jOkE tHrEaD <<< ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK>>>

[animal66]

A few other people and i came up with this idea on another thread... so here is some high quality jokes... well, i dont know what makes them high quality, but oh well.

I had to post these first....

>>>>Fun Things To Do While in your Civic.

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

2. Roll down your windows and blast out talk radio. Attempt to head bang.

3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

13. Sing without having the radio on.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

16. Ask people for Grey Poupon. (?? Must be an American one)

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. While stopped at a light, pee out the window/sunroof onto other cars.

23. Paint your car with occult symbols.

24. Keep at least five cats in the car.

25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.

26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray to roadkill.

29. Throw Spam.

30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.



>>>>>>12 Best Things To Say
>>If You're Caught Sleeping At Your Desk



12. "I'm in the management training program. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands."

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time"

7. "I wasn't sleeping. I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our company's biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:


1. "... And, finally, I pray for the future of our company. Amen."


FEEL FREE TO POST MORE!

[animal66]

>>>>18 Ways To Annoy People

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."




4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

5. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think."

6. Practice making fax and modem noises.

7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never Mind, it's gone now."

12. As much as possible: skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are.

14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

16. Go to a poetry recital. Ask repeatedly why each poem doesn't rhyme.

17. Sing along at the opera.




>>>>Actual Errors in Newspapers


"I's very happy," said Olga, a medical student in perfect English.


The house was trimmed in pink, white and blue with babies hanging from the ceiling and nursing bottles galore.

The 53-year-old candidate for the Congress, now of Little Rock, was born on a farm in Kansas City 68 years ago.


Headline: SUSPECT TAKEN IN MIAMI JEWEL CASE

We are not responsible for errors in the Calfficied Ads.


To Mr. and Mrs. Ben M. , a son, 7 lbs. 12 oz. more to come more more mor.

We have received a new shipment of Arrow shirts for men with 16 necks.

We are happy to announce the engagement of Gene Kelly to Prince Rainier. He will now become a princess.

Smokers, the next time you light up, try Chesterfields if you really want a good choke.

Ann Landers will be glad to help you with your parents. Send them to her in care of this newspaper.

The fatal accident occurred at 125th Street as the dead man was crossing the intersection.

Charles H. Horn goes to Georgia Tech to study unclear physics.

LBJ COLD ALMOST OVER, FUNERAL TRIP STILL UNCERTAIN

The Tuesday matinee at the Arcadia Theater will be on Saturday this weekend instead of Thursday.

Four plays later he ran around his right end for three years into the end zone.

STEP TAKEN ON SEWAGE

The sheriff said there are currently five openings at the county jail.

Mrs. Downs attended the flower show with her twin daughters, Mary, age 6, and Helen, age 4.

MAN WHOSE HEART STOPPED BEATING TO TAKE IT EASY

Mrs. Nelson was presented with a gift from the chapter in appreciation of work well done by Mrs. Ethel Anderson.

Clark Gable was injured in an automobile accident. The extent of his injuries are not known; however, the area in which Mr. Gable was injured is spectacular and scenic.

ESCAPED LEOPARD BELIEVED SPOTTED

CEMETERY GETS PRAISE FROM FORMER RESIDENT

"The carnage on our highways can be reduced, but only if you give us the fools to perform the job corrects," said Gov. Hatfield.

NIXON GETS STONED ON TRIP

About one third of all passengers flying between London and Paris travel by air.

In Chicago five men were accused on bride-taking.

Mr. and Mrs. Conway have returned from a week's fighting trip to Wisconsin.

In the ensuing struggle, the hijacker's pistol discharged, wounding the stewardess in the tail section.

The new mayor is an insurance agent and broke.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Great Dames for sale.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[animal66]

>>>>>What We've Learnt From Movies


1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.



2. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.


3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

4. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

5. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

6. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

7. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

8. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

9. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

12. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

13. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat them.

14. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

15. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

16. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

17.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

18. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

19. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

21. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

22. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

23. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

24. An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

25. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

26. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

28. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

29. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

30. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

31. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

32. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.

33. Male human beings almost never undress to have sex, or if they finally do it, they are samples of the species with no visible genitals.

34. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

36. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

37. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

38. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

39. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French Bread.

40. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

41. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

42. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

43. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

[animal66]

>>>>>>Technology of Cars and Computers


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with the technology as the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought ?CarNT? but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.



10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off."

[TheSilentChamber]

Holy gay thread batman.

[CivicSpoon]

lol funniest post in the thread right there. Not one of those things was funny in the least.

[dirtydx]

what gender are you?

[Hilikus Funkin]

those arent jokes but heres a good one...

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, theyre both stuck up bitches.

[CivicSpoon]

LOL and Hilikus Funkin saves the thread!
I got one...
What's the difference between a cop car and porcupines?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

[riceriderjade]

Originally Posted by animal66

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

Thats not funny!
I work at a drive thru and at least once a day some idiot askes for his stuff to go. Usually their not being funny or clever, their just idiots

[Hilikus Funkin]

Originally Posted by CivicSpoon

LOL and Hilikus Funkin saves the thread!
I got one...
What's the difference between a cop car and porcupines?

The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.

Thank you, thank you. *takes a bow*
we used to say that joke all the time except we said bmw's instead of cop cars.

[1PhatCX]

whats an 80 year olds crotch smell like??



depends



pastor flapps is walking by a bar and notices one of his female patrons that goes to his service. he walks in the bar and tells her that its against god to drink. shes hammered at this time and she stumbles and pastor flapps ends up on top of her with her skirt upto her chest, the bartender says "hey, i'll have none of that in my bar" to which the priest replies "excuse me, i'm pastor flapps" the bartendor looks at him and says "well.. if ur that far in, then go ahead and finish"

[90civicracer]

You might be a redneck if...

-The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
-You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
-You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
-Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
-You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
-You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
-Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
-Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare
-You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY RACIST JOKES PLEASE DON'T READ ANY FURTHER DOWN (mods, if these aren't "appropriate" feel free to delete them, but I figure I may as well try since the thread has a "enter at your own risk" title) I also want to say that I am by no means racist, if you have any white jokes feel free to throw them up. All jokes are welcome...black, white, fat, skinny, whatever.


What happened to the black lady who got an abortion?
Crimestoppers sent her a check for $500

How do you get a black guy out of a tree?
Cut the rope

Why do black people stink?
So blind people can hate them too

What do you get when you cross a black guy and a mexican?
Someone too lazy to steal

What do black kids get for christmas?
You're stolen bike

Why do jewish people have big noses?
Because air is free

What is long, black, and smells like shit?
The welfare line

What do you call 50 black people at the bottom of the ocean?
Good start

Why is interrogating a mexican like a pool ball?
The harder you hit it the more english you get

What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
Fathers day

When does a black man turn into a nigger?
As soon as he leaves the room

What do you call Mike Tyson with no arms?
Nigger, nigger nigger

How do you get 100 cubans in a cigar box?
Tell them its a raft

What can a pizza do that a black man can't?
Feed a family of four

What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without Robin

Why do black people call white people "honkies"?
It's the last sound black people hear before white people run them over

Why do normal white people go to black yard sales?
To get their stuff back

Why did so many black soldiers get killed in Vietnam?
Everytime someone yelled "GET DOWN" the black guys would get up and start dancing

Did you hear about Ku Klux Knieval?
He tried to jump over 50 black people with a steam roller

[animal66]

How do u know its bedtime at micheal jackson's Neverland?
-When the big hand touches the little hand.

Why did Micheal Jackson go to Wal-Mart?
-He heard the lil boyz pants were half off

[TheSilentChamber]

haha I wish I hadnt broken my scanner, there was a cartoon of Michael Jackson in Penthouse like last year. It has im standing there with a baby bottle sticking out of his pants zipper. It was great.