A few jokes

[clawhammer]

Things you never want to hear from tech support

* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

* "So -- what are you wearing?"

* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."






The Fence

It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.

"Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."

"I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."

"You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."

"You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."

"If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."

"Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"
(didn't mean to affend any lawyers here)










Bill Gates died in a car accident.

He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God .
. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After
all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in the world and yet you
created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before.
In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you
want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the
difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine,
but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to
leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill
went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach
with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful
women running around, playing in the water, laughing,
and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God,
"If this is
Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" “Fine," said God
and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the
clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and
singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill
thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine,"
retorted God, "as
you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell .
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When God looked down
into Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.Bill
responded-his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I
expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened
to that other place with the beaches and the
beautiful women playing in the water?"God said, "That
was the screen saver."

[Partizan]

I only liked the fence one, that one was good for a chuckle.