Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do, and other propaganda disseminated by misgu

[leadfootGTP]

from Maddox, im sure plenty of you have been there, but i searched and couldnt find this particular article in this forum, so i figure its worth posting for you guys

Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.

( from http://maddox.xmission.com )


Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.

6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."

I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.



People have sent me chain mail and have subsequently received beatings.

[Dustin_S]

Maddux is either a comical genius or if he's absolutely serious (and not exaggerating) an absolute and complete waste of 20 pounds of chemicals.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say comical genius.

[MagicRat]

Hoo boy thats funny.

But did anyone notice that if you actually DID many of these things to a normal girl they would get freaked out, accuse you of being a psycho stalker and dump your ass (before calling the cops)

[Zaphod Beeblebrox]

Maddox for president!

You should have posted the Children's Drawings.

[Zaphod Beeblebrox]

Originally Posted by Dustin_S

Maddux is either a comical genius or if he's absolutely serious (and not exaggerating) an absolute and complete waste of 20 pounds of chemicals.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say comical genius.

He is serious and comedic all at the same time. Don't take him too seriously or too lightly.

[Heep]

Originally Posted by leadfootGTP

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game,"

I hate sports. And I hate people that say I shouldn't hate sports. Sports are for people who can't figure out anything more productive to do.

Funnily enough, the best women desire none or very very few of these things, and yet are still 100% beautiful, loving, caring, thinking women. That list is "Twenty-six things an overweight, depressed bitch with a water bottle super glued to her hand to keep her 92 IQ brain alive would want a guy to do."

[KustmAce]

Maddox is my hero

[publicenemy137]

his new stuff isn't that funny though. his older stuff was way better

[Dustin_S]

I absolutley love reading his hate mail.

[imtheoneandonlyD]

Originally Posted by Heep

I hate sports. And I hate people that say I shouldn't hate sports. Sports are for people who can't figure out anything more productive to do.

i think sports are for people who can get off the couch for more than a bathroom brake once every 3 hours.

[-Davo]

Originally Posted by Dustin_S

Maddux is either a comical genius or if he's absolutely serious (and not exaggerating) an absolute and complete waste of 20 pounds of chemicals.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say comical genius.

I discovered Maddox's site about 3 years ago, and I would shit my self laughing at his pages, the funnyest one that I literally fell on the floor gasping for air, badly, whilst on the phone to my mate who I just sent the page to, was his "internet abreviations" page, in 98, 99, or 00's pages, one of them, not sure

He started to suck from mid last year, he has updated once ever 1 month, and it's just trying to dig up the "asshole" that he trys to be, and portay him self as.

But this article posted at the begining of the thread is halarious!
And his "how to be 100% lazy" made a good email too.

[SeXy_AnGeL]

Whats wrong if girls like some of that stuff occasionally? Personally, I don't agree with all of it but like the holding hands thing...girls like to feel special sometimes. and stare at you. Like if your in a public place and you are off talking to someone and you look over to where he's standing and he's staring at you...in a sweet kinda way...Not in a way like "get me the fuck out of here. i can't believe you're making me do this shit." I know you guys don't like it but, i mean come on, if you loved your woman, you'd want to make her happy...right???

[Chavez408]

Originally Posted by SeXy_AnGeL

i mean come on, if you loved your woman, you'd want to make her happy...no?

yees!

[clawhammer]

I'd like to see the rest of the list along with his comments. It's funny

[leadfootGTP]

he didnt write any more...at least i dont think he did.