The real Aliens VS Predator

[Ricochet]

Read only if you've seen the movie.

Alien vs. Predator:

Annette Protagonist: Man, I sure like climbing ice. Nothing better than scaling a perfectly smooth surface with no harness. Oh, now what?

Johnny Awesome: Hello. My employer needs your help. Climb aboard my flying machine and I will whisk you away to sunny Antarctica.

Protagonist: Well here we are in Antarctica. I suppose I'm here to guide people into an ice cave which I refuse to do but will do it anyway.

Archie Archeologist: And I'm probably here to translate something and make up Sh!T about an extinct culture like I always do at work.

Dickface: And I'm not even given a reason for being here. I'll probably just wind up dead to evoke pity from the audience.

Bishop: Greetings all. You work for The Company now. Our satellite found some weird heat thing under the ice here, and being the leading Artificial Intelligence and Robotics developer in the world, naturally we thought we could benefit from something deep below the Antarctic. Johnny?

Johnny: I trust you three have met each other. Here are the other ten members of our crew who'll die in the next fifteen minutes.
Bishop: I too am dying, but fortunately my legacy will live on in hideous androids.

Protagonist: My objection to this whole ordeal is made no less severe by your condition and the presence of this huge perfectly round tunnel going at a straight 30-degree angle to the earth's surface that appeared this morning, but let's go. Hey, a pyramid!

Archie: Hmm, judging from the strange symbols on the walls of the interior of this place that seem to be a perfect merging of the three totally diverse dead languages that I happen to be fluent in, and the position of these bodies, this was the sacrificial chamber, it was an honor to be sacrificed, 32% of the population thought the sacrifices were superfluous, red was the color the season this was built, and the carpenter had sideburns but no beard and nine toes altogether. There's no other explanation.

Johnny: Huh. I thought I saw something downstairs. Why don't you three and Bishop come with me to check it out, and the rest of you stay here in the sacrificial chamber.

Nerd guy: Sounds great.

Archie: Hmm, they look like some sort of artifacts. Whatever you do, don't remove them.

Johnny: I'm totally removing them.

Nerd guy: Hey, why are the doors closing around the sacrificial chamber? Hey look, eggs! Let's make omlettes.

Johnny: Oh man, why is everybody screaming upstairs? And who are these transparent guys with the Wolverine thing going on? O what has my hubris wrought upon us? My shit is now fucked..

Protagonist: Quick! Let's jump through these perpetually moving half-ton stone walls to get away from these big guys and possibly into further danger!

Predator 1: You'll never make it. I am the ultimate hunt-GLKTH!

Predator 2: To expand on my late comrade's sentiment, our training is too finely-HURRK!

Punk Alien: Ha ha! Yo, fucktwat! I just offed not one but both of your shitsmoking boyfriends, and now I'm going to do you too because I am invinci-BLrk!

Predator Yojimbo: Oops. Dropped your face there.

Bishop: You guys go ahead. I'm going to stay here and see if setting this guy on fire works. Oh, guess not.

Archie: Hurry up! Bishop might be dead, but we can still make it out of here ali- oh penis, I've been kidnapped by the beetle-guys. I hope they just want to ask me some questions.

Protagonist: I'm the only one left alive! Who could have expected that in an Alien or Predator movie? Oh crap basket, it's that big dude!

Yojimbo: Gimme my cannon.

Protagonist: Totally, here. You're not going to kill me? Of course, I understand the hunt now! We don't have to run, we can stay and fight together! With your strength, ingenuity, and technology coupled with my...um...indomitable spirit, nothing can stop us! We're whalers on the moon, we carry a harpoon! How should we take them?

Yojimbo: I'm totally blowing this place up.

Protagonist: Okay, fair enough.

Yojimbo: 49 seconds should be more than enough time to clear 3 miles, right?

Protagonist: We should take my rocket sled.

Alien: No way. You tool, is that a bom-
BOOM

Protagonist: What a waste. I'm sure this crater will serve as a reminder to the Company to not fuck around anymore.

Unfrozen Tortured Alien Queen: BOOYAH, BITCHES! YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!

Yojimbo: Oh. Snap.

Queen: Suck my middle finger, cuntrags! This tail is totally going through your torso!

Yojimbo: Uh...OH! Aaagh, yeah...that's what it did, alright.

Protagonist: Don't worry, I chained her to this falling water tank!

Queen: What the piss are you-SHIET! I'm going down into freezing water! My one weakness! That and fire, bullets, and the vacuum of space, but really, who'da thunk?

Mayor McPredator: We've come to retrieve our corpse. We saw you killed a queen. Congratulations, you've earned your six-foot golden wang. Wear it on the outside so assholes know who not to fuck with.

Protagonist: Not a problem. We should do this more often.

Worker Predator: Well here we are heading back to whatever the hell planet we come from. Too bad about Jeff, he was an awesome DJ. Well let's leave his corpse to rot.

Predator/Alien bursting out of Yojimbo's chest: Look at me! I'm an alien but I've got little Predator mandibles! What a twist, it's a The End Or Is It ending, LOL!

[Moppie]

LOL!!!!


Well, I guess I dont need to waste my time watching the movie now.

[Hyatus]

Mayor McPredator lol. wait till scary movie 4 gets ahold of this movie.

[eversio11]

Originally Posted by Ricochet

Predator/Alien bursting out of Yojimbo's chest: Look at me! I'm an alien but I've got little Predator mandibles! What a twist, it's a The End Or Is It ending, LOL!

I haven't seen the movie, is that seriously the ending? Ugh.

[Ace$nyper]

i wish the movie was that good

[Damien]

That was too good man! I loved it! Perfect sum up...

[psychobadboy]

If I had read this before, I wouldn't have wasted money to see the movie.

Actually, it's better than the movie!

[Toksin]

We're whalers on the moon, we carry a harpoon!

LOL!!!!

[Sean]

Imagine that to the tune of 'Riders on the storm'.

[EighteenVisions]

Funny. As. Hell.

[Ricochet]

Thanks for quoting the entire thing..

[knorwj]

Originally Posted by EighteenVisions

Funny. As. Hell.

Why would you quote that whole thing? we already know what you are refering to as "funny as hell"





PS: good one ricochet

[EighteenVisions]

And your post, bitching about how I quoted the entire thing isn't anymore worthless? Think about it.

I'll tell you what, I'll edit it for you so that you can sleep tonight.

[CaTasHtRoPhE 67]

wow i could have saved 10 bucks and read this