around 2:30. Some friends and I decided to stand out there and see what was going on. So we were standing outside smoking, cops sitting in her car 50 feet away and my cell phone rings. Don't recognize the number. This is the exact conversation, to the best of my memory.
Me: "Hello?"
Unknown person: "Is this Matthew Holmes?"
me: "Yeah! "
unknown person: "Do you live at 5302 Currituck Ln?"
me: "uuh... yeah?"
(now I'm a bit curious. Usually bill collectors or calls that start like this come between 9-5, not 2:30 AM. )
unknown person: "Are you talking on your cell phone outside your house smoking?"
(Now I'm a bit freaked, and being drunk, of course it was a bit amplified)
me: ".............yeah?"
unknown person: "Would you please step over to the squad car for a minute?"

Yeah it was the cop. Called me on my CELL PHONE. Had NO IDEA.
I friggin STUMBLE over to the car. She kinda grilled me on some of the shit we'd gotten into that night. Saw the people inside cuz some dumbass (me) forgot to close the blinds. She asked me about the people inside, if they were all of age, cuz they didn't look it. of course, officer! (I'm pretty sure not one of them was)
Said they'd had some noise complaints, and complaints about public drunkenness. No we've been inside all night, officer. But I was grinning and snickering like a deusch cuz I knew EXACTLY where the public drunkenness complaints came from. We'd been playing football with beer cans instead of a ball earlier in the street and we stopped when a can landed on a car and put a nice size dent, as well as exploding AND setting off the car alarm. Actually the drunk guy that ran into the car set off the alarm but it's more dramatic to say the can did it. But some lady stuck her head otu her back porch and flipped the light on and off over and voer to try to get us to shut up so our cross-the-street neighbors threw cans in her general direction and she went back away.
S then she asked me if I Was the one shooting off the fireworks around here. I said no but that they were keeping me awake (which was about the mots obvious lie I'd ever done, but hey, i was drunk.) So not 15 seconds after I'd said it, someone up the street shot off another firework. They'd been shooting off those bigass ones all night. And she's like "I'll take care of it." and drove off. I can only assume she'd gotten my number from the 911 call and came y to check it out to make sure but she never even asked me about it. You'd think it'd be the first thing she says. I dunno but I was not sober and it was so obvious. ROFL i swear i didn't blink for like 2 hours. But I think I DID get my ex caught from what i understand. stupid bitch.

[-Josh-]

hehehe....good story

The revenge part was a little extreme, but then again, she did try to kill you. Oh well, i found it entertaining.

[publicenemy137]

yep i don't believe some of it, but i'm bored at work and it was entertaining

[fredjacksonsan]

She's psycho.

[balls_to_the_wall]

She is one crazy person...But i found the story entertaining, makes my last hour at school be more berable...

[publicenemy137]

what is up with your friend sitting on a cucumber? Tell us that story

[crayzayjay]

cucumber.... ehehhehe

[Strider Negro]

okay....so where does the whole cucumber thing come in??
btw, that was really cool the way you got back at your ex.
anyways, she hasn't called you up or anything because I would be expecting a call if you did indeed cause her to get in trouble. but oh well, that's just me being paranoid.

[ponchonutty]

I had one back when I was in college. My room mate and I had 2 girls show up. It happened to be on girl's b-day. Well, to make it short, we had the girls hog-tied to the floor and were having a great time. Unfortunately, one girl had a loud mouth which the neighbor lady didn't like and called the cops. By the time the cops showed, we were all done and were chill'n. They knocked and I looked in the peep hole. I said "shit, it's the cops"! Well, the girls and my buddy flew down stairs. Well, I kinda tool my time making myself presentable to answer the door. By this time the cop was almost knocking down my door all pissy like. So I answer it seeing a male cop standing OK with a little female cop ready to draw! It when like this...

me>Can I help you?
cops>What seems to be the problem?
me>no problem sir, I didn't call you.
cops>we were called on a domestic problem here at your residence.
me>oh no, it was just some friends having fun.
cops>well, we got a call stating that someone sounding like they were being tortured or something.
me>(snickering)oh, well that would be the girls.
cops>(looking into my place) well, where are they?
me>down in the basement
cops>well, get them up here NOW! (female cop ready to cap my ass)
me>guys, get up here....(no responce)guys, up here now. (only the girls come up)
me>see, I told you.
cops>(guy cop with an admiring look) well, take it easy and what ever you do, keep it down(smilling as he walks away and girly cop looking disgusted)

It was awsome. We laughed and laughed. I will never forget it.

[Gotti]

Originally Posted by ponchonutty

cops>well, get them up here NOW! (female cop ready to cap my ass)

I FUCKING HATE......... AND I MEAN HATE FEMALE COPS

They always act like they have something to prove, just reading that sentence i imagined a bitch cop and i started to get pissed off. And they always have to do EVERYTHING by the book, they dont give you warnings, or give you a break at all.


And atleast a guy cop goes a little easier on girls he pulls over... a bitch cop is a bitch no matter what gender you are

[sameintheend01]

good stories

[ec437]

so I am going to take a random stab in the dark here... "sat on" means f*cked, and "cucumber" means penis? uhh.... awkward...

[balls_to_the_wall]

Great story poncho...

[imtheoneandonlyD]

Originally Posted by Gotti

I FUCKING HATE......... AND I MEAN HATE FEMALE COPS

They always act like they have something to prove, just reading that sentence i imagined a bitch cop and i started to get pissed off. And they always have to do EVERYTHING by the book, they dont give you warnings, or give you a break at all.


And atleast a guy cop goes a little easier on girls he pulls over... a bitch cop is a bitch no matter what gender you are

I beg to differ. I've been let off more times by females cops than male cops.

[Gotti]

Originally Posted by imtheoneandonlyD

I beg to differ. I've been let off more times by females cops than male cops.

i'm shocked.... i guess it depends where you live.

But its bin like that in New York and in Toronto, women cops are bitches. I've NEVER met one normal one, everything was always by the book and they acted like bitches who had something to prove.