Need some advice. . .

[-Jayson-]

Ok heres the question, how do you accept a GAY brother? How do you deal with your family not fully accepting him? Ok so my younger brother is 18 years old, and hes gay. Normally he really isnt open about it, keeps his boyfriends away from the family and such. I personally dont really have a problem with it. I dont really like him all that much, but i dont hold his sexual preference against him. Anways im not to sure how my parents accept him and tonight i found out. My parents own a restuarant and do alot of charity work for our local fire fighters. Tonight was a big ball/raffle where they supply all the food and all the money made goes to a local childrens burn unit. Well tonight my brother decided to show up with a guy friend. This kinda upset my mother, well it really upset her. Combine this with alcohol and well a bomb exploded. I dont know anyone who is gay, i dont have really any experience with a family accepting a gay relative. My family is 3 brothers, my father and mother. So its kinda the guys house type deal. Im just curious do any of you have gay friends or relatives and how do you accept them, how does your/their family accept them? Im kinda lost here, i dont know what to expect in the future. Im also kinda still lost on how i should feel towards him. I mean hes my brother so their will always be that brother bond, but at the same time i do feel kinda ashamed and sickened by it. Is that okay? I mean i dont care about other people being gay, but its different when its your brother.
Also he really is a spoiled brat, and gets on my nerves sometimes and says things he really shouldnt say to me and i just want to call him a faggot or say something harsh about homosexuality, is that really wrong? Ive only said something once like that.

Please i dont want to hear any flamming or gay bashing crap, i just really need some advice cause i dont know how i should act. . .

[twospirits]

Originally Posted by -Jayson-

Ok heres the question, how do you accept a GAY brother?

You just do.


First things first,

If you love your brother, then go to him and put your arm around him and say to him I love you. After what happened at the restuarant between him and your mother probably has him feeling sad, rejected, hurt among other things. Young men and woman from the ages of 10 through 20 who are homosexual have a hard time dealing with the types of issues that are affecting them when it comes to their sexuality and coming to terms with it. Their own acceptance, the acceptance of friends, and family. Plus with the ongoing stereotyping and at times harassement they face each and every day its no wonder that alot of gay youngsters commit suicide. At this stage, he needs someone close to him, like you (his brother) to assure him that even though you may not accept his lifestyle (now or ever), that at least you are there to comfort him in his pain of others not accepting him, especially family members. He will understand that you care more and understand whats he is going through than to reject him and possibly cause other problems down the line.

I am surprised that the mother is acting like this cause usually its the father and the mother is the more understanding of the two. Regardless, I've seen too many youths having similar problems and alot run away, never speak with their family members, and worst some commit suicide. Its bad enough that we live in a society that puts labels on one another for whatever reason and at times those labels do hurt. but its more painful when it comes from family members and close knit friends.

I have a brother whos gay, as well as a cousin. I too have seen them hurt and harassed, and I too have seen them in the hospital after a beating. So I've seen the bad part of having a family member who is gay. So I know first hand that gay is not like the word itself in the true sense of the word, but rather hard. And with such hardness in life, any circumstance such as the one at the restaurant makes it worst.

At first its natural to feel weird knowing a family member is gay, its not easy, but if your love is just that, love, then no matter what, I can guarantee you that in time you will not care if he is or not. feeling ashamed is part of the process of acceptance. It could be that you are ashamed of what friends would say, so what. We all have closets in one form or another and I'll bet your friends have a least one person in family history thats gay. Shoot if I think hard enough, I could probably come up with over 10 members of my own family that seemed gay. Of course it was never discussed until my brother and cousin mentioned it.

As for calling each other names, such as fag, homo etc. That will continue, you can't stop it nor control anyone from doing so. But just make sure its not in the hurtful way when you direct it towards him. I joke with my brother and we call each other names, but we both know that its not directed in a hateful or hurtful manner.

As to what to expect, trust me, its a whole new world.

I wish you well on coming to terms with your brother, and I hope that your parents do as well.

TS out

[Toksin]

He's your brother. What does it matter what his preference is? It's no different from him liking blondes if you like brunettes.

[pickle]

I'm with what they said. I think gay people are the coolest most nicest people ever and usually have great style (hello queer eye). You can use it to your advantage. Hot girls usually hang out at gay bars so they don't get hit on ;]

Just treat him the same way you did before you knew he was gay. He's still the same person no matter what his sexual preference is.

[Ricochet]

Gay dudes are pretty cool sometimes.. and he's your damn brother, dick.

[Andydg]

I have a friend that is gay and I've known him since I was like 4. He came out in June right after high school and for a while my friends and I were a little distant with him and didn't know what to do and then a few of us were talking and we're like he's still the same person we've known for over 10 years...Now all of us are ok with him being gay as long as he doesn't hit on us or anything which he does do sometimes and he recieves a jokingly swift kick to the groin region.

What you need to do is be there for your brother, what does it matter that he prefers guys to women...he's still your brother.

[Oz]

One word for you - acceptance. He is still the exact same person you knew before he told you about his sexual preference. I have homosexual family members, and once the family gets over the 'shock' and 'embarressment' (BULLSHIT!) things work quite well.

Let him know that he is still your brother who you care about, because in the overall scheme of things your sexual preference has a small amount to do with who you are as a person.

As for him 'sickening' you, does it sicken you as much as the thought of your parents having steamy jungle sex to conceive all three of you? Or your other brother banging his girlfriend in the room next door at a hotel when you're away on holidays? GOOD! I don't know - and don't want to know about any of my familys sex lives. That is a fairly logical, normal progression.

[-Jayson-]

its not that i think any less of him, he can do what he wants and if thats what he wants to do then fine. But i dont know how i will react if i see him kissing another guy or something. I can accept the fact that he is gay, idk its hard to explain. . .

[Oz]

Sure - you don't want the mechanics of it in your face. Again, completely understandable. Just make sure those sort of ground rules are understood and I don't think it will be an issue. He just wants to be treated as an equal. Not too much to ask.

[KustmAce]

One of my good friends is gay. I didnt know it when I met him, but nothing changed once I figured it out. Actually, hes getting married soon, and Im going to the wedding. Hes a really nice guy. And hes not even my brother.

What does the sexual perference have to do with ANYTHING at all?? I mean, I dont get how people can judge other people only because of whether they like guys or girls. Who gives a shit. Not only is it none of your business whatsoever, it shouldnt affect brotherly love in the slightest. Thats like being disgusted at there choice of food, or more appropriately, choice of car.

Grow up.

[-Jayson-]

asshole read what im writing, I ACCEPT HIM! IM NOT JUDGING HIM! Fucking learn to read. I never said i dont love him or think less of him now. Im just saying im having a hard time understanding it and accepting it for MYSELF. Jesus fucking christ, do you really think i would pass judgement on my brother for his sexual perference. Man this was the wrong place to come to for advice, to many idiots. Its totally different when its your brother whos gay, not a friend.

As for the Oz and two spirits, thanks for your help and to the other people who have helped. All im asking help in accepting this for myself, i accept him no matter what, i just need helpa accepting this for myself. If your not helping me, then stfu and dont respond cause you have no fucking clue what this is like.

As for the night that this really went the way it is now, i know a little more now than i did before. Apparently it wasnt just that he came with a guy friend, he came with a guy friend who was dressed like a girl. More so like he was just flauting it in front of my family and friends. Just wasnt the place to do something like that.

[Oz]

Jayson - his actions would suggest he is trying to tell your family something loudly and clearly. And now, I think he is waiting for your response. Shock tactics. Again, lay down some easy ground rules and treat him with equality and things should work out fine. He will probably to continue to push boundaries until he knows where the limits of acceptable behaviour are, so get them established now.

[-Davo]

Love is love, that's the way I see it. Hold on to it if you got it

[twospirits]

Okay -Jayson-, take a chill. First of all, there is no need to overstep the bounds of respect toward another member, especially a moderator. All he/we are doing is offering our own experiences on the subject.

As for the continuation of this topic, specifically the kissing part, I will add one thing. Its funny how, most guys will accept two female kissing and making out, regardless if they are lesbian or not, but show two guys klissing and most guys feel insecure and threatened. Trust me when I say this, you will see your brother kissing his lover/domestic partner/lifelong companion eventually. And its just that, a kiss. A show of affection for another human being that he wants to express, only difference is that its another guy. Just wait for next Thanksgiving/Christmas etc when the lover is sitting at the table with the rest of the family. its a weird sight at first, but one gets used to it.

As for the lover/boyfriend coming dressed as a girl/women, thats just a classic case of acting out his non-acceptance to the real world. Its a bit over the top in my opinion, but the end result is the same. It causes discussion among those he wants to tell/show about his homosexuality. Unfortutently at times, it might make matters worse between the parties involved if they do not know the reason why he is doing it. not only do you have to sit with him and ask why his friend came dressed as a women but your mother should be there as well. The best thing is communication and you all have to express your feelings to each other of the incident. He has to understand that was not the right thing or time to do such a thing. (Something tells me that your mom was only upset at the other guy and not your brother for being gay.)

Now, I totally agree with what Oz said. You really have to lay down the ground rules soon, or the shock tactics will continue and he will not know when he is crossing the line (of doing more damage than good).

TS out

[KustmAce]

Originally Posted by -Jayson-

All im asking help in accepting this for myself, i accept him no matter what, i just need helpa accepting this for myself.

Like I said before, grow up. Its not like he's a different person now. Hes still the same guy you grew up with.

I can understand the shock that comes with it, I mean, you knew him for a long time, and he drops this bomb. But seriously think about it, what has changed?