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[Revhard]

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip
he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding
a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster. "Father, that is the biggest
Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a
Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and
his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a
Son of a Bitch."

The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few
days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing
Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really."

"Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that Son of a Bitch can
be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a
Bitch."

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had
prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the fish was excellent.

The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.

The Pope sat silent in disbelief.

And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!"

The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile creeped across his face.

"You fuckers are all right!!"

[kris]

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

[Towlie]

A teenage boy and his girlfriend were making out
in his car. He says, "Please darling, I can't
take it anymore without some relief."

She replies, "You know I am saving myself until
we are married!"

He begs her, "How about I just put the head in
for a while, just let me marinate the head a
little?"

She reluctantly agrees if it's only the head.
So he proceeds to put the head in and that’s
all he does, for about 30 seconds, but he gets
carried away and before you know it he’s put it
in entirely and is pumping with deep thrusts with
all he's got.

After a few minutes she moans and says, "I know
we have this deal that you are only putting the
head in, but... this feels really good, so go
ahead and give it all to me!"

Thinking quickly he responds, "No, a deals a
deal."

[Revhard]

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. This particular call happened to be from AT&T and it went something like this:

Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Alvarez please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Alvarez?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Alvarez. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, Sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay US 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of
subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, Sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Alvarez. Please hold.
At this point I begin trying to finish my dinner.
Supervisor: Mr. Alvarez?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Is thist a Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes, Sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello Mr. Alvarez, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: No, but I was wondering -- do you have that "friends and family" thing? Because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: Click

[kris]

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

[tazdev]

A mother and son were walking through the cemetry, and passed by a headstone inscribed, 'Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up to his gradmother and asked, "Mummy, why did they bury two men in one grave?"

[RevHappy Cowboy®]

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" his brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

[vtecluvr]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten."

[Towlie]

There was a businessman who was going on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious
sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something
to keep her occupied while he was gone, because
he didn't much like the idea of her screwing
someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex
toys and started looking around. He thought about
a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for
something special to please his wife, and started
talking to the old man behind the counter. He
explained his situation. The old man said, 'Well,
I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special
attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except -- ' and he stopped.

'Except what?' the man asked.

'Nothing, nothing.'

'C'mon, tell me! I need something!'

'Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but
there is the 'voodoo dick.''

'So what's this voodoo dick?' he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled
out an old wooden box, carved with strange
symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said, 'Big fucking
deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!'

The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what
it'll do yet.' He pointed to a door and said,
'Voodoo dick, the door.'

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over
to the door, and started screwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a
crack developed down the middle. Before the door
could split, the old man said, 'Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!'

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box
and lay there, quiescent once more.

'I'll take it!' said the businessman. The old man
resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he
finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took
it home to his wife, told her it was a special
dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was
say 'Voodoo dick, my pussy.'

He left for his trip satisfied that things would
be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a
few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She
thought of several people who would willingly
satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo
dick. She got it out, and said, 'Voodoo dick, my
pussy!'

The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she
decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it
out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.

She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how
to shut it off. So she decided to go to the
hospital to see if they could help. She put her
clothes on, got in the car and started to drive
to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of
the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a
policeman. He asked for her license, and then
asked how much she had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was
stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then
said:

'Yeah, right......... Voodoo dick, my ass!'

[Jay!]

Supposed to be a true story, but close enough to a joke:

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned PRIVATE PARTS into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she, as a dutifully wife should do, stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.