seriously confused-set me straight

[hotgrlzracin]

I’ll try to make this short w/ as much detail as i can.

Seeing a guy for over a year, we broke up 7 months ago and we have been dating. He says, "You’ve changed" i say, "You’ve changed". We argue about stupid stuff that i do. He gets pissed if he asks a yes/no question and i don't answer yes or no. I go into this great detail or story. well, fuck, this is me this is who I’ve always been and I’ve never had anyone say to me before that i do these certain little things. He’s the first to ever be annoyed by it. I said I’d work on changing those things b/c i care about him and making me a better person isn't a bad thing. Well here we are 7 months later, things get good then i piss him off over something so little and stupid to me but something that's so important to him. I try so hard and i do my best but it never seems good enough. I know he really cares about me and that he's not making this shit up just to argue, or is he? loll ;-)
anyway, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been trying so hard to change myself and to please him that I’ve really went from liking who i was to hating who i am. I am beginning to believe he doesn’t bring the best out in me and that we are just not meant to be. Yet this book I’m reading "getting the love you want" tells me otherwise. It says what we all know and that's no relationship is easy and that they all take work. I’ve been trying so hard to tuff this out b/c i really do love this guy and he does so many wonderful things for me all the time.

My question is what would you do, what do you recommend i do? Go back to being happy with who i was and saying fuck it if you don’t like the way i do something then get lost or what????

I know my answer is written right here in my own words but I’m a very indecisive at times.

Thanks for any and all comments.

K, now let me have it………

[dirtydx]

well if your reading help books, and asking for advice on the net.. something obviously isnt right. Plus if hes not comfortable with the real you, its not meant to be. Id say its time to move on.

[hotgrlzracin]

i'm all into the self help books. he thinks they are bunk just like psychics. i feel sometimes he's working against me even though i don't think he realizes it.

sometimes i think he convinced me that something was wrong with me when in reality i was just fine the way i was.

yes, perhaps it is time to move on.

i'm still interested in what others think.

thanks for responding.

[Raz_Kaz]

I don't trust help books at all. Because the person wrtign the book has not seen every type of relationship and it is a generalized perspective.

Anyhoo, trying to change yourself to please someone isn't always a bad thing. It depends on what your trying to change that is the real issue. Another thing is that there was a reason you 2 broke up after a year of dating, go back to that reason and ask yourself if you still see it, if yes then your still hung up on the fact that you lost him and thats why you want him back. Get back with more info and I'll continue

[bighauns]

Dont change who you are, there is someone who will appreciate you for who you arel

[hotgrlzracin]

i agree not all self hlep books are worht reading but the one i'm reading was writen by a phsycholigst who done a 20yr study or somtehing like that and even went through a failed marriage.

ok, we broke up b/c he stopped spending time with me and i went freaking nuts. he said he needed some time to think about things and that 90% of it wasn't me. i didn't believe him and thought he was making up some excuss in which he says to this very day that what he said was the truth. it really had nothing to do with me.
after coming down a bit i realized the damage i had done by freaking out. i pushed him away and we've been working on patching things up the last 7 months. things have been getting better but i get so frustrated that i just want to walk away from it all. then, the next day after sleeping it off, i regret wanting to end things or walk away.

we broke up b/c he coulnd't give me what i needed. we also had some trust issues. those issues have been resolved.

i hope my babling helped.

thanks

[hotgrlzracin]

Originally Posted by bighauns

Dont change who you are, there is someone who will appreciate you for who you arel

i agree. i also have to say that in a relationship you will always have something you need to work on about yourself that might not make the ohter person happy.


he also says i have a tendecy to make excusses for everything. which is prolly what im dong with the above statement. and, which is somethin i never realized i did until he started pointing it out to me.
that's one of the things that bohters him and that "i need to work on before we can be in a relationship again".-his words.

i guess its damned if i do danmed if i don't

[Raz_Kaz]

Originally Posted by hotgrlzracin

i agree not all self hlep books are worht reading but the one i'm reading was writen by a phsycholigst who done a 20yr study or somtehing like that and even went through a failed marriage.

Im sure that a person who failed a marriage shouldn't be giving advice on relationships, lol
jk

ok, we broke up b/c he stopped spending time with me and i went freaking nuts. he said he needed some time to think about things and that 90% of it wasn't me. i didn't believe him and thought he was making up some excuss in which he says to this very day that what he said was the truth. it really had nothing to do with me.
after coming down a bit i realized the damage i had done by freaking out. i pushed him away and we've been working on patching things up the last 7 months. things have been getting better but i get so frustrated that i just want to walk away from it all. then, the next day after sleeping it off, i regret wanting to end things or walk away.

we broke up b/c he coulnd't give me what i needed. we also had some trust issues. those issues have been resolved.

i hope my babling helped.

thanks

If it has nothing to do with you then why are you tryging to change yourself? What is it that you are trying to change and what was it about him that gave him the idea he is faulty and the relationship must end?

[hotgrlzracin]

lol agreeable.

the things i have to change are my ways of thinking.
i tend to take something and run with it instead of seeing it for what it is.
i make excusses for just about everything
there are more things but i can't seem to think of them.

as i've said, these things are so minor to me that i don't even notice i do it until he points it out.

it's a cycle, i take something out of context and run with it, he gets put off by it, tells me what i just did, i make some excusse, he gets pissed even more, i get really mad, and so on.

[hotgrlzracin]

If it has nothing to do with you then why are you tryging to change yourself? What is it that you are trying to change and what was it about him that gave him the idea he is faulty and the relationship must end?

it having nothing to do with me was all part of the begining. i believe he got passed those things that were on his mind at that time and what is going on now has nothing to do with that.

thats just it, he inst faulty. he never does anything wrong, he's always right and i am bitter about it. lol

i'm tired of hearing, "you you you you you" you do this, you do that, i'm tired of this, i'm tired of that.

ugh. so frustraited and more confused than i've ever been in my 28yrs on this earth.

[Raz_Kaz]

Originally Posted by hotgrlzracin

it having nothing to do with me was all part of the begining. i believe he got passed those things that were on his mind at that time and what is going on now has nothing to do with that.

thats just it, he inst faulty. he never does anything wrong, he's always right and i am bitter about it. lol

i'm tired of hearing, "you you you you you" you do this, you do that, i'm tired of this, i'm tired of that.

ugh. so frustraited and more confused than i've ever been in my 28yrs on this earth.

IS he right all the time? Can you really say that and convince yourself on that argument? Maybe your putting yourself to question because you THINK he is perfect, and that he does all these great things for you.
And, did you ask him what he did and what he had to get over when you were going out with him?I suggest finding that out and seeing how it played a role in the relationship.
Lastly, I'd hate to say it but if he isn't getting along with what you do all the time then that means you two are in-compatible. You've even tried changing yourself and he isn't happy, this really makes me think he did not get over what you thought he did.

[hotgrlzracin]

i was being sarcastic when i said he was always right. sorry, i should have noted that. he thinks he's always right.
i far from think he's perfect and i was about to say i woulndt change a thing but now i have to disagree w/ myself. i would want him to change that he's so hard headed when it comes to being right. he pushes it so much that it gets annoying. if i do something wrong and he knows it's wrong but i believe that i'm right and can't see how i was wrong he will argue to his death that he is right. we can't even agree to disagree half the time.

i think you are right. i've been thinking for a while that we are just not compatable. he's a logical thinker and i'm an emotional thinker. i come to know this about 6 months ago and it's also one of the things i need to work on. thinking more logically and less w/ emotions. i feel as though i've made some progress yet i don't believe he see's it.

i don't recall him telling me what it was other than it had some things to do w/ his grandfather who had died a few years ago (it was around his 3/4yr death date that he "needed some time to think")

i've not asked if he got that stuff resolved b/c we've been so consumed w/ "getting me fixed". lmao

well i'm fine just the way i am and i'll continue to work on being a better human being but as far as myself goes, i'm OK. not perfect, but OK.
either accept me for me and deal w/your own issues or realize we aren't meant to be together and move on.

i'm going to tell him that. do you think that's appropriate??? lol

[rwood13]

male or female, DO NOT go into a relationship and try to change the other person, if you dont like the way they are, you won't like the way they are going to be ...... as far as changing yourself to make someone else happy, no

[fredjacksonsan]

In every relationship, you will need to make some adjustments to make things work. Whether it's picking up your socks or whatever, it's a change you're making because you WANT it to work out. Deep down if you aren't willing to pick up your socks (for example) then maybe you don't really want to be with that person.

One thing that has helped me is an article I read that said men's brains are like waffles and women's is like spaghetti. Men concentrate on one thing, ignore everything else, and fix stuff that's in "the box" of the part of the waffle that we're looking at. Women's brains have every thought connected to every other thought somehow. Women go through the connections while men see only the immediate problem.

I know this is an oversimplification, but try making the analogy next time you're communicating with the opposite sex.

Hope that was helpful for ye.