Pilot conversations

RSX-S777 · #1 06-06-2004, 07:29 PM

Airline Pilot Conversations
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never
hear.
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and control towers from around the world.

1. While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get
it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay
right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive
taxi instructions
in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you!

You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high. Just
then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

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2. A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not
able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights
and
return to the airport."

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3. >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
fucking bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

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4. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

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5. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with
some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
"Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
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6. O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

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7. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany.
Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."