Christmas party Stress

[Spyke^]

This is one of those things that you have to wonder if you should post it or not as it might " hurt my rep" if you get me.


The following is an email that I have written to my girlfriend to try and explain to her ( and to try and figure it out for myself ) why I am stressing so much about going to her Staff Party.

I haven't sent it to her and I don't know if I will.

You'll understand more once you read it.

This isn't the first year I have went, but I feel this way every time.

I have an idea of why, but for right now I think I should hold it back and see what you guys/gals think.




Dear xxxxxx,

I wish you could read this and go "oh, NOW I understand".

"Now I know what to say or do to help him accept who he is without feeling ashamed, and to make him understand that I love him and that together we can make it better for him so that he can be a better person".


But instead I sit here terribly confused about who I am and why I react like I do.

It's just a stupid party, why do I let myself get all worked up? Why do things like this make me panic?
What am I afraid of?

If its that bad why don't I just not go? Why is not going worse? Is it because if I don't go I'm admiting that the fear has beaten me?

How come she so looks forward to it? What's there that I can't give her? When she thinks of the party, what is she thinking? How come I don't look at it the same way?

Does that mean that I am not as important to her as I'd like to think that I am?

If that's what makes her happy, and if I love her so, then shouldn't I just keep my feelings to myself and pretend that nothings wrong?

Or, should I let her in to my heart so she can understand me? If she really undestood me would it make a difference?

Or, would I just feel more alone than I already do? Would I be just sitting in the dark wondering what went wrong?


It's questions like those that make me feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm somehow lacking whatever it is to keep you as my own.

When I look at myself in that light I hate the way I am.


What happened to me that made me the way that I am?


Who the hell am I?


I have to sit through a night where I don't want to be, where I am totally uncomfortable and smile and pretend that I am enjoying it, watching everyone including you get drunk while I stay sober ( never really enjoyed liqour) when deep down I just want the night to be over so I can have you all to myself.

I tell you that and it "upsets" you. Why is that wrong?

Have I ruined it already? Just by sending this and letting you read this would I be "bringing you down"?

How fucked up is that?

So, instead of being honest I'm expected to "grin and bear it".

I can feel however I want just don't tell anyone.

When it comes down to it, no one really gives a shit one way or the other how I feel, whether I go or not, how scared I am ( scared of what even I don't know ) or how fucked up my emotions are.
All that matters is that everyone else is happy and that they have a good time.


Yeah, Merry Christmas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So, what do you think? ( If you're just going to call me a pussy or whatever, don't bother)

Am I an anti-social bastard or what?

Ironically, I do all the tours here at work, I sometimes have 50 people at a time, do all of the Open Houses where we get 800-900 people come through and it doesn't bother me.

Once I'm actually at the Staff Party it's not so bad, but I still have to force myself to not look at my watch.

All I want is for tomorrow to be over so we can get the hell out of there.


For the record, no I don't have any gentic mutations..although I do have a big....heart!

[YogsVR4]

Two things.

1) You are a bit self absorbed. The line of "Does that mean that I am not as important to her as I'd like to think that I am?" is pretty telling. You're so concerned with how you look to her in your own mind that you are not paying attention to how she really thinks. You'll need to stop looking at everything she says or does as a statement about you.

2) Go with her and keep this stuff to yourself. Try and have a good time with her and not because you just want her to look at you in a good light, but because she is actually having fun.

You may find that some of your self doubts are wholely without merit.

[Spyke^]

Thanks Yogs.

Self absorbed? Never thought of it that way before, you may be right.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around what you are saying.

I hope that I come across in the right way here because I do want to understand myself better and I appreciate your opinion.

How do I stop what i am doing? I've been doing this for so long that I don't know any other way.

Self absorbed? Wow. I've always been the person that goes out of their way to make everyone else happy at my own expense.
I always said that if i did my job properly then you didn't even know I was here.
I don't try and do (whatever) so I can get the credit and look good. I do it because it makes me feel good to make someone else happy.

If I was self absorbed wouldn't I not go and make her not go just to serve my own purposes?
Or am I misunderstanding?

I want to be the best that I can be ( sounds like an Army commercial ) because I feel that she deserves the best.
I realize that by being this way (eg anti-social ) that I am not giving her all that I can and I don't like that.
Plus it's not much fun for me either.

Yes, I'd like to think that I am important to her because she is important to me.

Is that wrong?

I feel that because of my self doubts that I am creating a problem where none should exist.

Every time I get in a situation like this I panic and my stomach gets all tight and I would rather do anything else.

arrgh, why is this so complicated?

I do want her to have fun. Its her night.
This is for all of her hard work all year and she deserves that.
I don't think that for one minute that I'm going to make or break her night although I would like to think that if she sensed that I wasn't having a good time it would bother her.
I know it would bother me if she went to mine and i sensed she was having a bad time.
I would feel that it was my responsibility to make sure she had a good time.
Maybe, that's what I'm doing now? Maybe, because I feel it's my responsibility to make sure she has a good time (self absorbed) and i can't control that ( control issues) I panic?

When I think about going I don't think of it as fun and I don't understand that and I want to change it.

Me, me!! hehe

Btw, how much an hour do you charge? Hmm, that doesn't sound right..