another attempt at song-writing... critiques please?

[ec437]

And everywhere that I look I feel you there with me
haunting me stalking me preying so mightily
everytime does keep your presence still lingering
real in my mind though my soul keeps deceiving me

oh, how I wish for tomorrow
tomorrow is another day
how I wish the past behind us
would forever go away
how I wish for tomorrow
tomorrow is another day
and I wish the past behind us
the past is forever gone

not completely finished... better than my last crappy song, as this one actually has an instrument part to it already! Don't know what I'm talking about in the lyrics, (no really, I have no idea... must be some sort of subconcious thing) I just started typing and thinking of rhymes and there you have it.

PS, the song comes across as metallica-ish to me. just so you know kind of what it sounds like.

[-Davo]

Originally Posted by ec437

And everywhere that I look I feel you there with me
haunting me stalking me preying so mightily
everytime does keep your presence still lingering
real in my mind though my soul keeps deceiving me

oh, how I wish for tomorrow
tomorrow is another day
how I wish the past behind us
would forever go away
how I wish for tomorrow
tomorrow is another day
and I wish the past behind us
the past is forever gone

Holy shit that first verse kicked major metal ass. I like it a lot! But that 2nd one was out of context, and too cliche.
But that first one, yeah, I love it!

I wouldn't call it "song writing" as that implies actual music as well, this is more...poetry at the moment...

Song writing is my specialty

[ec437]

2nd verse:

Never could tell what you wanted with my abide
The world seems so dark when you see it through my blind eyes
I wished and I wanted I always believed in you
It was foolish of me to place all of my trust in you

first part of revised chorus... still working on it:

Oh, I wish that tomorrow would come
and take all of our fears away

[91300zxtt]

i dont really see it as metallica, more hardcore-ish in my eyes.

[ec437]

no, with the guitar part it sounds like some of metallica's stuff

[91300zxtt]

Originally Posted by ec437

no, with the guitar part it sounds like some of metallica's stuff

ah ok, well record it and post it up on here

[ec437]

i'll try to do that later. I'll post some of my other stuff too.

PS I play bass guitar... kind of an unusual instrument to start with when you're writing a song. Therefore most of my basslines are insanely all over the place

[kittedb18bt]

i like the progress and thanks for sharing.

[eversio11]

stop posting these and answer my goddamned question over in the photography forum

[ec437]

hey! you know I'm a rockstar

sorry, I though I posted the answer last night. guess it didn't take.

[grimmy]

not bad, but every time i read it and try to put music to it, it always comes out sounding country.
btw this probably belongs in the "poetry or writing" sticky in philosophising. if you havent already, you should check it out.

[-Davo]

Originally Posted by ec437

2nd verse:

Never could tell what you wanted with my abide
The world seems so dark when you see it through my blind eyes
I wished and I wanted I always believed in you
It was foolish of me to place all of my trust in you

first part of revised chorus... still working on it:

Oh, I wish that tomorrow would come
and take all of our fears away

Wow, that 2nd verse is just as good as the 1st!!

Nice job bro, I love it!

I play guitar

I'm not tops on lyrics, but I can post some of my own set (has music) if you want!