Tool Definitions

[dre]

Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing
convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes
in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the
rear axle.

Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you
keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would
think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter
fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Zippo Lighter:
See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who
would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over
the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel:
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django
Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack:
Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a
set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle
firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:
Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers:
A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone:
Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.

Timing Light:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft
pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester:
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips:
See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light:
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is
a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round
off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last
tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them
off.

[i_rebel]

That's good . . . so true some times . . .

[matt]

lol, good stuff. so true. so true.

[verboom]

Yeah, it was my good laugh for the evening. Thanks.

[primera man]

Thats a good laugh.

I think we have all done those things at least once...

[Porsche]

I like the Air compressor one and the whole "Hydraulic Jack Experience"

[YogsVR4]

So many tools - so little time.

[Jay!]

Very true about the knife... sometimes advantageous....:flash:

[swedish]

the e-z out one is not a joke (three of those bastards in one manifold), and you forgot the all useful general flat head screwdriver: perfect for puncturing various materials (leather on the $800 passenger seat that you will never sit in, the brand new dash that took you 7 months and a mob connection to find, the most nerve ending and blood vessel packed part of your hand...), and also very good at breaking the laws of physics that would make it seem that work put in would = something turning.

[pod]

missed one
ratchet, see vice grips,and hammer

grinder, machene that takes red paint off fender that took 8 months to get. see also wire wheel

and one last thing regarding the mechanics knife

mechanics knife, tool for poping tires

[SabreKhan]

I see I'm not the only one who's rounded off a few *%@# bolts in my time...

[ghostguy6]

I see I'm not the only one who's rounded off a few *%@# bolts in my time...

LOL your not a real car guy until you round of at least fifty god damn cheepass bolts!

[MagicRat]

Peter Egan from Road and Track magazine wrote these in a column back in the late 1980's. Word for word.

[lxndr]

I thought a ratchet was used to take the skin off my knuckles. At least that's how it seems when that pesky last bolt finally snaps free, sending my hand into the nearest protruding bolt or cotter pin!

[Oldengineer]

You forgot to include the "Plumber's Helper". Once the handy little tool to unstop the "John", now used to remove the dents from the doors of your car. A handy device to have if you subject your car to Walmart parking lots.

Regards:
Oldengineer