J0kes

[Oz]

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

---

Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria".
The copper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean-- and gives the guy his license back. The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the copper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that fuckwit would've tried that shit with me!"

---

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first two ladies, in shock, instantly had a stroke.

The third lady was just out of reach....

---

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''

---

GREAT BUMPER STICKERS


So many stupid people... so few comets.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Keep honking...I'm reloading....

---

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperm cells."

---

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, I'll tell you what it tells me... you farken idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

---

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Westinghouse."

---

Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door."

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."

The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"

The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little eskimo, "I told you you screwed a penguin

---

That should keep you all amused for a while!

[xyfalconsrock]

nice,
bit of truth about the QLD police.in real life they'd check ya engine to see if u were too powerful.Fucking tightarses.

[Jimster]

The Westinghouse one takes me back to highschool! I used to love that joke

[CaTasHtRoPhE 67]

i think im to young to get some of it or maybe im tired who noes

[Sean]

Where/what is Westinghouse?

[Oz]

Whitegoods manufacturer, specialising in fridge/freezers.

[Sean]

I get it now.

[kittedb18bt]

i didnt get the westinghouse one either. all of them were good.

maybe i need to wait behind a bush and jump out naked?

[FireBball972]

those were pretty good. although i have to admit i've heard a few of em before

[stisnan]

The old ladies in the park joke is pretty funny.

[Damien]

Some were classics of AF but Oz still puts out....




















...some good new ones!!!

[2Slow4U_Noob]

hahah those were great..i loved all of them..that first golf joke reminds me of what a commentor said recently...tiger woods just hit a shot and it sliced way off to the right almost into the next fairway and the commentator said "that shot is so far right michael moore is going to make a movie about it!" haha. oh i just got this in an email

"A Farmer

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”
Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”
So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”
The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”
“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”